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Theism From a Victim's Perspective

Updated on April 16, 2020
Kyler J Falk profile image

Every day is a near-insurmountable obstacle to my mental health.


Content Warning

This article is going to be about a religious man, my grandfather, and how he tried to groom me over the course of about a month (that I'm consciously aware of). The content in this article is going to be triggering, as it will contain sexual references, adult language, and anti-religious sentiments. I believe in everyone's right to express themselves, you deserve to believe whatever ignorant nonsense you want, but I also have the right to know and say that religion is widely ignorant. For the very few who still follow me, you have been warned thoroughly and completely.

Concise Retelling

For those of you who can't be bothered to read, yet spend your entire day browsing the internet, this section is for you.

My grandfather and I, when I was underage, were left together while my grandma went away for a few days to see her family. My grandfather had been trying to groom me by buying marijuana, purchasing pornography, and encouraging my nudism while my grandmother was away. One night we decided to hang out together, and when I was nearly ready for bed he began to tell stories about his homosexual escapades when he was young.

The stories of his homosexual escapades turned to him trying to explain how the bible isn't against men giving other men fellatio. His exact words were, "You know, the bible says to lay with a man as you lay with a woman is wrong. But it doesn't say anything about sucking d&^%."

I was extremely uncomfortable and just kept saying, "Yup...." and because he was family and someone I thought I could trust it didn't dawn upon me I needed to get out of the situation immediately.

He got to the point he said, "What is stopping me from coming over there, throwing that table out of the way, and sucking your d&^%?"

At that point I said, "Well, I'm underage and tired so I'm going to bed."

Later that night I would wake up to him kneeling beside my bed for who knows what disgusting reason, and he would then apologize and leave. I wouldn't sleep for the rest of the night.

Later on he would pin all the happenings on me, and no one would believe my claims.


The Full Story

One night while my grandfather was wasted he decided to confide in me that he and my grandmother were unhappy in their marriage. This was not surprising to me, I just assume most traditional, religious, old folks are mostly unhappy with their marriages when they think about the "What ifs" and I didn't think much of it. Don't take my personal thoughts on marriages personally, I just think statistically it is accurate to claim most marriages are unhappy even if they last.

As he confided in me he told me why it was he was unhappy, and he thought it was because he was actually gay. He told me stories of loving to look at other dudes in their tighty-whiteys in the locker room, how the church men retreats were basically just big, gay, secret orgies for many of the churchgoers I knew, and that he was suffering having to keep it all a secret. He then asked for my advice.

I was honest with him and said that, "If grammy loves you, then I would think that she would understand the pain you feel. In time, she may even come to accept it as normal. It isn't like this isn't a totally common thing with old and young men alike."

Apparently this was terrible advice because he followed it, and my grandma ended up leaving to go stay with her sister for some time.

Make Sure You Know

Homosexuality is very common and most religions look down upon it. Religion is stupid, and adhering to dogma is stupider.

Prior to my grandmother leaving, my grandfather had purchased a figurative ton of marijuana products and we had been drinking and smoking together, shooting the breeze, and I did not know he was grooming me. Due to my abusive childhood of neglect and isolation, I was not able to discern that these conversations we were having were not normal. So now it makes sense to me that things turned out as they did.

The first evening of my grandmother's departure my grandfather began asking why it was I slept in the nude. I explained it is because I have been a nudist since I was about seven, and I came to hate clothing because it was so restricting. It was weird, but didn't set off the alarms in my head, when he brought up that if I wanted to walk around in the nude then that would be fine while my grandmother isn't around. I declined because I'm a private nudist, not a public "look at me" weirdo naturist.

Later that day he came to my room and asked me what sort of pornography I watch, told me to show him, and so I did. He was disappointed that there was no story, and so he offered to buy a porno on his dollar on the big TV downstairs. He said grammy wouldn't find out because he was the one who pays the bills, so I had nothing to worry about, and once again I innocently said okay even though it felt weird. We watched it together, and there was no real story like back in the good ole days, so once again he was disappointed.

Day 2

The second day of my grandmother's departure was a normal one. We spent most of the day watching Fox News, smoking, and eating as we usually did. When the sun went down, however, my grandfather told me I could drink my grandmother's wine. This wasn't good wine, it was that boxed Franzia Chardonnay, and I was not an experienced drinker so I didn't know that stuff would fry my circuits. He watched me drink cup after cup, about four of them, and I can't remember anything else but grabbing two more after he had gone to bed.

I was up most of the night making incoherent posts on Facebook, and when I wasn't doing that I was said to have been "Screaming penis and vagina, speaking in tongues, and rolling about violently on the bed and floor for hours."

