Exploring Excuses For All Occasions

"The dog ate my homework."

Is without question, the most-used, familiar excuse in the world.

"I would have finished that assignment, boss, but I had to take my horse to the vet for his shots."

Simple Definition of excuse:
to forgive someone for making a mistake, doing something wrong, etc.,
to say that (someone) is not required to do something.
to allow (someone, such as a child) to leave.

Excuses began in the Book of Genesis with that famous exchange between God, Adam, and Eve immediately after Adam and Eve partook of the "forbidden fruit" explained to them by God, their creator.

"Adam, who told you that you were naked?" God asked.
"Well, it was the woman you gave me, Lord," Adam replied executing the world's first excuse.
"Eve, why did you partake of the forbidden fruit?" God asked.
"It was the serpent who beguiled me," Eve replied.

And there it was. The first "passing of the buck," which did not work to the pleasure of Adam and Eve for God drove them out of The Garden of Even and He placed a flaming sword at each entrance to secure that the two could not re-enter later. God also placed Cherubim as guards to the entrances to the garden as well.

Speaking bluntly, if I had been Adam or Eve, the flaming sword would have been warning a-plenty. Cherubim are described in other versions of The Scrolls and Hebrew Manuscripts as tall, fearsome, and fearless beings or commonly known as "warrior angels," and not to be messed with.

When NBA super-star, Michael Jordan was having an off night, and he had a few . . .

do you think that then-head coach, Phil Jackson, when meeting the press would easily give believable excuses for Jordan's dismal performance?

"I would be glad to answer you, Kenneth, but I did not follow Jordan's career."

(folks, this is a bona fide excuse).

Facing facts, there are truthful excuses as well as excuses that are complete lies. It's all in how the excuse is presented and the character of the person presenting it. Then there is another amazing excuse or excuses that can be said with such lilt that no one dare question the validity of it.

"Bob, can you work over tonight?"

"Sorry, boss. My uncle's in the Intensive Care Unit and I gotta be there." Bob replies as he is working on his computer and not making eye contact with the boss.

Until now, the boss has never had a reason to doubt anything "Bob" has told him. But now, that trust is being tested. "Bob" doesn't know it, but the old adage, "Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive," will soon come into play.

Later that same night "Bob's" boss has stopped off at the liquor store to get a six-pack to drink during the football game on television and who does he see shopping in the aisle where all of the imported wine is stocked but "Bob," himself--looking smug, secure and almost giggling at the fact that he has "pulled the wool" over his boss' eyes.

The consequences are rough

"Bob's" boss is not usually a suspicious soul, but he thinks that being suspicious this one time will act to serve him and not hurt him. He follows "Bob" back to where "Bob" lives with "Jill," his gorgeous wife of 12 years in a palatial two-story brick home with adobe-style shingles and a pure Brazilian stone driveway.

"Bob's" boss parks in the darkness of a clump of shade trees across from "Bob's" house so he can see what the usually-trustworthy "Bob" is up to.

If the old saying, "curiosity killed the cat," is true, then "Bob's" boss is living on borrowed time for he cannot stand the suspense anymore and silently sneaks between the darkness and light from the streetlights and lurks outside of "Bob's" living room window.

And to his surprise, "Bob" and "Jill," along with at least six other couples are dancing like crazed natives of the Amazon and drinking the imported wine that "Bob" has just bought. The only one missing is the poor uncle who "Bob" said was in the Intensive Care Unit.

In conclusion
The next day, "Bob," shows up for work as usual, but his boss is waiting on him in his office and tells his personal secretary, "Anne," to make the announcement via office intercom that "Bob" is needed at once in the boss' office.

What happens next is not only brutal, but merciless and without an ounce of pity. "Bob" is questioned by the boss and "Danny," the Human Resources manager to the extent that "Bob" comes to tears, but sees that he has been found out and admits that there was no uncle and no Intensive Care Unit. All was a lie told by a once-trusty employee who will now be terminated for breaking the moral clause in his work contract.

Excuses are dangerous is all I can make of this saga.

Question: when Disney's Pinocchio told fibs, was he considered a liar or a brilliant excuse maker?

Think it over. You can be honest. We are all friends and no one will judge you.

"I offer all of my valued followers my Sincere Thanks not just for following my "adventures," but for taking the time to read these pieces."

Sincerely, Kenneth

I produced the aforementioned adventure to introduce my headline . . .

Exploring Excuses For All Occasions

Excuses For Not Showing Up For Work

• "Uh, I am scheduled to see a podiatrist about this irritable right toe."
• "I ate some bad sushi last night and went down with a terrible case of food poisoning."
• "I just got a call from my "Aunt Lila," a widow, who needs me to fly to Las Vegas to help with her husband's funeral arrangements. I should be back in three days."
• "My brother who left home at fifteen just showed up on my front step and well, I need to talk to him a long time."
• "My neighbor's dog, a Doberman, bit me last night as my wife and I were walking to the house from our nightly six-mile walk and I have to see my doctor for tetanus shots."

Excuses For Not Wanting To Go With Your Wife To The New Mall

• "Shorty" needs my help in putting in a new pool table."
• "Slim" needs me to help him install a new satellite system."
• "Billy" needs my help to install a new pool for him and the wife."
• "I am allergic to the air in those malls."
• "Sorry, hun-ee, I sprained my ankle last night carrying trash from the garage to the trash can."

Excuses For Not Remembering Her Birthday/Anniversary

• "Was your birthday on the 12th? I thought it was the 10th."
• "I had a run-in with the boss and my mind was on the awful name he called me and I completely forgot."
• "Did I not give you a gift last week?"
• "I intended to tell you, but forgot. My mom asked me to come to her house in Gary, Indiana and clean out her furnace. With my dad now deceased, it's tough on her. You understand? Right, hun-ee?"
• "I ran short of cash to get you a gift for giving my last fiver to a homeless man in front of my office."

Excuses For Not Going on a Blind Date

• "Man, I would go, but my Vietnamese English class is tonight."
• "That sounds nice, but my best suit is in the cleaners."
• "Hey, that Jerry over there is the guy for your girlfriend's lonely girlfriend. I hear that his family is loaded."
• "I am coming down with a severe case of sinutitulitus."
• "My religion forbids me from dating women I do not know."

Excuses For Mistakes You Made at Work

• "Sorry, boss. I had to get up from my computer and catch "Jenkins" when he fell from a step ladder."
• "I am sorry, boss. Are you sure that I did that? That doesn't look like my work."
• "Oh, now I know what happened. A mosquito bit my neck and I made that innocent typo."
• "Jenkins," shouted something at me and I had to take time to explain this project to him."
• "Boss, I'm sorry, but with all of the other duties that I have, I just got lost in the details. I am not Superman."

(Now just for you, my Valued Readers)

Excuses For Not Reading This Hub

• "My dog had to have his yearly shots. I will read it later."
• "My neighbor, "Jo," who is going through a divorce, needed to talk, so I had to be with her."
• "All I remember was falling asleep, exhausted from a tough day doing yard work and I just didn't feel up to reading it."
• "My sister in Los Angeles called and wanted to catch up and before I knew it, we had chatted for almost nine hours."
• "My computer froze up."

Did I think of everything?

Good night, Sante Fe, New Mexico.