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How To Hide Farts At Work As a Veterinary Medical Professional

Updated on February 6, 2016

Stick Near The Patients

Always keep a dog by you. Dog farts are the worst and dogs are so easy to blame AND forgive in this field. That rambunctious Labrador puppy toots when you pick him up by his little round belly... how cute! That old dog is so gassy he can't help it, but he is just so sweet and affectionate, we'll let it pass (pun intended)!

Cat poop has a hellacious smell that can hide even the most noxious post-curry gas. Linger in the cat ward doing treatments or keep an extra close eye on the constipated cat who just had an enema. Change some litter boxes, clean out a few cages - spending any time in the cat ward gives an easy out for your own gas passing that people readily will believe came from the cats without a batting an eye.

Fecal Samples

Offer to run a lot of lab work so that you remain close to the fecal sample trash can. Be the one to empty the trash often enough that your coworkers see you are trying to DECREASE the offensive odors in your working environment. This way you are seen as the one who provides a remedy rather than the one who supplied the stink to begin with.

Crop Dusting

Let's say you ate some Mexican food last night and you have no choice but to puff out some silent-but-deadly odors from your back end. Crop dusting is an intricate but manageable option, provided you plan it out.

  1. As you crop dust an area, mention that you smell poop from one of the patients. Then the coworkers who you were passing by will disperse and scramble to find the source of the smell. Just be sure to follow up with a distraction before they regroup to discuss their findings - or lack thereof.
  2. Wait until an urgent situation is presented. Examples of situations like this are incoming emergencies, same-day unplanned major surgeries, or phone calls about possible toxin ingestion. Just make sure the situation being addressed is serious enough that laughter or accusations of the origin of a fart would be at least frowned upon by others. You can fart amongst the group of coworkers and not only do people care too much about the crisis being introduced, they also forget faster because there is an important upcoming event they need to create a plan for.
  3. Do it when you run charts up to the reception area. They won't notice until you've already left the area and are less likely to talk about it because they are in the presence of clients. Don't do it every time you go up to the front or you risk the likelihood of the receptionists concluding that it's you, not one of them.

Offer To Walk The Dogs At Lunchtime

This is the ultimate way to hide farts in this profession. Offer to walk the hospitalized dogs over the lunch hour and you get so much more than you imagined!

  1. You get paid to play with a dog.
  2. You get to go outside!
  3. It's time away from other humans for a while.
  4. YOU CAN FART WHENEVER YOU WANT AND NOT HAVE TO HIDE IT!

Veterinary professionals really have a fantastic array of options for masking farts at work. It's a lot easier to be productive and maintain a positive morale at work when you don't have all that pressure threatening your sphincter.

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