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How to Steal a Trillion Dollars.

Updated on August 20, 2016

Killing Two Birds with One Stone

Some countries such as the United States have budgets of trillions of dollars. If you can just manage to steal an election, you will get to steer where trillions of dollars of contracts go to. If you are the beneficiary of these contracts, you have just stolen a trillion dollars.

There are some precautions you need to take before stealing an election and pocketing a cool trillion.

You should not be a candidate for the elections you are trying to steal if you can possibly help it. Yes there are plenty of counterexamples. You can find politicians who come into office poor and leave rich. However, we are speaking of best practices here. When a good thief steals a lot of money he does one of two things. Either he diverts suspicion to others or he makes the theft legal. Sometimes he does both. if you run for office and get rich while in office, even the gullible voters who seem to keep voting for the best liar might just catch on.

Winning the Zombie Vote

In the past, in some locales the dead rose from their graves and voted for their favorite politician. In places where the voter rolls are not maintained properly dead people can vote all the time.

In order to get the Zombie vote, it helps to have a corrupt voting system wherein everyone inside the registration office and anyone who handles ballots or anything else having to do with an election is well and truly bribed.

If there are any watchdog agencies they too should be bribed. The advantage of this system is that you may not need to influence many people to steal an election. It works best with local elections since doing it all over the country would require a huge organization and lots money and coordination.

Ghosts in the Machine

The modern way to steal an election is to do it electronically. Take advantage of the fact that people trust machines more than they trust politicians. This misplaced trust means that all you have to do is program the computer to cheat a little bit and you have changed an election loss into a plausible election victory. The only way to get a recount is ask the computer. They same computer that was programmed to lie to you the first time.

One of the biggest advantages of a stealing an election with computers is that you can do it from a few central computer supply points or computer programming offices. And the only one who has to know you are cheating is a single programmer. Not even the main programmers need to know. It could be supervisor or a Quality Assurance guy.

As flawed and as slow as they are, paper balloted elections with proper oversight and chain of custody processes can be more honest than machine run elections.

Chinese Chips

We are hearing these days that computer chips from China are even used as components in our military systems.

We are also hearing that some of these chips have viruses and back doors built into them. If ever we had a war with China, maybe they would just turn all our weapons off and program our hair dryers to kill us. It's too bad that I am really not kidding about this but you can't help it, you are sure I must be...

Meanwhile back at the elections, If we are willing turn control of our bullets and bombs over to Chinese computer chips, why stop there? Why wouldn't we install Chinese computer chips into our election machines as well? And then the Chinese could control the outcome of every American election from now on.

But you say, surely there are safeguards, surely there is multiple sourcing of the computer chips. Surely there our human inspectors and supervisors and Quality Assurance folks...

Have you ever looked into the drug trade? Roughly speaking, at any given time there are only billions of dollars at stake in the illegal drug trade. Only billions but people rape, rob, torture, kill, murder, burn, loot, extort and bribe to keep the drug trade going.

Getting a hold of the budget and military of an entire nation puts trillions at your fingertips. What could possibly possess you to think that the same tactics that drug lords use to get billions would not be used by foreign nations, corporations and even billionaire individuals to lay hands on trillions?

But Wait, There's More...

Man's ingenuity in stealing things knows no earthly bounds. Stealing an election is no different.

The latest spin on stealing an election is a two step process.

1) As they say on the star ship Enterprise: Lower your shields. Lower the barriers to illegal immigration. Make your nation a haven for foreign criminals.

About 20 million illegals should do it so it might take years to accomplish but with persistence and perseverance, you can get it done. You might even offer amnesty to the illegals flooding across your border but only if they have broken at least three of your nation's laws. If they have broken fewer than three, deport them immediately. You want dedicated foreign criminals who are beholden to you and will do your bidding. You can bribe them with counterfeit money if you like. They are after all foreign nationals. How will they know you are giving them funny money?

Another thing you can do is to make it illegal to ask where someone was born. This will make it even harder to track the foreign narco terrorists or other foreign criminals who commit crimes in your name.

2) Get rid of all rules, laws and regulations that require that voters identify themselves. Steal the voters rolls so you know the name of everyone who is supposed to vote in every precinct. Pay your illegals to be first in line on election day, claim to be someone they are not and to vote early and vote often. If you don't like bribing millions of folks with counterfeit bills you could always use a smaller cadre of hundreds of thousands. Since no one can be identified, your foreign criminals can go to as many polling places as they are physically able and claim to be as many different people as possible and vote as many times as is physically possible.

If you are feeling generous toward your country men you may bribe them with the counterfeit money to vote as you direct. The best candidates for this job are those who think of the government as a cross between Santa Claus and the tooth fairy. These people often expose themselves by participating in rallies to get free stuff for no work. Rallies for free health care, free money, free apartments, free rent, and to get all of their student loans paid off. Such people are not nearly smart enough to know how economies really work and they are dumb enough to believe everyone everywhere commits voter fraud and steals so they shouldn't miss out on the rewards of doing so themselves.

One More Thing

Some of you want power and money without having to get your hands dirty. Stealing an election sounds like lot of hard work. You hit the snooze button on that idea and wait for another idea...

Look out world, here it comes!

If you want to steal a trillion dollars without stealing an election you need to be someone who has access to a trillion dollars without getting elected.

There are many more such people than you might imagine. For instance, the heads of certain government, agencies, departments and ministries control an unGodly amount of money. The problem is that stealing that money tends to be illegal unless you ware willing to work a complex money laundering scheme.

Again, sounds like hard work. Surely there are easier ways to steal a trillion dollars. Yes, yes there are.

You could be a high mucky muck at the United Nations or your could be a highly placed bureaucrat or one of the powers that be in the European Union. That way, no one can vote you out for being a lazy, stupid, colossal screw-up, and you can lay hands on a trillion dollars legally!

Again, even in unelected essentially criminal enterprises such as international or multi-national quasi, pseudo government organizations they frown on outright theft so you will need a plausible ruse to steal the trillion.

The best hoax going these days is Global Warming. The most convincing fraud is Climate Change. You don't even have to deal with the common sense notion that China and the rest of the third world will out pollute the west no matter what the west does. Fortunately, self-hating pollution Nazis have everyone convinced that capitalism is the root of all evil and that capitalist pollution is foul and communist pollution smells like roses--or teen spirit. I forget which.

So you may legally extort member nations with taxes, fees and surcharges and have them paid to a company you just happen to own. Or maybe your cousin owns it--whatever. It's not like the press could get wind of it. Not with all those bribes you are paying them to keep looking at how some starlet is divorcing some other starlet.


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