Help Wanted! US Senate Seeking Full-Time Employee for Odd Jobs and Legislative Work!
by Daniel J. Durand
Position: U.S. Senator
Minimum Age: 30
Length of Employment: 6 years
Must be U.S. citizen for at least nine (9) years prior to applying. Must have ability to kiss babies and be able to stand on one side for extended periods, before standing on other side. Vampirism optional, but recommended. Government benefits package including dental and liposuction.
Job duties include, but are not limited to, underestimating costs of legislation, providing occasional filibusters, and gaining popular support for unnecessary legislation.
Interviews for position will be held on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November, every even-numbered year. Applicants must wear business attire and be able to explain the concept of “Freedom Fries”. Salary is negotiable, but be advised that the majority of wages are earned in tips.