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Mitt Romney Wakes From A Dream

Updated on October 25, 2012

Romney's Dream is the Congo's Nightmare

Mitt Romney bolted upright in the bed so fast that his wife Ann was startled awake. It was 5 am and the sun had not even hit the edge of their vast vacation home estate. The jet skis lay idle at their dock. Ann's two Cadillacs were still nestled in their elevators.

"Mitt, what is it? Did Donald Trump call with some exciting new revelations about Obama? Why do you have that devilish look in your eye, Mitty?"

Mitt had a sheepish grin on his face and his Brylcreem hair was just slightly in tumult, as if the oil soaked pillow and 600 stitch Egyptian cotton - yet Chinese-made (he knows the guy who owns the factory) - pillowcase were heavenly soft.

"Ann, I've had the most wonderful dream, pinch me if this is real."

Ann gave Mitt a playful pinch on the jowls and said, "Mitt, you have that same expression I used to have when you were away on one of those long investment trips to China and the boys were driving me crazy and it was all I could do to hand them over to the servants and go for a horse ride. You know how a nice bouncy horse ride puts me in a good mood." Ann gave Mitt a saucy wink.

"Yes, Ann, I remember those days but you know it's been tough campaigning nonstop for all these years."

Ann sighed and prodded, "So was it the dream where you get to fire all those nasty dirty workers and the stockholders put you up on their shoulders and parade you around as money falls from the sky?"

Mitt gave Ann's comments a thought and replied, "No, although that is one of my favorites. No, Ann, this one was about my first day in office!"

Ann had a puzzled look on her face. "You mean at Bain Capital?"

"No, Ann, at my office in the White House! Remember all of those things I promised the American people I would do on day one? Well, in my dream I actually got to do them but, of course since it was a dream, there was no Constitution or Congress to get in my way."

Ann was starting to share some of Mitt's excitement and sat up further in bed. She reached over and pulled on a long, red and gold cord that hung from the ceiling. Far off in the halls of the great mansion a gong sounded and instantaneously a maid servant appeared at the doorway of the vast bedroom. Bowing, the servant asked, "You rang madam?"

"Yes," ordered Ann, "bring forth the morning decaffeinated coffee. I want to be fully awake to hear Mr. Romney's magnificent dream."

Mitt smiled and went on with his story. "So after the grand balls and the ticker tape parade down Wall Street and the signing in, of course, in my dream I get down to business. The first thing I do is get rid of that dreaded Obamacare. With a swipe of my mighty pen - poof - gone! In my dream I instantly get carried off on the shoulders of my insurance company backers who give me my second ticker tape parade of the day!"

Ann looked a bit upset. "But won't that make millions of American uninsured and those with pre-existing medical conditions at the mercy of the insurance companies. What about my MS?"

Mitt smiled. "Don't fret, dear. You are covered under the same golden Cadillac insurance plan all high-ranking government officials get. Besides, the night before the election I bought all of the insurance companies too -- they work for me now. And the Americans without insurance? They can just hobble out of their apartments and head on over to the emergency rooms. Let the hospitals cover them. What do you want, big government messing with peoples' lives? Jeez, where have you been, Ann?"

Ann was a bit perturbed at Mitt. "Well, you don't have to be such a bully, Mitty. I was just asking a question. Oh! Here comes the decaf coffee."

The servants brought in a little bed table and trays of decaf coffee, prune juice, toast soldiers, mini muffins, and a centerpiece complete with fresh flowers and American flags.

"Mitty, go on with your story," urged Ann.

Mitt took a cup of decaf from Servant number 42, smiled broadly and continued. "As I was saying, I was having a grand time in office on day "Numero Uno". See? Who says I'm not Latino? Ha, ha! That reminds me, I think I have a spray tan session this morning. I'm off to Florida later in the jet and I've been looking so pale lately. Those foreign policy debates scare the color out of me. I've been pale as ghost for weeks. But I regress..."

Mitt took a bit of a mini muffin. "Wow, that is tasty. I wonder what they call these pastries down in Florida. Maybe I should mention in my speech today how much I love orange juice and how I had some for breakfast... That should go over well and project how much of a normal guy I am. Jose, go down a squeeze up some orange juice and send it right up here on the double and don't put it in the wrong glass this time or I'll shave your head again!"

Having completed dealing with the domestics, Romney continued his dream story. "So as I was saying before getting off track, after dealing with Obamacare, I issued a proclamation announcing that the law formerly known as Obamacare would now be known as Romneycare, since I invented it anyway, but it would still be tossed to the trash heap and we'd go back to no healthcare reform."

"Next I declared war on Iran. I just wanted to flex my muscles as Commander in Chief. You see the people on the bottom, usually workers but in this instance soldiers, think they do all the work -- but I tell you making these decisions at the top is just as hard."

"But I wasn't done there. I managed to fit in time to replace the entire Supreme Court with severely conservative judges. These were guys I know from the country club. What a fun bunch of guys! The first thing they did was outlaw contraception and abortion."

Ann's face fell a bit. "But does that mean we are going to have another baby?"

Mitt looked at her reassuringly. "Ann, come on, you know that the rules are different for the rich. Think about prohibition. Did the rich worry that it would stop them from having a good time? Of course not. These rules are to punish the poor for being so needy and wicked. They are like children; they expect harsh rules to keep them in line."

Ann looked hopeful. "So was that it?"

