ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Just When is Drunk Really Drunk?

Updated on August 19, 2014

Vintage ad for Black Label Beer

This is not a story about alcoholism. I’ve already done that with a piece entitled, “Places You Never Take a Drink or Show-up Drunk,” and in that hub, I did speak a bit about the dangers of alcohol-addiction.

Then after that story was published, I had this uneasy feeling in my gut as I guessed it to be a sign that I was not finished with the subject of drinking.

Drinking has two personalities. Actually, three. You already know the dark side of drinking: Helpless addiction. But did you ever stop to consider that “tipsy,” and “dog-drunk,” are also the other two personalities of drinking? If you didn’t, then you now realize just how subtle alcohol can be.

Passed out on a beach: Drunk or Really Drunk?

Passed out or napping?

Alcohol is not just a distilled or brewed substance or liquid. Alcohol is a live, breathing, organism that expects respect from us that have “played with its fire,” and were burned. Alcohol plays the fool many times when we put it down our throats. I know. There were times when I was guzzling one brew after the other, partying like there was no sunrise and after the party was over, I was as sober as I am now. Thus, alcohol suffers sometimes from a personality disorder. In my case, alcohol didn’t know it could have made me intoxicated and unable to walk, talk, or speak.

With these newly-discovered facts, I must propose that there are degrees of drinking and degrees of drunkedness. It stands to reason because there was another time when four, 12-ounce beers got me so ripped that I just looked for a good safe place to sleep.

Vintage ad for Corby's liquor

Celebrities known for excessive drinking in film and on television


iDo not argue the “alcohol’s affects are due to what condition our metabolism is in,” argument. I have heard this debate from other drinkers “back in the day.”

So with some diligent-research and digging, I have compiled a highly-important list, and it’s just in time for the holidays . . .

“Ways to Know When Drunk is Really Drunk?”

You are really drunk

  • when you answer to the name, “Barbara,” when you are obviously a male.
  • when you try to hit on the lamp in the corner of the living room.
  • when you do your best to ride the party host’s St. Bernard and trying to stay on him eight seconds.
  • when you buy the clothes from a “Dr. Taylor,” who was invited to this wild party.
  • when you try to get a good ol’ boy who is also at the party, shoot a banana off of your head.
  • when you climb to the roof of your host’s double-wide and yell, “Up! Up! And Away! I am Superman!” And try to fly.
  • when you try to eat the artificial fruit out of the center-piece on the dining room table.
  • when you have forgotten how many shots you have had in the half-hour you have been at this party.
  • when your friends at this, or any party, nick-name you, “Scott, the Slosh.”
  • when two fifth’s of whiskey are standard equipment when you go out of town on a business trip.
  • when you return from that same business trip and do not remember landing a big account.
  • when your very breath could melt a plastic figurine your wife has sitting on the mantel above the fireplace.
  • when you do not need starter-fluid to start a fire in the fireplace, you simply breathe on the wood.
  • when driving and drinking doesn’t interest you, but jumping atop a moving freight train does.
  • when the host’s kids hope you will pass-out soon so they can build a bridge over your back with Lego’s.
  • when a party guest steps outside to get some air and spies a poisonous snake and you try to dance with it.
  • when “you” are advising people to not drive and drink.
  • when you finally look into the mirror and break-down crying thinking you have met your long, lost brother.
  • When you choose boozing over an award-winning hub like this one.

Coming in the near future . . .”Great Things People Say When They Are Late”

Gag or really drunk?


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Elsie,

      How true you are in the taking one drink of wine with your meal or tea. It boils down to how much a person consumes and then what they do with it.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

      I wish for you a peaceful and safe week.

    • Elsie Hagley profile image

      Elsie Hagley 

      4 years ago from New Zealand

      Great hub. Plenty of food for thought here.

      My husband and I are not drinkers but we always have a glass of red wine with our tea every night.

      We are both in our seventies and running a large beef farm on our own 161 hectares and both very healthy.