Turns out I had drank more than half the box of wine and was suffering mild alcohol poisoning. My grandfather decided to wake me up early the next day to clean the puke that was all over the floor with a shop-vac. That really killed me as I was still drunk, hung over, and miserably ill. I got over it about four hours into the day, however, and was fine. Day 3 was spent recovering, watching more Fox News and smoking.

Drink Responsibly (Semi-Satirical)

Don't be like my grandfather and let your young children drink. Don't ingest so much alcohol you lose your mind.

Day 4

My timeline may be a little fuzzy, as this all happened a very long time ago, but on day 4 was when things went really wonky. My grandfather spent most of the day getting hammered drunk, all the while we did more Fox News watching and further smoking. All day long he was talking about weird stuff, homo-erotic stories and how he once was going to kill himself until he "felt God's warmth" when he pressed the barrel of a gun against his own head. I could go on all day with his stupid stories used to manipulate others.

Fast forwarding, however, it is night time and he can barely put together a sentence without slurring. He starts preaching to me about how the bible is against man laying with man, and woman/woman relationships are not mentioned. What got him most excited was discussing how men could perform fellatio on other men and it wouldn't be against the bible. At one point he even had the bible out trying to read verses to support such claims, and the fact is there were no verses for or against what he was saying so by religious standards what he was saying made absolute sense.

The conversation ended after I told him I was underage and going to bed, because he asked me, "What is stopping me from coming over there, throwing that table out of the way, and sucking your d&^%?"

Exclusion of Information

The lack of valid information within most religious texts makes "interpretation" an extremely powerful tool of manipulation. Thus, religion is ignorant and evil.

Night of Day 4

After I had gone to bed, my grandfather decided to stay up drinking more. Before I fell asleep I could hear can after can of beer being crushed. He had already been so smashed before I went to bed that I was worried for his safety, but he was an alcoholic so I didn't worry too much and drifted off to sleep relatively quick. I woke up later in the night, to the sound of his breathing over me as he knelt beside my bed. There wouldn't be much to think about this weird situation, it wouldn't have been so traumatic, had he not previously told me the story of his first fellatio from another man being while he had been asleep.

Previously he had told me about how he worked on a fishing boat with a gay man who took a liking to him, and one night he woke up to the man performing fellatio on him. He said he didn't stop the man because he didn't mind it, it felt good, and so he climaxed and the two never spoke about it nor ever brought it up. I didn't realize hearing that story was going to traumatize me so much.

Upon waking up to him breathing over me, however, I asked him what he was doing and all he said was, "Praying, sorry, I'll go."

I would stay up the rest of the night without sleep, scared that I was going to be violated if I went to sleep. He only tried to come back in later once, and once again I asked him what he was doing and he went away


In Conclusion

So my grandmother came back, I decided after this incident I needed to leave and decided to go back to living with my abusive mother and stepfather to escape my grandfather, and I was going to keep the whole mess quiet for my grandfather's sake. I assume he thought I was going to tell everyone, I wasn't, and so he threw me under the bus for all his doings. Claimed I manipulated him, stole alcohol, smuggled marijuana into the house, and ordered porn with their credit card without their knowledge.

The strange thing was that he went out of his own way to show my grandmother the bill with his porn purchase, despite the fact she had never touched the bills once in their marriage previously. This was the only part of the story that made the rest of my family raise an eyebrow for a second. Yet, they still decided to side with this sick f&^%; they sided with this man that was revered by the community as a hero and beacon of religious hope.

Strict adherence to the religious writings of man, and the subsequent teachings of shyster con-artists, this is why I cannot seek justice for what happened to me. This is why I'm not considered the victim by those who could've helped me at the time. Religion justifies evil more than it looks down upon it, especially when it comes to redemption.

There are those who never deserve redemption, because this ignorant idea of redemption only serves to mask the ongoing evil, not to cure it.

Where was your God when I needed Him?


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    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      13 months ago from California

      There is no need to bring it up of my own volition, but if he asks why he has no grandparents and other family members I will explain they are abusive and answer any question he has to the best of my ability and honesty. We are also working on (failing) building a family from friends so that he never has to feel as if he is missing out, and hopefully we never have to revisit these stories with him.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 

      13 months ago from Central Florida

      Kyler, my heart aches for you. I know you'll give your son a good life and show him lots of love and respect.

      Do you think you'll ever tell Lucien about any of this?

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      13 months ago from California

      A great and necessary question Shauna, because speaking up in my family often meant getting hit in the face with fists or foreign objects. Every time I stood up for myself it was met with further abuses. I was forced to learn to remain silent, to the benefit of my abusers and my ongoing detriment, and time erased any and all evidence as to my own victimization aside from the stories I have to tell about it.

      I told my grandparents and church members about my parents, they didn't believe me and told me to stop lying and that physical abuse is an okay punishment sometimes. I told my parents about my grandparents, and they didn't believe me and said I try to turn everyone against each other. I told the police about my mother and the police said my father and I were just out to get my mother and refused to take a report. I told my school my parents would beat me and have beaten me, and all they offered was to have the cop walk me to my parents' car every day (I have a story about him abusing his power against children for his own career gain, with witness testimony from parents and students alike so I'm not just being anti-authority).

