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I stand convicted and guilty. I went to K-Mart

Updated on June 5, 2013

I just put my boy on a table he cannot get off, cuz I can't afford a babysitter.

Total accident see how the letters are in order, but facing away from him. But the other side said "can I please get down?"
Total accident see how the letters are in order, but facing away from him. But the other side said "can I please get down?" | Source

My crazy wife wanted a fan to blow air around.

WHAT? Farts move air around. Why would you hire a something or pay for it to do such a normal act?? If it is hot just cook up more beans: Beans, beans the magical fruit the more you eat the more you toot!!

I am as ugly as a bull Rhino's back end. I make a 80 year old hippo look handsome. I am seriously handicapped in the area of handsome. A nasty rattlesnake once went for my leg, he shut his mouth and aimed for a rock I done scared with my ugly. Can you even imagine my nose? I woke up the other morning to my little one launching his air force off of it. That was OK until I realized he had four of them just parked there.

So with those good looks and a "need" for a fan I took off to K-mart. I know I should have gone to Walmart but my neighborhood is too cheap to have one, and my car will only go 30 miles an hour because I run it on methane(please see first paragraph).

My wife would not know a pun if it bit her, so I made her listen ten times. She did not stop laughing for a week.

I think ding a ling is a cool word.

You know words that sound like what they mean.

Slap -- unless you as ugly as me, then what should have been a slap sound is the slapping of you shoes as you run away.

His -- cuz when she says it, it sounds like hiss witch is what she is doing.

Dork -- this is a weird one because it is supposed to mean a whale penus -- but when you say it, it sounds just like who you are referring to.

Peace --- but if you are Vietnamese the accent makes it piss. So at church we have this break called The Peace and we go around pissing on each other.

So in I go to K-mart

Oh dear there was a beautiful family all dressed in plaid pants, white shoes and striped shirts, matching of course with cutesy "his" & "hers" arrows. The baby was in a stroller so I smile and waived at it --- it started crying so they called security. That disaster was avoided because I agreed to get a ski mask to wear in the store. This was strange because on check out, the cashier was so nice I took the mask off to smile and thank her ---- as soon as I did she gave me all the money in her drawer. Go figure.

Back to the fans. Of course I bought the cheapest they had, which was cool cuz it was solar powered. I figured great! cuz this way if my wife wanted to get cool she would have to go out into the sun. And I could relax with my boy on the table.

When it get hot my boy and me just go out to the pool I built for him.

This was a disaster as he splash over the beer I had cooling.
This was a disaster as he splash over the beer I had cooling. | Source

I really do not want to talk about the next two trips to K-mart

Solar fan did not work, cuz it was rainy out. The next fan I splurged. It was a fancy pantsy import model, all the way from Bangledesh. That fan was bad, the blades broke off and kind of, well actually cut in half a little thing called fluffy. But Pet Smart is another story, or is it pets mart?

My third trip was a winner. It was not midnight, the front door to K-mart was locked with a sign saying closed right under the sign blinking "open 24 hrs". So I rode around back -- yes this trip was on my bike as the business of the day kept me from filling up my car. I banged on the door for some help. The guy was so scared when he saw my face he threw his Employee lounge fan at me and slammed the door.

Well we have been using that fan for years now, it has been a treat. Now my boy is so big I give him a stick and he makes the blades go round.

When he gets tired we just eat some more beans.


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    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Isaac Weithers 4 years ago from The Caribbean

      Eric, too funny! Can you still go to K-Mart? Hope they don't read your article.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Oh my I am afraid to try MsDora --- but I kept the mask just in case.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

      LOL....great last line. There are a few stores I refuse to go to...Walmart is one and yes, KMart is another....I always feel like I need to take a shower after going to the Big K. :)

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      It made me feel ugly, hence the attitude. very funny how those things are. Life is just a joy to be shared, and especially where there is little.

      Bill, I just cannot thank you enough for your support and interest in my endeavors writing. Perhaps I would have stalled with out you.

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Mr. Eric-what-the-heck-were-in-those-beans-Dierker!

      Oh my lanta that was soooo funny! You have no idea how much I needed this; talk about bittersweet? I was confused... yet followed you through the whole thing! Seriously, what's in those beans? Or is it the hotdogs? I've detected a sense of humor before, but this, this is over the top... I'm not even a knee-slapper kind of girl, but this... this warranted some serious knee-slapping... in fact, I'm in a little pain right now :D

      By the way... I'm confused... you say you're ugly... do you have to pay that gorgeous man that allows you to use his image for you HP profile? I'm just concerned as you seem the kind who likes to save money... but well worth every penny as he's quite a looker ;-)

      I just went crazy and hit every button on this page... I hope I didn't violate anything :D

      Awesome Eric!!! Thank you!!!!

