How To Be A 'Sorry' Person . . .
The Ultimate Sorry Person . . .
"This is Peter Graves. I only played one sorry character in my entire career. It felt good."
Photos Of More Forms of Sorry People:
This piece is
aimed at . . .
two groups of people. A. The people who are always nice. All the time. Because of, it was how they were raised, or it's expected of them to always be nice. And B. People who live outside of the deep south.
I start with the groups of people who are always nice. Always doing the right thing. Because it's how they are. We expect it from the 'Clark Kent's' and Roy Rogers' of the world. And this is not, mind you, a negative thing. But it can be to the 'Kent's' and Rogers' who, after all, are human. Flesh and blood. And to have their limits.
With the advice I am sharing in his story, Mr. and Mrs. Nice Guy and Girl, in no time flat, you can be a purebred, card-carrying, feared, sometimes-respected, 'sorry' person. And all it (may) cost you is a few good friends, your good standing in the Elks Lodge, and your 'nice person' image that you have sharpened to a sparkling image over the years. It's your choice. Remain nice. Or be 'sorry' for a little while. It's not like I am suggesting that you take over your office and ransack the offices after hours. Or run screaming, "I am a wild beast," through your local mall. Do you think I would stoop to such degrading levels? Shame on you.
And the second group of people, those who live outside of the deep south. Down here we have a different. Unusual. Unique definition of words. Such as the word 'sorry.' In the south, there are two forms of sorry. One is, you are really sorry for splashing mud on Leroy and his girl, Jessie June last Friday night while they were cuddling in the bed of Leroy's Ford Super Duty truck, and the other form of sorry is just that..low down, shiftless, irresponsible, heartless, cold and not liked by anyone. Not even the reddest of necks.
The last one is the focus of this story. Before I begin, I want to ask you some serious questions about being 'sorry.'
- Has being SORRY ever hurt anyone? Really?
- Has SORRY people ever been convicted of a major crime (John Dillinger, Pretty Boy Floyd, Baby Face Nelson, not included in question).
- Do innocent people really respect SORRY people? (I can answer this now, but I won't).
- Are SORRY people as worse as cholera or maybe anthrax (the disease, not the heavy metal band).
You thought that I was just kidding around, didn't you. No, I am somewhat serious about being 'sorry.' Personally, I think that sorry people serve a grand and higher purpose. I give you the example of professional wrestler, Jerry "The King" Lawler. I watched Lawler climb the ladder of professional wrestling and always did the right thing. Presented the right image. You know. America. Mom. Apple Pie. That stuff. And when he would lose a match, he was always the gracious loser--bowing his head as he left the ring.
But one Friday night I happen to be watching Lawler in a match against some pro wrestler wannabe, and something inside Lawler's head snapped. For in a flash of a moment, he turned from nice to sorry. And I mean sorry. He did illegal moves on this stunned opponent who must have been his friend outside of the ring. He sneered at the fans who were, for the first time in his career, booing and hissing him like snakes in a pit. But Lawler loved it. And maintained this 'sorry' image throughout the rest of his career until he retired. A sorry wrestling superstar.
You see. Being sorry is not that bad. But you got to be tough as shoe leather. Hard as nails. And unapproachable by anyone but other sorry people. Nice people are off-limits to you now. You are a reborn sorry man or woman. You now command respect from coworkers. Strangers. Waiters. Bartenders. Preachers. Used car salesmen. And would-be spineless people who would have taken advantage of you if you had remained a nice person.
But to be sorry take some preparation . . .
- First, sell or give-away, all of your sunshiny clothing--'Up With People' T-shirts, any article of clothing that makes you look nice and cushy.
- Second, hang out, even if you have to pay cash for the privilege, with sorry people. Watch what they do. Say. And act. This will prove helpful later on.
- Third, practice being sorry on your in-laws, not your family. Remember, sorry people are also intelligent people and you do have to sleep somewhere.
- Fourth, practice walking sorry. Even buy sorry, tough-looking car and drive around town with your sorry sunglasses on and DO NOT wave anyone. Sorry people are NOT diplomats.
Now, my friends, you are about to embark on an entirely-different way of life. A way of life that you have secretly dreamed of. Even in church. But until now, you never had anyone to 'coach you up' to being sorry. You see. It was fate that led you to read this story. Otherwise you would be left with all the secret, miserable regret's of 'what if' I had just stepped up and turned sorry. Now you can be sorry. Just memorize the tips below and before you know it, you will be asked to leave restaurants, neighbor's homes, graduation exercises for your niece, and other things that you have dreamed of doing.
1. NEVER, FOR ANY REASON - smile. This says that you are soft. Weak. A push-over. Learn to snarl under your breath. Mumble hard-to-understand things under your breath. Soon you will be thought of as sorry. And a person that is not to be messed with. By anyone.
2. SPEAK SHORT, SNAP AT PEOPLE - yes, this might be you taken off the Employee of The Month List, but who cares, you are a sorry person. Not a person whose time is to be wasted on listening to coworkers gab and yak about their kids winning a ballgame, their wife being nominated for Homemaker of The Month and other stuff that you used to have to suffer through in office conversations. Not anymore. Word will get around by your colleagues that you have turned sorry and are not privy to their nice talks anymore.
3. BE ARROGANT, SELF-ABSORBED - and my friend, what a wave of respect will head your way. No longer will you have to say humble things like, "I give Bob the credit for this project," and things of this nature. From now on, you say, "Yeah, I did do a great job, didn't I?" when the boss compliments you. And get this. Maybe your boss will keep his eye on you more for the sudden show of confidence you have displayed.
4. TELL LIES - because a majority of sorry people lie. There's not many honest sorry people. That would be against the grain. And your lies do not have to cause injury to people, just creatively lie about who set the gopher rat loose in the break room last Monday when you boss is giving private interrogations on this matter. Smile and bark at the boss, "Hey, boss man. The culprit who turned the gopher loose and disrupted 'MY' workday, was Larry. Now may I get back to work?" Poor Larry. Never knew what hit him. But you do. Because it was you who let loose the angry, wild gopher rat as a symbol of being an unpredictable sorry person.
5. PUSH PEOPLE ASIDE - in the office cafeteria. Or when you take your wife to dinner. Sorry people do not have time to 'wait out' the nice people. You are a sorry man. A man who has sorry things to do and sorry people to see. Just take a deep breath and make your move. Push the two couples ahead of you aside and smile that smirky smile and say, "You don't want a piece of this. What if I told you that I was the State Boxing Champ of 1988 in Missouri?" They will move. Fast. And you didn't lie. You said 'what IF.' You see how much better life is as a sorry person.
AND LASTLY . . .
5. TAKE THE CREDIT - for work that you didn't do, but be clever about it. Do not leave any paper trails or evidence that can get you into trouble. It's your career. Do what a sorry person would do. Take credit for someone else's work. Do not worry. Your noble coworkers cannot messs with you for they now fear you, the sorry person in the office.
Do you think that you can handle your new role as a sorry man or woman? Now be honest. If you have maybe an inkling of doubt, do not follow my advice in this story. Life is sometimes a cold, dog-eat-dog place where only the sorry survive. Not the strong as in olden days.
Make sure. Before you take the plunge from "Mr. Nice Guy," to being an all-around "Mr. Sorry Person."
And listen to me. if you do make the change from nice to sorry and fail. Because of the advice I give you in this story, . . .