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If culture Nannies get their way these depictions will all one day earn "R" ratings for movies

Updated on July 12, 2012

According to a report published in Pediatrics, a research team has concluded that depictions of smoking in movies promote tobacco use among teens. The leader of the research team, James Sargent, has further suggested that all movies which portray scenes of smoking should automatically be given R ratings. Although other experts are doubtful of the researchers' conclusions, as an average American citizen I do not have any doubts that Sargent will get his heart's desire very soon courtesy of the powerful Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA). This institution has historically been elated to help vilify whatever activities have been deemed unseemly, unwholesome, unsafe or conveniently un-American by the U.S. government. The relationship between the Gov and the MPAA has generally been a contented and prosperous one over the decades. And without the MPAA's eagerness to bolster political ideals the society our grandparents lived in may never have been spared other depravities deemed harmful in their lifetime. Among the depravities cut out by MPAA censorship in the past were actors shown with hair on their chests, married couples sharing a single bed, adults uttering profanity in times of frustration, women wearing two-piece bathing suits, non-white central characters, marijuana use leading to anything less than insanity and poverty, western heroes wearing hats that weren't white and real Native Americans being offered roles as Native American characters.

Certainly, there have been times when the Gov slagged on the job and was not sticking its fingers into every aspect of the lives of the ignorant masses. Fortunately times have changed and we're back to having a Government that diligently seeks to monitor, direct, correct and dictate every aspect of our day-to-day living. With this Godsend upon us I am sure that it will be no time before the MPAA will be doing their part in helping Uncle Sam by consigning movies with any depiction of smoking to the shameful wasteland of the R-rating. Not only this, I fully expect the good ole MPAA to take the lead in utterly disgracing all subjects presently deemed taboo and worse by our modern culture Nannies.

Going by Politically Correct sensibilities there are a whole lot of immoral liberties to be seen going on in movies these days. One sweet day the Gov might have all questionable activities banned for good. For now those who rely on culture Nannies for guidance can only hope that MPAA will quell the worst of these activities with the R-rating. And the following are the ones I predict will fall first under the ax once the decadent smoking scenes are taken down.

Drinking alcohol

Drinking soda pop

Eating candy

Eating red meat

Eating any meat

Serving dessert to children

Overweight characters presented in a positive light

The playing with a food that could possibly, no matter how small the likelihood, pose as a choking hazard

Showing someone making their own non-FDA approved energy drink

The feeding of non-EPA approved foods to wild animals

Depictions of non-environmentally friendly disposal of dead animals

Fishing without a license

Making your own cloth without a license

Characters receiving non-government approved alternative and natural medicines, herbs, vitamins and health procedures

Showing someone enjoying the light of day and getting a tan without suffering cancer

People using tanning beds (these reportedly cause cancer)

People using sunblock ("studies" suggest the active ingredients also cause cancer!)

People using aloe vera to treat sunburns - not recognized as a legitimate sunburn treatment by medical professionals

People using aspirin - aspirin was proven to cause a single case of Rye's Syndrome years ago so we can't take any chances.

People using Acetaminophen, aka Tylenol - this alternative to aspirin has been demonstrated to cause liver failure

People riding in a car without a seat belt

Reckless, high-speed car chases in which no passenger is wearing a seat belt

Children not strapped into federally approved child safety seats while in a vehicle

Children not remaining strapped into federally approved child safety seats while the hero is attempting to rescue the family from a vehicular combustion fire

Southern white males surviving any reckless, high-speed car chase, whether they've used the seat belts or not

Any white Southern character depicted as possessing more than enough intelligence to walk and chew gum at the same time

A man or woman kissing their sibling in a moment of passion, unless of course they are white people from the South

Depictions of the hero being attracted to a heroine who is gentle, feminine, kind, loving -and god help us- does NOT kick ass.

Any depiction of a man carrying his wife off to make passionate love to her - because her exchange of heated tongue action and deep moaning might, in some alternate universe, mean she's not interested.

