How to Get Thrown-Out of Any Lavish Dinner Party
WRITER'S NOTE: I wrote a hub a long time ago how to crash a lavish dinner party. But since then I've found out that getting yourself thrown-out from such social "thorns" is tougher than you'd think due to the host and hostess not wanting to be sued. So with that being typed, here are several ways how you can get yourself tossed from any lavish dinner party without feeling guilty. KENNETH.
So here you are. At home after "working like a dog," 65 hours this week. You are so happy that today is Friday. The weekend. Time to unwind, drink a little beer, watch the game with some guys and not move until Monday.
Has anyone ever told you that you are one gullible man? Oh, no one. Not even your sweet little socialite wife who you married because she said on the night you proposed that she was tired of society and wanted a regular guy for a husband.
And you went for it like those prize-winning bass on the "Fishing with Bill Dance," show.
Let me tell you my soon-to-be-miserable friend, what has happened. You told her that you would provide the living and she was only to keep the home clean and other little chores. But one day while you were at work, she accidentally turned your 52-inch plasma television to the Documentary Channel that was showing a film about "Society's Richest and Most-Popular People," and there it was. She had a change of heart. Just wait until you get home.
After you kiss her on that certain Friday evening, grab yourself a cold one, and prop up in your recliner, she hits you with this, "Uhhh, sweetie. I, love you. And you love me. But huneee, I want you to do me this itty bitty favor. Okay?"
Foolishly, you say without thinking, "Uhh, sure, babe. Anything for my hot blond wife with the perfect figure." Man, you are one Grade "A", Blue ribbon winning idiot.
"Great, sweetie," she gushes. "Hurry up now and pour out that beer. You need to shower and get dressed."
"For what, itty bitty butt?" you ask like the fish who is already hooked.
"Susie JoAnn's dinner party tonight. She invited us this afternoon and I said yes," your glowing wife replies as your mouth hits the floor.
"Now wait a minute, errr, babe. Isn't that one of them, uhhh, society things you said you hated?" you argue.
"Giggle, giggle, now sweetie. You know how us girls change our minds--so get ready. We don't want to be late. Now chop, chop!" she demands, not asking anymore.
But my gullible friend. I have news. Good news. This story features a few ways that you can "Successfully Get Yourself Thrown Out of Any Lavish Dinner Party," so hurry up and digest this dynamite information if you want to be happy instead of miserable.
- When you and your wife, "Ms Change of Heart," are greeted at the front door, you ask, "this is the only whore house I could find, and this one, I do not like."
- Have your shirt-tail hanging out and dirt on the front of your white shirt.
- Say to the hostess, "care to watch me do my dog impression?"
- When the hostess is "air-kissing" your wife, you barge past the hostess and bellow, "where can I get a belt of whiskey?"
- Start chasing the valet who is trying to park your pick-up truck. When you catch him, give him a beer and you and him ride around for an hour.
- Tell the hostess she reminds you of the current Playboy centerfold.
- Then apologize to the hostess for saying that remark because she, the hostess has way too many wrinkles.
- "This thang expensive?" you ask your nervous hostess as you toss an expensive Chinese vase up and down as the other guests gasp with fear.
- Literally run to where the other guests are congregating and do some chest-bumps to say hi to them.
- On purpose, before this stuffy get-together, you have ate your weight In sweet potatoes, collard greens, and cabbage, all ingredients for creating gas in your stomach and colon. Well, you pass from group of people to the other "spreading" aromas of what you had for your dinner.
- Get down on all-fours and growl at the hostess' pet poodle scaring it to death.
- Tell the hostess' husband, "how much did you pay for her?" Talking about his wife.
- At dinner, you yell to the hostess' husband, "are you a butcher by trade?"
- Confess to the other guests that you had two uncles who died in prison for bank robbery.
- Ask the waiters if this dinner is an "all-you-can-eat" affair
- Talk with food oozing out of your mouth
- Tell people that Animal House is your favorite movie and act-out the "food fight" scene.
- Put your bare feet on the table as you eat. The hostess, out of embarrassment, will say, "sir, do you know what you are doing?" You take a huge bite of whatever she is serving, and reply, "sure. I put my feet on our table at home."
- Unbuckle your belt when you finish eating then start belching.
- Nudge the lady next to you and say, "do you pole dance?"
- Nudge the man on your other side and say, "don't worry. I won't tell these people I saw you coming out of a gay bar last night."
- Nod-off to sleep and snore while the host and hostess are showing slides of their recent vacation to Germany.
- Get out a pack of cigarettes and light-up even though your wife tells you at home that smoking is not allowed.
- Ask a pretty woman at the bar, "care to let me do mouth-to-mouth on you?"
- Start leaping around on the furniture as if you have changed into an ape.
- Run outside and yell to the neighbors, "come on over! Free booze and broads!"
By doing the things on this list, two things are guaranteed to happen to you:
1. You will be thrown-out of this or any party you are made to attend by your wife who was having social withdrawals.
2. You will be served with divorce papers in a day or two.
You win in either case.