Ingenious Ways to Make That Long Line You're In Move Faster

Unless you are so wealthy that you have your butler or meal planner go stand in the long lines at a grocery store to get your groceries, you are among the throngs who are pushed to their limits by "The Silent Equalizer," which is the long, boring, and slow lines of customers.

It's a sight to behold. The wealthy, powerful, famous and obscure all on the same level at one time and in one place all hoping to pay for their purchases and get home.

I tell you upfront, I despise the long lines no matter the store. The burden of long lines is like a gigantic well-designed gambling game of complex-odds. Sometimes it's the customers who are to blame and sometimes it's the cashier. So if you are into gambling, take bets from your friends on how long you will have to be imprisoned with other customers who dislike having to walk at a "snail's pace," just like you.

I know some sharp ways to get rid of that "snail's pace," if you will show some patience and listen. Well, read. And I think you will be fine when you use some or all of these

Ingenious Ways to Make That Long Line You're In Move Faster

• Start yelling, "Snake! A huge black snake just went by me!" Then point to the floor.
• Say this so people can hear you, "Man, I wish now that I had not eaten tacos with cabbage at lunch." (Everyone knows that tacos mixed with cabbage creates huge amounts of gas in the human digestive system).
• This is a great line to motivate the long line to move along: "Anyone hear about that super-sickening virus going around? My doctor said just an hour ago that I had it and it is highly-contagious."
• Or this line, "I didn't know that fire ants were found in this store."
• Learn a few love songs from New Zealand and sing them while in line.
• Learn a folk dance from Portugal and dance it over and over while in line.
• Strike-up a conversation with the person in front of you, but you speak only in Chinese.
• Tell the person in front of you and behind you that you have a role in your community theater's next drama and would they watch you rehearse your lines.
• Say this: "I am so tired of working overtime," then yawn and lean against the customer in front of you.
• Kneel behind your grocery cart and act as if you are taking a nap. This will irritate the people behind you and they will start chanting, "Move this line! Move this line!" Line a picket line of employees on strike.
• Have your pals bring you a carry-out dinner and eat it in line.
• Ask the people in line with you, "Do you want to see my impression of a Sumo wrestler?"
• Get the Sumo wrestler in front of you to ask the other people in line, "You people want to be my impression of this man?" Talking about you.
• Say this line, "Oh, man. I wish I had not eaten those collard greens and sweet potatoes for dinner." (See the note at the end of the statement about 'wish you had not eaten tacos and cabbage.').
• Fill your mouth with bubble gum and start blowing huge bubbles. The sound of your mouth working on the gum, plus sucking in the bursted bubbles will grind on other customers' nerves so they will want to hurry and get home.
• If you do not care to be questioned by the police, say this to the nearest female customer in line, "I was released from prison this afternoon and it has been six years since I was with a woman, so . . .what . . .do . ..you . ..say?" And flick your eyebrows up and down.

And finally . . .

• Say this: "I am going to give everyone a free exhibition of my tattoo's that I drew on my body all by myself."

Please let me know if these work for you or not.