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Google Will Parent Your Kids For Free

Updated on October 18, 2009

Ever wished that you could just abdicate all responsibility for your children? Good news everyone! You don't have to worry about watching your kids online anymore, because Google has awesome policies which effectively sanitize large swathes of the Internet, making sure that your kids don't see anything too adult (don't worry, they'll still get to see all that lead filled merchandise made by other children working in sweatshops in China though.)

Ye Gods. I'm so sick of having to sanitize the world for the benefit of children. As I see it, if you're a parent, it is up to you to supervise your children when they are out in the world. Nowadays, 'being out in the world' equates to 'being online.'

A great many sites have 'no adult content' policies, but they're not even talking about real adult content, the kind you wouldn't show your mother, they're just talking about things that aren't, as they put it 'family safe.' Well you know what I say? I say ____ (insert expletive here) being family safe. The Internet and the world are not places where you should let your kids run amok and expect everyone else to parent them by proxy by forcing them to remove anything that you think might damage your darling little spawn's mind.

I don't have a problem with kids, kids are great. Kids are mostly awesome little people who are mostly concerned with pressing issues like who rode up front last time and who has the biggest ice cream. They don't much care what we're doing. It's adults that are the problem, self entitled gits who think that the world should revolve around them and the fact that they managed to breed.

Just last week, a two year old child wandered off from home and drowned in a drain in New Zealand. It was a horrible tragedy. It was also god awful parenting. How do you let your two year old go outside without knowing where they are? How do you let your small child wander off the property like that?

I have a small dog. One of those stupid, small, hyperactive yappy dogs that I love. He has never once gotten out without my knowledge. Why? Because I make sure I know where he is at all times. I quite literally take better care of my dog than these parents took care of their own little child. They now want to sue the council for leaving a drain uncovered. Personally I think they should be charged for criminal negligence but everyone in New Zealand is too busy saying how sad it is and releasing white doves to point the fingers at the only people who were responsible for that child's well being – the parents.

Madeline McCann is another example. A small child left alone in a hotel room snatched away. Another tragedy entirely precipitated by idiot parents who, tired of the burdens of parenthood, thought they could slip out and leave their kids alone for a few hours. You can't. The world is not a creche for your children. Online or off, it's a real place in which most of the active population are adult. It's a real place where people do a lot of things, bad and good and in which adults rule.

I know all sorts of crazy hormones flood the brains of parents and make them believe that the most important thing in the world is to bear children, but I'm afraid to say that breeding is not the biggest favor you can do the world right now. There are too many people. You know that, but you have your precious children anyway because you're inherently selfish, and many of you are so selfish that you'll then demand that all the other adults in the world behave differently because of your children. Our planet is dying because everyone keeps popping out kids and then half of them insist that we turn everyday life into some awful Teletubbies episode.

Of course, you could say that this isn't what is happening. We see more adult content and violence on the TV now than we ever did before. People blame “the media” for exposing children to lewd music videos and violent video games and whatnot, but sorry parents, it isn't the media's job to protect your kids from adult themes. It's yours. So don't sit on the couch with the TV blaring whilst Britney shows everything god gave her and Nicole Scherzinger gyrates to heavy bass and complain that the media is turning your kids into morons who will scream and cry and require a tranquilizer on top of their ADD pills if they can't have the latest knick knack with Miley Cyrus's face on it. That's on you. You get to decide what they watch. The TV isn't wired directly into their brains by the government, its brought into your house by you and left in a publicly accessible high traffic area. Seriously. Growing up my parents didn't have a TV in the house for us kids to watch for years, and guess what? We grew up with some critical thinking skills. (Sometimes highly critical, but you get that.)

I am eagerly awaiting the day (which will probably never come,) where we can drop this 'family friendly' rubbish which forces adults to take adult business behind doors and make parents actually parent whilst the rest of us get on with our lives.


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    • profile image


      9 years ago

      I'm personally wary of ever pointing fingers. I don't know. Perhaps they simply told him he could play outside if he sayed on the block, I don't know. Pointing fingers always results in trouble. Justice is silly, the way we use it.

    • shazwellyn profile image


      9 years ago from Great Britain

      Good hub. I personally blame the parents for everything! lol

    • beth811 profile image


      9 years ago from Pearl of the Orient Seas

      Thanks for sharing.

      Though internet and other media are almost always necessary for the children to explore the world, they, too can be distracting to the young minds especially when there's no discretion from the parents.


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