Theism From a Victim's Perspective

This article is going to be about a religious man, my grandfather, and how he tried to groom me over the course of about a month (that I'm consciously aware of). The content in this article is going to be triggering, as it will contain sexual references, adult language, and anti-religious sentiments. I believe in everyone's right to express themselves, you deserve to believe whatever ignorant nonsense you want, but I also have the right to know and say that religion is widely ignorant. For the very few who still follow me, you have been warned thoroughly and completely.

For those of you who can't be bothered to read, yet spend your entire day browsing the internet, this section is for you.

My grandfather and I, when I was underage, were left together while my grandma went away for a few days to see her family. My grandfather had been trying to groom me by buying marijuana, purchasing pornography, and encouraging my nudism while my grandmother was away. One night we decided to hang out together, and when I was nearly ready for bed he began to tell stories about his homosexual escapades when he was young.

The stories of his homosexual escapades turned to him trying to explain how the bible isn't against men giving other men fellatio. His exact words were, "You know, the bible says to lay with a man as you lay with a woman is wrong. But it doesn't say anything about sucking d&^%."

I was extremely uncomfortable and just kept saying, "Yup...." and because he was family and someone I thought I could trust it didn't dawn upon me I needed to get out of the situation immediately.

He got to the point he said, "What is stopping me from coming over there, throwing that table out of the way, and sucking your d&^%?"

At that point I said, "Well, I'm underage and tired so I'm going to bed."

Later that night I would wake up to him kneeling beside my bed for who knows what disgusting reason, and he would then apologize and leave. I wouldn't sleep for the rest of the night.

Later on he would pin all the happenings on me, and no one would believe my claims.

One night while my grandfather was wasted he decided to confide in me that he and my grandmother were unhappy in their marriage. This was not surprising to me, I just assume most traditional, religious, old folks are mostly unhappy with their marriages when they think about the "What ifs" and I didn't think much of it. Don't take my personal thoughts on marriages personally, I just think statistically it is accurate to claim most marriages are unhappy even if they last.

As he confided in me he told me why it was he was unhappy, and he thought it was because he was actually gay. He told me stories of loving to look at other dudes in their tighty-whiteys in the locker room, how the church men retreats were basically just big, gay, secret orgies for many of the churchgoers I knew, and that he was suffering having to keep it all a secret. He then asked for my advice.

I was honest with him and said that, "If grammy loves you, then I would think that she would understand the pain you feel. In time, she may even come to accept it as normal. It isn't like this isn't a totally common thing with old and young men alike."

Apparently this was terrible advice because he followed it, and my grandma ended up leaving to go stay with her sister for some time.

Prior to my grandmother leaving, my grandfather had purchased a figurative ton of marijuana products and we had been drinking and smoking together, shooting the breeze, and I did not know he was grooming me. Due to my abusive childhood of neglect and isolation, I was not able to discern that these conversations we were having were not normal. So now it makes sense to me that things turned out as they did.

The first evening of my grandmother's departure my grandfather began asking why it was I slept in the nude. I explained it is because I have been a nudist since I was about seven, and I came to hate clothing because it was so restricting. It was weird, but didn't set off the alarms in my head, when he brought up that if I wanted to walk around in the nude then that would be fine while my grandmother isn't around. I declined because I'm a private nudist, not a public "look at me" weirdo naturist.

Later that day he came to my room and asked me what sort of pornography I watch, told me to show him, and so I did. He was disappointed that there was no story, and so he offered to buy a porno on his dollar on the big TV downstairs. He said grammy wouldn't find out because he was the one who pays the bills, so I had nothing to worry about, and once again I innocently said okay even though it felt weird. We watched it together, and there was no real story like back in the good ole days, so once again he was disappointed.

The second day of my grandmother's departure was a normal one. We spent most of the day watching Fox News, smoking, and eating as we usually did. When the sun went down, however, my grandfather told me I could drink my grandmother's wine. This wasn't good wine, it was that boxed Franzia Chardonnay, and I was not an experienced drinker so I didn't know that stuff would fry my circuits. He watched me drink cup after cup, about four of them, and I can't remember anything else but grabbing two more after he had gone to bed.