      My life is full of bad luck stories, I'm a big collection cautionary tales.

    • bravewarrior profile image

      Shauna L Bowling 

      13 months ago from Central Florida

      Kyler, what you went through is unimaginable to me. I was raised by loving parents. Grandparents, aunts and uncles were loving, kind and fun. None are/were twisted, abusive, or incestuous.

      I cannot wrap my brain around how family would do to anyone, let alone family, what was done to you. Drinking and smoking weed with an underage child is a major no-no. Having sexual conversations, watching porn, and encouraging debauchery with a young child and especially a relative is more than wrong. And this man got away with it all his life.

      Why wouldn't you speak up? Surely you didn't think this was normal, loving behavior!

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      13 months ago from California

      I can't be sure what my family knows about each other for certain, their modus operandi has always been to sweep everything under the rug. If you've kept up with some of my other articles like "Malignant Narcissists and Their Equally Malignant VIctims" and "Losing My Father to Himself" along with a few others, you'll see my entire family is abusive in their own special ways.

      I've confronted them over and over, even begged for the reasons why they did the things they did to me, and it always ends the same. I've given up on them, and now only wish to see them brought to justice.

    • RoadMonkey profile image


      13 months ago

      Any abuser is going to use anything they can (that appears to have authority) to justify their evil. They know that what they are doing is wrong and the adult in the situation is always going to be the abuser. They should know more than the younger person and should always get more blame. I assume the other adults in your life wanted a quiet time and not to get involved in what would have been a big case in your town if your grandfather was well known and "respected". This does not justify what they did. They were just as evil as your grandfather and should have protected you. I am going to make a big assume here. Did they know what your grandfather was like? they should NOT have left you alone with him at any time. Young people may theoretically know about grooming but they usually don't have the practical experience to understand when it is happening. The only thing in your grandfather's favor is that he is did not force you but he certainly manipulated and showed you stuff you had no need to know or understand, never mind getting a child drunk and providing drugs!

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      13 months ago from California

      Pedophiles and the God's of others deserve no forgiveness from me, and thus they shall not receive it. I appreciate your sentiments, however, and I'm happy to hear you have found comfort in your choice of God. I feel that once God becomes something you must preach, it is no longer God but your own greed. Whereas teaching things such as kindness, mindfulness, etc. should take the place of God, and the definition of God left to individuals in their private moments.

    • Linda Courtney profile image

      Linda Courtney 

      13 months ago from Bloomsburg, PA

      Thanks for sharing Kyler. I don't consider myself religious, but I am a Christian. I've come in contact with many other "Christians" who really twist the word of God to their own means. It has only been through my own research and reading that I've found pastors that I trust with the Word. I'm sorry for what happened to you. I know experiences like this can really turn you away from God. I have an ex-husband who had me join his church. This church was really restrictive to women and what they could do or not, whereas men were the rulers overall. When I left him I got totally away from God.

      In time though God showed me the truth and I am thankful. I'm sending healing prayers your way in the hopes you'll forgive and move on with your life. Hopefully writing your story here helped.

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      13 months ago from California

      Thank you, Holley, and when it comes to interpretation I just can't bring myself to support it when it also means preaching and pushing it upon others. Personal interpretation is perfect and fine, but once it passes that stage into preaching it then becomes a tool of manipulation. I don't know, religion is a deeply triggering subject for me and if I respond too verbosely I'll get upset. I support everyone's right to believe what they wish, but pushing it on others as absolute truth is never going to be something I accept (especially if they kneecap the "absolute" part just to sway you into believing in their version of God). The only absolutes to try to live by are mindfulness and kindness.

    • Holley Hyler profile image

      Holley Morgan 

      13 months ago from Upstate New York

      Completely agree with John. Sharing your story is brave and I admire you for being able to do so, although I am sorry for the abuse you went through. I have experienced people switching Bible verses around to suit their own malicious purposes. It can be open to interpretation but should never be used to justify harming another.

    • Kyler J Falk profile imageAUTHOR

      Kyler J Falk 

      13 months ago from California

      Thank you, John, there is quite a lot in my life that I'm forced to relive in my mind. In reliving it publicly it is catharsis for me. I could afford to be more sensitive to others, I'll admit, but if I were to do so I would not be being sensitive to myself and for that I apologize.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 

      13 months ago from Queensland Australia

      Wow Kyler! So many people have used religion to validate their crimes and used what it says or doesn’t say to support their vices. No, one should have had to suffer the abuse that you did and many would not have survived it or come out the other side retaining any form of sanity. I commend your bravery in sharing your experience.


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