      Big ol' hugs!!!

      Cat

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Thanks Cat, I suppose I went a little crazy out here. But it sure was fun. Oh that photo is 20 years old and seriously photo shopped. Otherwise it would have violated some policy on obscenity ;-)

    • Kathryn Stratford profile image

      Kathryn 4 years ago from Manchester, Connecticut

      This is a funny, over the top story! Thanks for making me laugh.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      I too laughed a lot writing it. Thank you Kathryn. " I am never at a loss for a chuckle, because I was given the ability to laugh at myself" ed

    • Cantuhearmescream profile image

      Cat 4 years ago from New York

      Eric,

      Well, I enjoyed every minute of the crazy!

      ... and really, you mustn't be so hard on yourself!

    • christopheranton profile image

      Christopher Antony Meade 4 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom

      You are probably barred from that shop now for life. Thanks for the laughs Eric.

    • Ericdierker profile image
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      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      All in jest my good friends. Just fun stuff that goes through my mind. Cat and Chris thank you for coming by and starting my day off happy!

    • ahorseback profile image

      ahorseback 4 years ago

      Eric my friend , you sir have a way with ....."being different " , you should profit on that ......You're too cool ! I agree with Cat !.......Ed

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Thanks Ed, I used to worry about it. Now I let my wife worry about it! Perhaps a different way can help us see a better way.

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 4 years ago from Wales

      A wonderful read Eric and thank you for sharing. Voted up and here's wishing you a great day.

      Eddy.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Thank you Eddy, I hope you enjoyed it -- did not know if it would translate across the Pond. I hope you do not have these stores there!

    • Theater girl profile image

      Jennifer 4 years ago from New Jersey

      Funny funny, Eric!

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      thanks girl!

    • BNadyn profile image

      Bernadyn 4 years ago from Jacksonville, Florida

      Thanks for a funny read! I'm sure you had fun writing this piece. The K-Marts here have all been closing except for one I believe. Funny video, too, I forgot all about that song; added perfectly to the humor of this hub!

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Much thanks for the praise. I did have a blast writing it. I am afraid I might be too good at taking a little reality and weaving it into a very tall tail.

    • shanmarie profile image

      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Never quite know what to expect when I venture over to one of your hubs. LOL Tsk tsk tsk. . .with the boy on the table. ;) Betcha he could get down if he wanted. Haha Kids are nothing more than escape artists.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Well in fact he is in his flying stage and will try to fly off ---- Yikes. Thanks Shanmarie.

    • shanmarie profile image

      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Oh, but you know the song - the chicks dig it! But, just in case you don't: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iB16klLODYk.

    • ahorseback profile image

      ahorseback 4 years ago

      Eric ! It wasn't the beans my friend , It was peyote buttons !........LOL

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Oh dear my friend, those come out the mouth in an intensive Vomitous reaction which actually kicks in the experience. Strychnine must be carefully removed. I would never combine such things with a K-mart.

      But that is just the Navajo way.

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Thank you Shanmarie, you explain a lot ;-)

    • shanmarie profile image

      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      Ahahaha.....well, did you listen to the song or do you know it? The first verse is about a little boy that breaks his arm jumping out of a tree because "the chicks dig it." Perhaps your son will fly out off the table to impress his girlfriends. LOL Gotta make up for being guilty of shopping at Kmart somehow. hehe

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      LoL, the song can definitely account for a few of the seeming detours in my face. My elder son, only dislocated his shoulder. I do believe Wendy was her name. Mine was Mimi.

    • shanmarie profile image

      Shannon 4 years ago from Texas

      oohhh....do tell, please. haha

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Well you get it in your head to do something. But you are smart enough to be just scared enough not to do it. Then along comes the little missey in dire need of being impressed. So now you can fly.....

    • B. A. Williams profile image

      B. A. Williams 4 years ago from USA

      Well you certainly have a sense of humor Sir Eric, and for some reason while I was reading this I heard the words in my mind as if Forest Gump was speaking (that tone of voice.)

      The Walmart comment really made me laugh, and where things were manufactured, and now that song is in my head Ding a Ling.

      Do keep writing!

    • Ericdierker profile image
      Author

      Eric Dierker 4 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      If you laughed today because of something I had to say --- Yippee Yahoo!!!

      B. A. It pleases me to no end to have you visit.

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