- Politics and Social Issues
Mitt Romney Wakes From A Dream
Romney's Dream is the Congo's Nightmare
Mitt Romney bolted upright in the bed so fast that his wife Ann was startled awake. It was 5 am and the sun had not even hit the edge of their vast vacation home estate. The jet skis lay idle at their dock. Ann's two Cadillacs were still nestled in their elevators.
"Mitt, what is it? Did Donald Trump call with some exciting new revelations about Obama? Why do you have that devilish look in your eye, Mitty?"
Mitt had a sheepish grin on his face and his Brylcreem hair was just slightly in tumult, as if the oil soaked pillow and 600 stitch Egyptian cotton - yet Chinese-made (he knows the guy who owns the factory) - pillowcase were heavenly soft.
"Ann, I've had the most wonderful dream, pinch me if this is real."
Ann gave Mitt a playful pinch on the jowls and said, "Mitt, you have that same expression I used to have when you were away on one of those long investment trips to China and the boys were driving me crazy and it was all I could do to hand them over to the servants and go for a horse ride. You know how a nice bouncy horse ride puts me in a good mood." Ann gave Mitt a saucy wink.
"Yes, Ann, I remember those days but you know it's been tough campaigning nonstop for all these years."
Ann sighed and prodded, "So was it the dream where you get to fire all those nasty dirty workers and the stockholders put you up on their shoulders and parade you around as money falls from the sky?"
Mitt gave Ann's comments a thought and replied, "No, although that is one of my favorites. No, Ann, this one was about my first day in office!"
Ann had a puzzled look on her face. "You mean at Bain Capital?"
"No, Ann, at my office in the White House! Remember all of those things I promised the American people I would do on day one? Well, in my dream I actually got to do them but, of course since it was a dream, there was no Constitution or Congress to get in my way."
Ann was starting to share some of Mitt's excitement and sat up further in bed. She reached over and pulled on a long, red and gold cord that hung from the ceiling. Far off in the halls of the great mansion a gong sounded and instantaneously a maid servant appeared at the doorway of the vast bedroom. Bowing, the servant asked, "You rang madam?"
"Yes," ordered Ann, "bring forth the morning decaffeinated coffee. I want to be fully awake to hear Mr. Romney's magnificent dream."
Mitt smiled and went on with his story. "So after the grand balls and the ticker tape parade down Wall Street and the signing in, of course, in my dream I get down to business. The first thing I do is get rid of that dreaded Obamacare. With a swipe of my mighty pen - poof - gone! In my dream I instantly get carried off on the shoulders of my insurance company backers who give me my second ticker tape parade of the day!"
Ann looked a bit upset. "But won't that make millions of American uninsured and those with pre-existing medical conditions at the mercy of the insurance companies. What about my MS?"
Mitt smiled. "Don't fret, dear. You are covered under the same golden Cadillac insurance plan all high-ranking government officials get. Besides, the night before the election I bought all of the insurance companies too -- they work for me now. And the Americans without insurance? They can just hobble out of their apartments and head on over to the emergency rooms. Let the hospitals cover them. What do you want, big government messing with peoples' lives? Jeez, where have you been, Ann?"
Ann was a bit perturbed at Mitt. "Well, you don't have to be such a bully, Mitty. I was just asking a question. Oh! Here comes the decaf coffee."
The servants brought in a little bed table and trays of decaf coffee, prune juice, toast soldiers, mini muffins, and a centerpiece complete with fresh flowers and American flags.
"Mitty, go on with your story," urged Ann.
Mitt took a cup of decaf from Servant number 42, smiled broadly and continued. "As I was saying, I was having a grand time in office on day "Numero Uno". See? Who says I'm not Latino? Ha, ha! That reminds me, I think I have a spray tan session this morning. I'm off to Florida later in the jet and I've been looking so pale lately. Those foreign policy debates scare the color out of me. I've been pale as ghost for weeks. But I regress..."
Mitt took a bit of a mini muffin. "Wow, that is tasty. I wonder what they call these pastries down in Florida. Maybe I should mention in my speech today how much I love orange juice and how I had some for breakfast... That should go over well and project how much of a normal guy I am. Jose, go down a squeeze up some orange juice and send it right up here on the double and don't put it in the wrong glass this time or I'll shave your head again!"
Having completed dealing with the domestics, Romney continued his dream story. "So as I was saying before getting off track, after dealing with Obamacare, I issued a proclamation announcing that the law formerly known as Obamacare would now be known as Romneycare, since I invented it anyway, but it would still be tossed to the trash heap and we'd go back to no healthcare reform."
"Next I declared war on Iran. I just wanted to flex my muscles as Commander in Chief. You see the people on the bottom, usually workers but in this instance soldiers, think they do all the work -- but I tell you making these decisions at the top is just as hard."
"But I wasn't done there. I managed to fit in time to replace the entire Supreme Court with severely conservative judges. These were guys I know from the country club. What a fun bunch of guys! The first thing they did was outlaw contraception and abortion."
Ann's face fell a bit. "But does that mean we are going to have another baby?"
Mitt looked at her reassuringly. "Ann, come on, you know that the rules are different for the rich. Think about prohibition. Did the rich worry that it would stop them from having a good time? Of course not. These rules are to punish the poor for being so needy and wicked. They are like children; they expect harsh rules to keep them in line."
Ann looked hopeful. "So was that it?"
"Oh no, I was just getting started." Mitt took another sip of his decaf. He was standing now, pacing back and forth in nothing but his magical holy undergarments.
"Of course in dreamland a day is typically longer than a real day so I could get all kinds of work done. I built the Keystone XL pipeline with my bare hands! That was fun. I mean, I didn't get sweaty, get callouses on my hands or break a nail, heaven forbid, it was more like waving a magic wand and -- POOF -- it was done."
"We are going to make a killing on that one, Ann. Screw those environmentalist bastards. Funny how all those fools think that oil from Canadian tar sands is going to say here in the U.S. Ha ha! My Chinese connections can't wait to get that oil."
"And then I banned all windmills, solar panels and any other silly do-gooder scheme. You can't run a car with a windmill on the roof, you know, Ann."
"Yes, I know Mittens," replied Ann. "I mean, where would you put the dog crate if you had a windmill on top of the car? Besides it would look horrendous."
Mitt was on a roll, getting energized to the point that he appeared to be doing a robotic dance move. "And then I handled the immigration problem. As you know, the real problem is that we have too many immigrants and not enough pool boy, maid, window washer and servant jobs in America today. So I passed a new immigration policy based on the ancient medieval economic principal of serfdom. Anyone can get into America as long as they sell themselves to a one percent-er. I call it self-importing. It's step six in my five step plan to bring back the economy."
"After all that, I sat down with Republicans and those other people in Congress. We talked about sports and the good old days when women knew their place and could cook a great meatloaf while maintaining a great body and then I woke up."
Ann smiled. "Oh Mitty, I'm so glad you got a good night's sleep."
Mitt gave Ann a patronizing grin and started getting dressed in his tuxedo.
Ann was puzzled. "But Mitt, where are you going? The election is over. You lost. You can sleep in now."
"Ann, I will be the first Mormon President or I'll die trying. I have some new backers to meet with this morning. They tell me that there is a third world county that needs my kind of leadership. Ann, meet the future next President of The Republic of the Congo."