      So having a drink every day is not all bad, most just need to control how much they drink.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, sheilamyers,

      You are a wise girl. Only once. Wow. If I had a dollar for each time my room spinned, I wouldn't be here typing. I would take you and my followers on a two-month cruise.

      I admire you, Sheila.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      That should have taught me not to overdo booze, but being a hard-headed guy, I thought I could handle it. I couldn't. I even found out that life is much more interesting sober.

      I love the part of your comment that said your husband would wake up and wonder how he burned his palm.

      Sounds so familiar.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Sweet Lisa,

      Thanks so much for the hilarious comment--and the tip at the bottom, which is a fantastic tip. If you get drunk often and wake up with your pants off . . .odds are you are broke and hung-over.

      I loved it.

      Visit with me often.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear kislanyk,

      You are a good girl. It's best for me, to just sit on the sidelines and watch others make the same errors you did. And help those who will listen.

      Thanks, dear friend, for your sweet comment. Come back often.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Dear Abby,

      I am proud of you too! I have see what alcohol can do for ME and it wasn't pretty. I guess if I had of used moderation, things might have been different.

      But I didn't.

      Lesson WELL-learned.

      Hey, Abby. I appreciate you so much. You are a great friend.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      The Grand Old Lady (Who is still NOT old)

      I admire you for confessing, or sharing, about your low-tolerance to booze. That took nerve. And I respect that a lot.

      Thanks for your comment. I appreciate you very much.

    • kenneth avery profile imageAUTHOR

      Kenneth Avery 

      4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      Great! You should be an inspiration to all who are thinking about drinking to get drunk.

      Stay sober and grow wiser is my motto.

      Drop by again. Anytime you like.

    • vkwok profile image

      Victor W. Kwok 

      4 years ago from Hawaii

      I've never drank alcohol, unless you count prescription cold medicine, and I have no intention of drinking in the future, however, your article really lit my mind.

    • grand old lady profile image

      Mona Sabalones Gonzalez 

      4 years ago from Philippines

      Well Kenneth Avery, I knew this was going to be funny. But I learned something, too. You see, I easily get drunk, there is no in-between. On half a beer. So, I don't drink, so it was interesting to learn that there are degrees where drinking turns to being drunk. Just saying.

    • Abby Campbell profile image

      Dr Abby Campbell 

      4 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

      Boy! I'm so glad I gave up drinking long time ago, or my name could have been listed many times on that long list of yours, Ken. :-) I so enjoy your writing. You make me laugh, and I look forward to reading more... especially when I need a break or am down in the dumps. Have a wonderful day, my wonderful new friend.

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      You got that right! Every one of these are signs you're really drunk. Whew! Nothing I ever did while drinking was on your list. The worst I've ever been (and only once because it taught me the lesson) was when everything was cool until every time I closed my eyes to try to sleep the room would spin. Eyes open = good. Eyes closed = the earth rotating at the speed of light.

    • MizBejabbers profile image

      Doris James-MizBejabbers 

      4 years ago from Beautiful South

      I've been around too many drunks to want to be a drinker. A couple of margaritas a year are my limit.

      You know you've drunk too much when, like my ex-husband, you show a group of teenage boys you can put out a cigarette in your palm, and then the next morning wonder how you burned your hand.

      Good one, Ken!

    • LisaRoppolo profile image

      Lisa Roppolo 

      4 years ago from Joliet, IL

      I'm more of a social drinker. I hate drinking for the sake of getting drunk. I'm 40 now and I know people who still cannot control their drinking and then complain the next day about how hung over they are. Also wanted to add, you might have a drinking problem if you get drunk and repeatedly wake up with no pants on. lol

    • kislanyk profile image


      4 years ago from Cyprus

      I am not a drinker - at most a glass of red wine during weekend with my lunch. I definitely see a change in myself when I drink even a full glass - I'm tipsy, more talkative, my personality is changing. And I don't like it. So I keep my drinking to minimum. Sadly so many others can't.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)