"Oh no, I was just getting started." Mitt took another sip of his decaf. He was standing now, pacing back and forth in nothing but his magical holy undergarments.

"Of course in dreamland a day is typically longer than a real day so I could get all kinds of work done. I built the Keystone XL pipeline with my bare hands! That was fun. I mean, I didn't get sweaty, get callouses on my hands or break a nail, heaven forbid, it was more like waving a magic wand and -- POOF -- it was done."

"We are going to make a killing on that one, Ann. Screw those environmentalist bastards. Funny how all those fools think that oil from Canadian tar sands is going to say here in the U.S. Ha ha! My Chinese connections can't wait to get that oil."

"And then I banned all windmills, solar panels and any other silly do-gooder scheme. You can't run a car with a windmill on the roof, you know, Ann."

"Yes, I know Mittens," replied Ann. "I mean, where would you put the dog crate if you had a windmill on top of the car? Besides it would look horrendous."

Mitt was on a roll, getting energized to the point that he appeared to be doing a robotic dance move. "And then I handled the immigration problem. As you know, the real problem is that we have too many immigrants and not enough pool boy, maid, window washer and servant jobs in America today. So I passed a new immigration policy based on the ancient medieval economic principal of serfdom. Anyone can get into America as long as they sell themselves to a one percent-er. I call it self-importing. It's step six in my five step plan to bring back the economy."

"After all that, I sat down with Republicans and those other people in Congress. We talked about sports and the good old days when women knew their place and could cook a great meatloaf while maintaining a great body and then I woke up."

Ann smiled. "Oh Mitty, I'm so glad you got a good night's sleep."

Mitt gave Ann a patronizing grin and started getting dressed in his tuxedo.

Ann was puzzled. "But Mitt, where are you going? The election is over. You lost. You can sleep in now."

"Ann, I will be the first Mormon President or I'll die trying. I have some new backers to meet with this morning. They tell me that there is a third world county that needs my kind of leadership. Ann, meet the future next President of The Republic of the Congo."


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    • peanutroaster profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from New England

      Thanks. Cross your fingers and vote!

    • Shyron E Shenko profile image

      Shyron E Shenko 

      5 years ago from Texas

      Voting you up and awesome. I could not stop laughing. posting on facebook.

      great hub, thing is I can visualize this!

    • peanutroaster profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from New England

      Romney is on his private jet racing to meet the men from the Congo who want a strong leader who will continue to lead a weak government that likes to mettle with its citizens private lives.

      Ring, ring

      Romney's cell phone breaks the silence with a vintage telephone ring tone. Just like they had back in the good old days by gum!


      "Mitty, its Ann. I just heard about this terrible Sandy character. Are we going to be ok".

      "Don't worry Ann. The money is safe. Even if the Cayman Islands are wiped off the map our money is still safe."


      "I know what you are thinking Ann but really they don't keep money piled up in those accounts. Its all on computer and its all backed up. The money is safe. And besides, we always have Switzerland!"

      "Ok Mitt, have a good meeting with those colored people."

      "Zippie Do Dah Ann"

      "What's that mean, Mittens?"

      "I don't know it just popped into my head. Kind of like when I said that Jeep was moving everything to China. These things just pop into the old noggin and have to come out."

    • peanutroaster profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from New England

      Thanks, humor is about the only way we can survive this election season.

    • chinweike profile image


      5 years ago from Glasgow, UK

      This is really good, cant stop laughing, what a dream!!

    • peanutroaster profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from New England

      Later that day...

      "Oh Ann I just remembered another great part of my dream!"

      "What is it Mittens?"

      "It was great! I eliminated FEMA and all federal government disaster relief. And then I cut back all infrastructure investments. Oh the money we saved!"

      "But Mitt what about all of those people who will be effected by extreme weather in the coming years?"

      "That's the best part. In my dream I lead a nation wide can drive and we collected whole truckloads of canned goods, shoes and old clothes that people didn't want. I even tossed in one of my old dress shirts. You know the ones you were buying by the three pack from Costco during the election? Boy those things were scratchy"

      "But didn't the Red Cross tell you that they don't need old clothes and cans? They need blood and money donations. Truck loads of cans and clothes just get in the way of the relief."

      "I know Ann but at least it makes people feel like they are doing something. We just parked the trucks in the back of Staples. "....

    • 50 Caliber profile image

      50 Caliber 

      5 years ago from Arizona

      PeanutRoaster, yesterday I thought you the south end of a mule,

      today I have to say you have a grande imagination and I laughed at this well written piece.

      Voted you up and a few more,



    • Eiddwen profile image


      5 years ago from Wales

      A great read and here's so many more to follow.


    • Charles James profile image

      Charles James 

      5 years ago from Yorkshire, UK

      Tremendous! Voted up and following you.

    • peanutroaster profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from New England

      Thanks Ghost32, coming from you that means a lot.

    • profile image


      5 years ago


      Okay, gotta give you this one--this is HILARIOUS!

      Strangely, though, my favorite line on the whole page is this little throwaway bit:

      "...bring forth the morning decaffeinated coffee."

      Voted Up and More.

    • peanutroaster profile imageAUTHOR


      5 years ago from New England

      I voted today! Feels so good!

    • JayeWisdom profile image

      Jaye Denman 

      5 years ago from Deep South, USA

      Loved it!

    • Nia Foxx profile image


      5 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia



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