I was up most of the night making incoherent posts on Facebook, and when I wasn't doing that I was said to have been "Screaming penis and vagina, speaking in tongues, and rolling about violently on the bed and floor for hours."

Turns out I had drank more than half the box of wine and was suffering mild alcohol poisoning. My grandfather decided to wake me up early the next day to clean the puke that was all over the floor with a shop-vac. That really killed me as I was still drunk, hung over, and miserably ill. I got over it about four hours into the day, however, and was fine. Day 3 was spent recovering, watching more Fox News and smoking.

My timeline may be a little fuzzy, as this all happened a very long time ago, but on day 4 was when things went really wonky. My grandfather spent most of the day getting hammered drunk, all the while we did more Fox News watching and further smoking. All day long he was talking about weird stuff, homo-erotic stories and how he once was going to kill himself until he "felt God's warmth" when he pressed the barrel of a gun against his own head. I could go on all day with his stupid stories used to manipulate others.

Fast forwarding, however, it is night time and he can barely put together a sentence without slurring. He starts preaching to me about how the bible is against man laying with man, and woman/woman relationships are not mentioned. What got him most excited was discussing how men could perform fellatio on other men and it wouldn't be against the bible. At one point he even had the bible out trying to read verses to support such claims, and the fact is there were no verses for or against what he was saying so by religious standards what he was saying made absolute sense.

The conversation ended after I told him I was underage and going to bed, because he asked me, "What is stopping me from coming over there, throwing that table out of the way, and sucking your d&^%?"

After I had gone to bed, my grandfather decided to stay up drinking more. Before I fell asleep I could hear can after can of beer being crushed. He had already been so smashed before I went to bed that I was worried for his safety, but he was an alcoholic so I didn't worry too much and drifted off to sleep relatively quick. I woke up later in the night, to the sound of his breathing over me as he knelt beside my bed. There wouldn't be much to think about this weird situation, it wouldn't have been so traumatic, had he not previously told me the story of his first fellatio from another man being while he had been asleep.

Previously he had told me about how he worked on a fishing boat with a gay man who took a liking to him, and one night he woke up to the man performing fellatio on him. He said he didn't stop the man because he didn't mind it, it felt good, and so he climaxed and the two never spoke about it nor ever brought it up. I didn't realize hearing that story was going to traumatize me so much.

Upon waking up to him breathing over me, however, I asked him what he was doing and all he said was, "Praying, sorry, I'll go."

I would stay up the rest of the night without sleep, scared that I was going to be violated if I went to sleep. He only tried to come back in later once, and once again I asked him what he was doing and he went away

So my grandmother came back, I decided after this incident I needed to leave and decided to go back to living with my abusive mother and stepfather to escape my grandfather, and I was going to keep the whole mess quiet for my grandfather's sake. I assume he thought I was going to tell everyone, I wasn't, and so he threw me under the bus for all his doings. Claimed I manipulated him, stole alcohol, smuggled marijuana into the house, and ordered porn with their credit card without their knowledge.

The strange thing was that he went out of his own way to show my grandmother the bill with his porn purchase, despite the fact she had never touched the bills once in their marriage previously. This was the only part of the story that made the rest of my family raise an eyebrow for a second. Yet, they still decided to side with this sick f&^%; they sided with this man that was revered by the community as a hero and beacon of religious hope.

Strict adherence to the religious writings of man, and the subsequent teachings of shyster con-artists, this is why I cannot seek justice for what happened to me. This is why I'm not considered the victim by those who could've helped me at the time. Religion justifies evil more than it looks down upon it, especially when it comes to redemption.

There are those who never deserve redemption, because this ignorant idea of redemption only serves to mask the ongoing evil, not to cure it.

Where was your God when I needed Him?