Perpetuation of gay stereotypes even if the perpetuating is done by admittedly gay actors happy with their roles

The teaching of children to think independently

Educators depicted as anything less than saints with the ability to walk on water and feed the masses with only a single loaf of gluten-free bread

Educators depicted as being interested in pay raises, more vacation time and/or other juicy benefits at the taxpayers' expense

The public educational system portrayed under any insidious light

White males portrayed as upholders of justice

The bearing of arms by a private citizen

Bears bearing arms

The depiction of anyone receiving income of over $200,000 and not reporting it to the IRS

Depictions of potentially disease-laden animals brought into a home where children live

Anyone running with scissors

Depictions of the careless use of potentially eye-gouging sharp sticks

The use of corporal punishment on children, even if doing so might make them think twice before ascending the throne of the Antichrist

Depictions of people using disposable diapers

Depictions of persons keeping the shower running while washing their hair

Scenes of people using fossil fuels to power their vehicles

Scenes of people leaving any trace of a carbon footprint on the planet

Scenes of people stepping on innocent, helpless insects

Scenes of people using insecticides to kill venomous insects

Scenes of people destroying venomous animals

Scenes of people destroying the homes, lairs and dark nether recesses wherein dwell venomous animals

Scenes of people taking it upon themselves to suck venom out of an animal bite instead of calling the victim's government-appointed health provider first.

The portrayal of anyone dating a much younger teen without benefit of having to put their name on the National Sexual Predator Registry

Anyone proudly taking the life of a true predator

Someone being attacked in a manner that may cast inconvenient suspicion on someone of a different culture

The showing of aggression toward illegal aliens

Violence displayed or threatened against anyone who follows an extremist belief, no matter how disgusting their plans may be

The common sense and foresight of the scientific community coming under question

Big government being criticized, questioned or otherwise portrayed in a negative way

Depictions of anyone taking a tough stand against deceptive and oppressive leaders

Negative depictions of smoking something that, unlike tobacco, can turn someone into a mindless, giggling and easily manipulated idiot

This Hub ©July 11, 2012 by Beth Perry


Submit a Comment
  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    4 years ago from Tennesee

    Thanks Dolores!

  • Dolores Monet profile image

    Dolores Monet 

    4 years ago from East Coast, United States

    This was so funny! I can only imagine how much fun you had with this one. I loved the running with scissors one. There is nothing like a good laugh to start off the day.

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    Oh thank you so very much, Will :)

  • WillStarr profile image


    6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

    You are the absolute master at this, Beth!

    (And beautiful too!)

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    Thank you so very much, Dex :) You're very kind!

  • Dexter Yarbrough profile image

    Dexter Yarbrough 

    6 years ago from United States

    Hi Beth! You have done it again! You mixture of factual information with humor and opinions is inspiring. Government is certainly intruding into our everyday lives. I would hate for them to go this far.

    That Sargent guy scares me!

    This is a smart, smart hub, Beth. I hope many, many people read it for the amazing value and information it contains.

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    Thank you spartucusjones :)

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    Thank you spartucusjones :)

  • spartucusjones profile image

    CJ Baker 

    6 years ago from Parts Unknown

    That was brilliantly funny. Love the satirical wit and how you will able to make fun of ridiculous extremes of political correctness.

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    Patty Kenyon, glad you enjoyed and thanks for dropping in!

  • Patty Kenyon profile image

    Patty Kenyon 

    6 years ago from Ledyard, Connecticut

    This is Great!!

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    LOL DrMark1961!

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    Cool Lisa, I'll be checking your Hub tonight or tomorrow! Thanks much for dropping in to read :)

  • bethperry profile imageAUTHOR

    Beth Perry 

    6 years ago from Tennesee

    Becky, thanks girl and hope you're doing well today!

  • DrMark1961 profile image

    Dr Mark 

    6 years ago from The Atlantic Rain Forest, Brazil

    Depictions of any dogs deemed ferocious by the movie industry (unless owned by Southern White males and left chained in the front yard to guard illegal drug operation).

  • LisaKoski profile image


    6 years ago from WA

    I love how you mix facts with humor and opinion. I agree with what you say here. Some people seem to think it's the job of the government to monitor and eliminate what *they* deem inappropriate when it is their job (not the government or any other institution) to protect their own children instead of determining what *everyone* can and cannot watch.

    Somehow this hub seems related to my own hub I published last night on dystopian literature. Perhaps it's the allusion to Big Brother and 1984. Anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and look forward to your next hub.

  • Becky Katz profile image

    Becky Katz 

    6 years ago from Hereford, AZ

    You have done it again, turned the liberal, controlling fools into a joke hub. Good work.


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