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Hey! Don't Be A Douche.

Updated on August 6, 2015

First off...

Let me start by saying...
This is all in good fun.
It's not meant to be taken seriously, it's just little old me poking fun at things that I see every day.
Try to enjoy.

Respect Artists

I don't care what you do.
If you are a writer, a painter, a musician, an actor, a professional wrestler, a guy who makes fart noises with his armpit, a tattooist, or behind the counter at Subway, if you have a passion about an art form, you kick ass.
You know who doesn't kick ass?
People that assume because you do creative stuff that you'll totally drop everything and do creative stuff for them.
"Oh, write me a song"
"Paint a picture of my family"
"Do that fart thing again"

It's fine to ask people to do things for you.
Just don't take advantage of them, and certainly don't make any assumptions about the time or quality of the product if you're not willing to pay or a really good friend.

Stop Taking Everything So Seriously

I mean, guys... Come on.
It's 2015, this should be the most evolved, the most tolerant, and the most understanding we've ever been as a species, and yet...
People will be offended by almost anything!
Don't believe me? Here are some killer examples.
There's a high school in Utah that had to change their name from the Cougars to the Chargers... Because they worried it might offend middle-aged women.
Beautiful jungle cats? Nah, older women who like younger men.

When something seems rude or brash, take a deep breath and consider a few things.
One- Does it actually matter? I mean... Sticks and stones and all that. If it's not causing actual damage, let it be.
Two- See number one.
Seriously. If it's not actually hurting anyone in a way that can't be easily fixed, leave it be. Just because it isn't your cup of tea, that doesn't mean someone else isn't thirsty.

Stop being so indifferent.

I mean, come on guys, can we please start taking things more seriously?!

There are real world issues that need our attention.
For far too long, it has been socially acceptable, and I'd even argue that it's been encouraged to be indifferent.
It's so easy to mock people who are passionate about a cause that you don't understand, it's harder to take a look in the mirror and realize you could be doing more to help the world be a better place.
Be the change you wanna see in the world, all that crap.

It's called YOUR cause, BEcause...

Don’t force your political views onto people!
The beauty of living in this country is you are allowed to think whatever you want. You will not be executed in the street if you have some uncommon thoughts or beliefs.
Or so it seems.
I'm just gonna go ahead and say, it's totally okay to be completely devoted to a cause.
In fact, that's awesome, you're making the world a better place, and I dig it.
Ya know what I don't dig?
When you act shitty towards people because they don't dig it.
Let's say that Sally loves animals.
Sally loves animals more than she loves people.
Sally adopted a bunch of animals and started a wildlife reserve in her back yard.
Good on you, Sally.
But her next door neighbor, Alphonse...
Well. Alphonse doesn't really care for animals.
He doesn't dislike them! He just doesn't share Sally's passion.
Alphonse doesn't complain about Sally's Zoo.
Alphonse thinks that Sally is doing a good thing and respects her more for it.
So does it make sense for Sally to get in Alphonse's face because he isn't starting a zoo or adopting animals?
Not even a little bit!

So in the future, when you're passionate about something, don't hesitate to spread the message, but don't assume everyone else is as passionate as you are.

Don't. Drive. Like. An. Asshole.

Look, none of us are perfect drivers.
We all think we are, we all say we are, and the cold, hard truth is that none of us are.
It's not our fault, human's weren't meant to have cars.
Think about it, giant metal machines cruising down asphalt at incredible speeds within inches of other speeding metal death-traps? It's just bonkers.
We all do things we shouldn't.
Some people text and drive, some people have headphones in while they're driving, some people speed, some people swerve, I've even seen some people read and drive*.
It's a mad, mad world, full of mad, mad people.
But there are a few things that are totally avoidable that drive me absolutely insane.

One- If you are not going the speed limit, people will pass you.
Sorry folks, people expect you to go the provided speed, if not a little faster.
Don't be a douche if someone passes you.
Don't speed up while they're in the other lane, don't ride their bumper after they've passed you, and for the love of all that is good, if it is late at night, don't put your high beams on. I get it, I’ve threatened your ego by saying, “Hey pal, you’re not going fast enough for me”, but that’s really no reason to blind me or endanger my life. If you were running a marathon, and someone happened to stroll past you, would you kick them in the back of the knee? If the answer is yes, you’re a douche, and you need to re-evaluate your life.

Two- The best bit of driving advice I've ever gotten is that "hesitation kills people".
Either go or don't go. Don't go, and then stop, and then inch forward, and then stop.
You're sending mixed signals and causing a communication clusterfuck in a speeding killing machine. If you have to think about whether you can make it, you probably can't.

Three- If you're at a red light, this is not a pit stop. You are still part of traffic, and therefor are expected to GO when the light turns green.

Four- If you're behind someone at a red light, and they don't go the second it turns green, chill out for five seconds. They might have zoned out, no need to Hulk out, brother.

*You may notice that in the list of every-day driving sins, I didn't include drinking and driving.
That's because, while everything else I mentioned is dangerous, none of them are as dangerous as drinking and driving. You are physically incapable of driving safely under the influence.

Don't Text My Name, Alejandro

For most of us, buying a cell phone involves signing a contract.
You'll find a lot of rules, regulations, and legal mumbo jumbo.
You know what you won't find?
I know, I know, you don't believe me, go check, I'll wait.

Nowhere in that contract does it say you're legally obligated to text anyone back.
Look, I know it sucks when you text someone, or hell, for old time's sake, call someone, and they don't answer...
But they really don't have to.
People are busy!
There are things to do, places to see, people to meet!
Not everyone has time!
And hell, even if you're not busy.
How would you like it if you were sitting in your room, typing away at a satirical article that doesn't have enough bite to bark, and someone just barged into your room to say "Hey".
You'd be kinda pissed, wouldn't you?
If it bothers you that someone doesn't text you back all the time, confront them, try to articulate how you feel as if they should drop everything they're doing and help you.

You wanna know what will really bug them?
Just don't text them at all.
You showed them.

Don't Smother The Talent

If you're someone's boss, say... at a creative talent agency, and you make money based on how much money your client makes.
Don't smother them.
Don't harass them.
Don't try to tell them how to write when you can't figure out which "to/too/two" is appropriate.
All you're doing is making it harder for them to get work done.
Leave them alone.
Let them work.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Don't Write Satirical Lists.

Seriously. It's pretentious.
Nobody cares what you think!
You're not being relatable, clever, or funny.
You just wasted five minutes of someone's day, and like half an hour of your own.


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