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Helpful Tips For the Army of Celebrities Looking to Join Their Canadian Brethren

Updated on November 14, 2016

To all of the disenfranchised celebrities making their way to a new life in Canada, please remember a few things:

  1. It’s cold up north. Remember the hot air you will add to the Canadian atmosphere may create an environmental crisis unlike any seen since the last ice age.

  2. Canadians are a polite and fun group of people, beloved by those who interact with them in the Border States. Imposing your opinions on their populace may cause irreparable harm to their attitudes about Americans and make them a surly bunch, eh.

  3. You will need to learn the rules of hockey and be prepared for lively conversations about the weather. Sometimes, the words will be in French.

  4. Can you end your sentences with “Eh?” A-boot how long can you stand the OOOO sound where the OWWW sound was previously found?

  5. It is necessary to understand the metric system as a resident of Canada. You may need to hire someone to make the conversions for you lest you find yourself going far too slow driving the roads near Vancouver or find yourself overdressed when you hear the temperatures expected that day.

  6. Ask yourself, “How do I look in a stocking hat and can my hair maintain its lively bounce in the face of a Canadian blizzard?”

  7. Learn the rules when approaching a moose in the wild. Don’t assume that it will react like Bullwinkle as you may end up as a head on the wall in its den.

  8. Just because the Mounties wear bright colors and fancy hats, don’t assume the Canadians support all the LGBT causes. The royal national anthem is “God Save the Queen”, again, don’t make assumptions.

  9. The color blue is absent from the Canadian flag. A coincidence? I think not.

  10. The national animal is much less heroic than the USA's bald eagle. Can you look at a beaver and feel a sense of national pride?

  11. The odds of being asked to go fishing increase dramatically in Canada. Be prepared for the question and always wear a life jacket.

  12. You will be forced to learn the words “please” and “thank-you” and understand how they can be used in normal conversation.

  13. Though medicine is socialized in Canada, be prepared to travel south for that operation you so desperately need. That’s what the monied citizens of Canada do. The curse of living in a utopia.

  14. When packing your things for the move north, you will find an abundance of free labor provided by the army of deplorables. An ad in Craigslist will bring waves of rednecks happy to speed your journey to the Great White North.

Have a safe trip and don't be afraid to share your special version of the world with all you meet. Everyone is interested in what you have to say and are absolutely in lock step with your opinions. If you find that you are being asked to go hunting in the Canadian wilderness by those who frequently hear your thoughts, please notify your next of kin as to your planned location and wear an emergency locator beacon. God bless and have fun.

A Global Look At Your New Home

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