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I Think We Need To Send Suze Ormond To Haiti

Updated on January 21, 2010


Trust me when I say that I was just as moved as everyone else when viewing the horrific consequences from the recent earthquake in Haiti. You’re talking about a guy who has had to stop watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition because his tear ducts and sinuses simply can’t take all that sobbing so you can imagine how I felt and feel when I see the images of this tragedy unfolding. I also have to wonder why so many news teams from around the world are there and not picking up a shovel in between getting their makeup done and interviewing survivors (Anderson Cooper excluded for his recent pulling a survivor from the wreckage) with such insensitive and stupid questions such as, “You were under a pile of dead bodies for three days, how did that make you feel?” Yes, I actually heard a reporter ask someone this question. Amazing but I chalk it up the 24 hour news cycle and the American thirst for tragedy I guess. So as I watch this on a national and local front hearing everything that everyone is doing for Haiti, including stars who are donating a million dollars like us normal folk give a dollar at the store for breast cancer and sign a paper pink ribbon with our name on it to be displayed in the store, I can’t help but think of all of the people starving in America, the people who still have no real home after the floods in New Orleans and all the jobless and homeless in our country. I also have to wonder if we Americans with our not so great track record of financial prowess should be sending all this cash to a place where the infrastructure of the government is not great. That’s why I think that along with the telethons and cash, I think we need to send Suze Ormond to Haiti – Don’t Get Me Started!

Suze Ormond with her no nonsense approach to financial advice annoys the crap out of me. I know, she’s a lesbian and because we’re both homosexuals I should love her and I do love her but I can only watch about six minutes of her. Something about the tone of her voice and her fervor that makes it like watching Nancy Grace, that guy from Mad Money or the Christian Right to me, a lot of screaming at me and I didn’t even do anything. But we need her to go there and handle this for the world’s sake.

So far, our government hasn’t done well with the trillions of dollars that it’s supposed to be “budgeting” every day and I think it’s even more ridiculous for Bruce Springsteen and the rest of the celebrities to donate a bunch of money while George Clooney answers phones to send even more money that will no doubt end up in the wrong people’s pockets. If Bush and Cheney were still in office I’m sure it would go to Halliburton but with Obama, God love him, who knows where it will end up? I myself am a complete mess when it comes to finances. I have no idea what the interest I should be paying on anything should be, always think I have more money in my account than I do and am just generally, like the rest of America a screw up when it comes to my finances. I try to tell myself that I’m helping the economy by spending money on things I really don’t need and can’t afford but in truth, I’m just digging a hole from which I’ll never get out of probably. But this isn’t about me. My point is that the supposed experts in this country haven’t seemed to do any better than me but at least Suze Ormond I think we can trust. She’s a lesbian for God sake, do you have any idea how trust worthy lesbians are? I’m telling you, they’re very trust worthy and will cut you if you think differently.

And while we’re sending Suze over to handle the financial end of things I think we need to send some other people too. While America loves to say it’s the richest country in the world, we’re really just the most spoiled. So here’s what I think we should do. I think we should round up all of those people who think they’re too good to take a job in fast food or these people who have lived on welfare for an eternity popping out more kids to get more money and getting a doctor somewhere to label them as disabled (yes, I saw Precious) and send them all to Haiti to get to work. I don’t think we Americans have any idea what a good honest day’s work is anymore so I think we should take the Jersey Shore kids and send them over to Haiti to build houses and do what those boys seem to think is so important – GTL (Gym, Tan, Laundry) – they’ll be building houses so that will be a better work out than lifting weight which gives them their man tits they desire, they’ll be getting tan because they’ll be outside all day and they can do everyone’s laundry like the Tide truck I saw that goes into areas that have had tragedies and cleans everyone’s clothes (love this idea). Let’s not send our good people over there, we need our good people here to figure out how to make jobs and whatnot happen. Let’s send over all of our reality stars who get big paychecks for so little and the teens who feel too good to do anything but be a star on American Idol. Let’s send all the 30 year old, wannabe rap stars that are still living on their mother’s couch over there but for God sakes people, let’s keep our arrogance to a minimum and not think we know it all when it comes to finance like the bunch I’m proposing we send over, shall we?

We need a good solid strategy in place before we send money to a country that has no idea what to do with it and we also need to admit that we’re not much better in that department either. So here’s my idea for a solution that will really help Haiti once the celebrity money come in. I think we need to send Suze Ormond to Haiti – Don’t Get Me Started!

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