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Give the TSA Your Belly-button Lint, Not Your Dignity

Updated on December 14, 2010
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I’ve thought a lot about the TSA. I’ve given it my full ADD attention. That means a whole 7 minutes of thought was given to the security measures at our airports. It was, of course, given in stages, as 7 minutes is a really, really long time. If you don’t believe me hold your breath for 7 minutes. I’ll wait.

Uh huh. See. Ok, now that you’re finished poking fun at my lack of attention skills, and you’re blue, we’ll move on.

I’m considering traveling, hence the amount of thought given over to this subject. I want to make sure it’s a pleasant experience for me, I really don’t care if it’s pleasant for anyone else, especially not the creeps at the TSA.

The first part of making sure life is pleasant will be in properly packing my bags. I looked up a list of the allowed and un-allowed items for carry-on and checked baggage.

Apparently it is fine to have a meat cleaver, as long as you check it. I believe I will pack a suitcase filled with nothing but meat cleavers, razor blades, baseball bats, ammunition, axes and hatchets and a few cattle prods.

I can also bring a sword, oddly enough, however, I can’t pack scissors if their blades are over four inches. I guess a sword is not as big a threat as 4 1/2 inch scissor blades. At any rate, that should give the guys at the X-ray machine something to do, and me a good laugh. Again, this is all about me having a pleasant experience, not them.

Next comes the removal of the shoes. No problem, I’ve got a fake fungus that I believe I will swathe all over my feet. Then I’ll beg for a strip search. “I’ve got more fungus where this comes from, why don’t you strip search me, it’ll be fun. It stinks a little, but you get used to it.”

Once they’ve determined they’re going to opt for a body scan instead of a strip search on me, I’ll be ready. There’s a company that sells rubber pads call “flying pasties” http://www.gadling.com/2010/07/21/flyingpasties/ . You can get them customized with sayings. Mine will say, “You Can’t Touch This”. I will then use invisible ink that only shows up on things like x-rays and body scans, to point out areas they are, however, free to touch. An example might be an arrow pointing to my armpit with a word bubble that says, “Things go in and never come back out… you are free to feel around.” Or an arrow pointing to my belly button with a word bubble that says, “free lint, take some”.

At any rate, it should be amusing to me. Again, I really don’t care how the TSA guys and gals feel about it, unless of course they get too greedy with the lint.

Now for those of you who travel often, you won’t get to have nearly as much fun as I will. Apparently there’s now a “Black Diamond Self Select” lane. I think it’s like a self checkout at the grocery store, except, of course, it’s the airport. You take off your shoes and check them for bombs and other plastic devices, then you go through the body scan and run back and make sure you're not carrying any concealed weapons in your nether-regions. If an area looks fuzzy, you strip search yourself and hand over anything you find. You do need to be sure that you can do this quickly and without smiling, or you’ll be regulated to the non-self checkout lane. You will also have to provide your own gloves.

Good luck to all of you who are traveling this holiday season. I’m sure you’ll find your own way of dealing with the TSA. No matter what you decide to do, you should at least pack your belly button full of lint. Really. It’ll be fun.

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    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      8 years ago from Indiana

      Tammy- I would completely flop as a comic... you can't edit yourself in front of people!

      Thanks for stopping by, and for the comment. You just made my day!

    • Tammy L profile image

      Tammy L 

      8 years ago from Jacksonville, Texas

      Sue, are you sure you're not a standup comic because you could make it as one for sure. LMAO @ screwing with the TSA.

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      8 years ago from Indiana

      LOL!! Chris. You really do have too much time on your hands!!! You are Hi-LARIOUS!!!

      Seriously, if you're not already writing for your local paper, you're depriving your community of oh, so much laughter!!!

      I'm just glad you're not depriving all of us!!

      I think Stan may give you a pass. Butt really.... :O)

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 

      8 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      Might be my last hub. Stan's banning me for my alphabetical response to his hub.

      C

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      8 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- LMAO!! You have finally done the impossible. I'm speechless. :)

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 

      8 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      I believe there is, but it involves a great deal of flapping, check out how at www.be like Icarus.com

      I was halfway across the Atlantic when my nose started to itch. Crash landed in Iceland. Nice place, lots of ice, got the boat back, but that's another hub for another day...

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      8 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- Why am I not surprised you're on the no-fly list. LOL!

      I'm glad to see that you understand the difficulty of their jobs. (Thousands Standing Around.... pretty good) I was thinking of them more like "Thousands Seeing Asses". I just can't believe it's come to the point where you have to take a chance of you or your children being molested if you want to fly. There's GOT to be a better way.

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      8 years ago from Indiana

      Pop- I'm thanking God I've always been too afraid to fly. I had considered it, but have stayed away because of fear of what might go on with my kid after they lock me up for assault and battery when they try to take my child in another room by herself!

      Loved your hub this morning, as I do every morning now. You're awesome!

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 

      8 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      I can't read this because I'm on the no-fly list and I checked out years ago. Thousands Standing Around have a tough job, that's why they hire the brightest and the best. Think about it, dedicated, but completely mental terrorist - v- $12 a hour, when's my next break...

      Yeah, we're safe alright...

      C

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 

      8 years ago

      Love the hub. We are on the same wavelength because I wrote about the TSA this morning. Personally, I am not going to fly again until the TSA gets some common sense.

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      8 years ago from Indiana

      drbj- Good point. I meant suitcase, but said bag full of meat cleavers, etc.. I went back and changed it! Thank you so much- I would hate to make the TSA mad!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 

      8 years ago from south Florida

      Fascinating ideas, sueroy. But one piece of advice. If you want to tease the TSA, even though you are really not traveling anywhere, be sure to bring a suitcase. Otherwise they might figure out it's a scam. Maybe!

    • sueroy333 profile imageAUTHOR

      Susan Mills 

      8 years ago from Indiana

      sharon- how did you know?? :)

      Thanks!!!

    • granniesharon profile image

      granniesharon 

      8 years ago

      and you're not really going anywhere but the airport right....just to give em hell. love it.

      good job!

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