Response From a Single Mom: Judge This.
Do not judge an entire group of people based on stereotypes, and other common sense advice...
I am, by choice, a single mother. Now, mocking us is easy, there we are, obvious for the world to see. But before you hold it against us, as though we are immoral, why don't you realize something about yourselves: You judge us all the same, without knowing a single fact about our very unique situations.
That’s called ignorant bigotry. It should be outlawed.
These Hubs are not supposed to be too personal, but this is a very personal subject. It is the personal business of each and every single mother, or father, out there.
I am a single mother, and I am PROUD. I had no say in whether or not I became what I am today. The choice was taken from me by faulty contraception, and my ex's disloyalties. I did not force my birth control to fail, or him to cheat, nor did I force him to stop visiting his child. The only say I had in this matter was to keep the child. It is a personal choice I made, and I stand by it to this day. If you would like to judge me for that, feel free.
His child has not ever known his father. He left when he was one month old, after I caught him "seeing" my previous "best friend".
Should I have married this man? Should I have forced such a bad example of fatherhood on a growing boy? I do not think so. If you have an ounce of sense, you will agree. If you do not agree, I really feel concerned about what your idea of a good, stable family should be, and doubt you ever had one.
My idea of a stable family is as follows:
People who are supportive, understanding, teach you good values, keep you safe, and make you feel welcome and loved. A "family" Is not defined by any number. It is defined by quality.
I never had this growing up. This is not said to gather pity, I do not need feel-good comments on it. It is a simple fact. My point is, I can, will, have and do provide this environment for my child, and would not have been able to if his "father" had remained in the picture. Simple as that. I was surprised by my boy...he was not planned for. I was in college, planning my own future. Yet he is an amazing gift, and I would not trade him for the world.
In all reality, birth control is not infallible...it says so in bold letters right on the package. But here he was, this gorgeous, healthy baby boy. I accepted and loved him, and loved his father with everything I had. Then he cheated, and left. Should I have given my son to social services? Would a foster parent have done a better job? Should I have held a gun to the father's head, made him stay? No.
I spent my little bit of money and energy on with clothing, diapering, educating, entertaining, and feeding this small life, not on marriage, not on dating, and certainly not on making good appearances for a bunch of bigoted old men ranting in public about how single mothers are somehow incompetent. As though a crappy, fake relationship is better for a child.
And a good thing that turned out to be...as a divorce would definitely have spent more of the money I didn't have. I did not choose a poor father for my child; I was a young girl with bad common sense. But I have taken the tools life gave me, and made a far better life for him than I had, with two parents. He is a happy, well adjusted, intelligent straight A student, with many friends, who cares about other people, and never has to know the pain of seeing vicious fights between his unhappy parents every night, so that people can say he has a "complete" family.
The father who he would have had would have been a negative impact on his life. He was a selfish, immature, unintelligent poor choice on my part, and I do not feel in any way that my decision to sleep with this man should have to be forced upon this child his entire life. I decided to be with him, when he was acting like someone he was not: A good man. It's really easy to say "never sleep with people if you aren't prepared to have children with them"...but it's a bit harder in practice.
In my experience, sometimes a single mother is all a child needs, if his mother loves him more than life itself. He has not suffered, he has not wanted, or needed for love, not one day in his life.
So hear me now, judges of all:
Take a look at your own family before you judge us single moms. Can you honestly say you give your family the happiness and stability you so carelessly flaunt as the thing us single mothers cannot provide? Do your children run through the door and grin at you, excited and happy about their day? Do they hug you every single night, and want to spend time with you?
Because, to me, that is the sign of a job well done as a parent...and I didn't need a partner to accomplish it. If you still wish to judge us single mothers as poor parents, then the best of luck to you. I do not want or need your approval. You are no family of mine.
I love you, Son.