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I'm Opening a New Business: "I" am Going to be a Designated Talker

Updated on February 3, 2015
This the goal of the designated talker
This the goal of the designated talker

It's time to step-up

I am the first to admit that I have a lot of respect for those unsung heroes, those noble, caring souls who volunteer to be the designated driver for a group of good friends who are going to party to celebrate New Years Eve.

Have we ever just stopped and thought of how giving this gesture is? I mean, in my drinking days, you could not pay me to be a designated driver for I loved booze and partying with my boozing friends too much than to stand back and watch others having a good time and me sipping water. That’s right. Water.

Another life saved
Another life saved

Saluting the Designated Driver

  • The terms "designated driver" and "designated driving" refers to the selection of a person who remains sober as the responsible driver of a vehicle whilst others have been allowed to drink alcoholic beverages. Originating in Syracuse, NY, the concept was established by Sally Kerwin (born March 20, 1954), who was the first known “designated driver” on record.
  • Thus as a practical and ethical matter a designated driver is a person who abstains from alcohol on a social occasion in order to drive his or her companions home safely as an alternative to driving under the influence. In order to encourage these arrangements, some bar, restaurant and nightclub proprietors will offer free or reduced-price non-alcoholic drinks to designated drivers
  • History
    The designated driver concept was developed in Scandinavia over several decades beginning in the 1920s, leading to a formalized designated driver program in the 1980s The program was introduced in Canada in 1986 by Hiram Walker and Sons as "The Canadian Club Designated Driver Program". The program was accepted readily and supported by the police, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, the hospitality industry and the public. There were few if any detractors. The program was heavily promoted by Hiram Walker's President Doug Young and the company's PR agency Marshall Fenn Limited led by David Butler. The concept swept Canada, the USA and many other countries during 1986.

Source: Wikipedia Free Encyclopedia

I love sobriety

But with age comes wisdom, the old adage says. I guess this is true for nowadays, I do not desire to get "three sheets in the wind," and have to be told what my name is the next day after a wild, blow-out with all the trimmings with my buddies.

I enjoy a quiet, hermit-style life with a moderate-amount of housework and some writing for HubPages. Guess which one I love the most? So there is actually no reason or no time for drinking. I still enjoy the feeling of waking without a jackhammer headache accompanied by a torn-up stomach.

To me, abusing booze is dangerous

To my knowledge, most of my friends have given-up by growing-up in the booze-guzzling area of their lives, and for this, I am very grateful. Funny as our lives progress, how our thinking changes.

Okay. Enough is quite-enough as our English friends, Prince William and Duchess Kate Middleton are prone to say. So now I will jump from talking about my association with alcohol to strangers in bars who are still "boozing it up" because some major beer and whiskey corporation sent some of their slick rep’s to infiltrate the gangs of serious drinkers who live in major cities and plant scary rumors such as: "After two weeks, the major beer and whiskey companies will not manufacture any more alcohol. Just thought you’d like a heads-up."

And these major-drinkers believed it. Went for it hook, line and sinker. Poor slobs. If they had only known that these major companies contribute billions to our country’s economy and why would they be so ignorant as to shut down?


I just want to help

I feel for these people who are still guzzling alcohol, not as much for the taste, but the rush it gives them. I was told by a fellow ex-boozer that a "rush drinker" will become an alcoholic quicker than a boozer who likes the taste of alcohol for the simple reason: a boozer who drinks just for the taste will soon quit drinking when they have drank enough. And the "rush drinker" will drink as long as they remain conscious.

Here’s where I would love to step-in and lend a hand to the bar owners who actually (right now) do not know how much they need my services. I should stop right now and see if you can guess what services I am offering. And to think you are just foaming at the mouth ready to say: "Oh, yeah. Another comedy hub," well, friends. It is not.

I want to start my own business where I am going to be a "Designated Talker." That is true. A "Designated Talker." My first question is why not be a "designated talker?" To my knowledge, it is not illegal. And if I can secure a license for my new business, then the government cannot touch me.

You want to know how this works? Good. For I will be glad to explain it to you in-full.

A great reminder
A great reminder
Chauffers to drive problem drinkers to their homes safely would be a good idea
Chauffers to drive problem drinkers to their homes safely would be a good idea
Designated driver at a New Year's Eve party, 2011
Designated driver at a New Year's Eve party, 2011
This is a funny photo, but if dogs could drive, I would hire them to help save lives carrying boozers home
This is a funny photo, but if dogs could drive, I would hire them to help save lives carrying boozers home
Keys or drinks? Leave both on the bar
Keys or drinks? Leave both on the bar
An early method of getting  a friend who has drank too much to his cabin safely
An early method of getting a friend who has drank too much to his cabin safely

My business is sensible

My "Designated Talker" business, at first, only employees myself. I am not financially-sound as to hire an entire team of designated talkers. That will come later.

I will work out a contract between myself and the bar owners where I plan on working and that way, if the bar owner wants me to work on a nightly-basis or weekly-basis for a set-fee, I can get a lawyer friend of mine in my hometown to knock-out the contract lickety-split so I can start this one-of-a-kind service company.

My company works on the principle that people who abuse alcohol and while in a bar, goes a bit too far, loves to talk. Think about it. I have been in and near a lot of parties and I can speak from experience on how I loved to talk to anyone, friends or strangers, male or female. I wasn’t choosy. It was definitely the booze talking through my lips that were growing numb from downing one drink after the other.

But when the drinks started slamming me like a battering ram, my tongue would swell and my words would sound like an LP record (remember those?) with a big scratch. Not easily understood and repetitious.

About then, my friends who were drinking with me, but knew when to quit, got me into their car and took me home and laughed at me the next day. But I was alive.

Sometimes the people I was drinking with who had led me on that they were my buddies, had just lied to get me to spend my dollars on drinks for them, and they would leave me passed-out on our table and hope that I would get home safely.

So now as I am slamming this out on my laptop, the more sense it makes to me to start a business such as this. Bar owners will not, unless they choose to, pay some taxi service to take drunk people home. Although this too is a fine service, I can compete with them for a lower rate.

And charge the bar owner for talking? You ask. Sure. Why not. I will tell the alcohol-abuser’s friends if they want to go and eat somewhere, I will stay with and talk to their friend who is really "tying one on." Or they can stay while I talk the boozer down to a level of drowsiness. The choice is theirs.

I have found out the sure-fire way to talk to someone who is hurting themselves drink by drink. I mostly listen to them do the talking and if they were depressed before they started drinking, then all I may have to do is sit and listen, be sympathetic, and not be combinative with the boozer.

How much do "I" want to help alcohol-abusers?

I would hope that I am not looked upon as one who is taking advantage of the bar owners, but actually helping the boozer to get home in one piece.

But what will you do if there are more alcohol-abusers than one in the bar? I will talk as much as I can to one drinker at a time and convince them that bowl of pretzels sitting in front of them will make their drinking experience more enjoyable.

If my listening and moderate-talking to the boozer is not working that well, I will call up the "big guns,": Ask the boozer to talk about how he loves his wife and kids, and I will get mileage from that topic. Deep down inside, most alcohol-abusers love their families with a passion. They use some believable excuse for getting drunk like the old line about "my wife doesn’t understand me." So I will do my best to convince them that their wives do love them so much that they want to see them get home alive.

Probably the best part of my services is that if the boozer is drinking alone, by talking to him, or her, just my presence there just might be a deterrent for them to make advances toward another woman or man and wake-up somewhere on their way to a nasty divorce.

That in itself would be worth all of my talking and listening to the problem drinker don’t you think?

Your turn to speak . . .

Do YOU think that I have a good idea?

See results
This girl has got the right idea
This girl has got the right idea


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    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, vkwok,

      Thank you first, for the wise decision to NOT drink and thank you for your comment, my good friend.

      God bless you.

    • vkwok profile image

      Victor W. Kwok 

      3 years ago from Hawaii

      I never drink, and I don't plan to. Double thumbs up for this hub! To sobriety!

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Catherine,

      I agree with you on your comment.

      I do not drink either. I had my time in the subs, wine, and all types of booze and I am the no better off.

      Sobriety is so much wiser and fun.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      Thanks for both the comment and the advice. You are right. I should have came out of the gate with Designated Talker. I will do better next time.

      Come back anytime.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Thank you, Ghaelach,

      For the intelligent comment with points I need to consider. And you are right. I deal from a humorous standpoint but with a hidden Good service or idea.

      That way people can laugh and have something to think about.

      Thanks again for the visit and come back soon.

    • profile image


      3 years ago

      Morning Kenneth.

      Having read a great many of your stories Kenneth, I tend to get the impression that this is a fun hub with possibilities. Meaning the idea is good. You could with the OK from the Pub/Bar managers, talk to the customers and drive them home, naturally all done on a professional basis. Therefore having a new business as a Designated Talker/Driver. You can talk to a person who is on their own and when they are full drive them home. Or offer your service by telephone where you meet the customer in a bar or restaurant and then drive them home, all done in a professional and business manner.

      Mind you it might be seen as picking someone up in a pub/bar with other intensions in mind.

      But for a none drinker with ideas on starting up on his own there are possibilities.


    • CatherineGiordano profile image

      Catherine Giordano 

      3 years ago from Orlando Florida

      I miss living in NYC where you never needed a designated driver because one never drove anyplace. It was walk or the bus/train/ or a taxi. Actually what I actually miss is the drinking. I never had a hangover in my life until I got to be 50. The drinking just wasn't worth it so I stopped drinking.

    • Rodric29 profile image

      Rodric Anthony Johnson 

      3 years ago from Peoria, Arizona

      I did not know what you were talking bout until close to the end because I don't drink. It would have been better if you would have defined designated talker in the very beginning so that any person reading this could understand it

      I think it is a decent idea to have someone who would talk to someone who is alone in the bar, but not with a group. It would be rude for the group to ditch a drinker with a paid service just to b free of him; but what do I know? I don't drink.


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