Politically-correct alternative icons to Ronald McDonald and his fiendish allies
If you don't already know it: the influential tax-exempt organization
Corporate Accountability International has declared war against cultural
icon Ronald McDonald. In accusing the well known hamburger king of
being an enemy of the state, CAI has recruited several hundred health
officials to demand Ronald's retirement. According to CAI and their
high-profile experts Ronald McDonald is the main culprit behind the
epidemic of obesity among children. CAI has experience in calling out
corporate villains; having been a driving force behind
the public execution of Joe Camel and banishment of the Marlboro Man to
the wastelands from whence he came. In addition to their continued
battle against Big Tobacco CAI has added its endorsement in battles
against Big Oil, infant formula, bottled water and is a strong voice in
favor of higher taxes on beverages and soda. With such high profile
allies-in-arms as Green Corps, Van Jones and PETA it surely won't be
long before CAI succeeds in not only retiring Ronald McDonald but making
his name just as synonymous with evil as Adolf Hitler, Joe Camel, the
shamelessly macho Brawny Towels Lumberjack, juvenile delinquent Joe
Bazooka and that treacherous purveyor of confectionery addiction, the
Now while some of us -myself included- may have erroneously believed that just saying no to a child is the best way to combat their pleading to be taken to a McDonalds, CAI-supported datashows that saying no isn't enough for more responsible parents. These delicate souls have more important things to do with their time and can't be bothered with having to argue with a domineering child. I have also apparently been acting under the delusion that the growing childhood obesity in this nation may be caused by things like a lack of parental guidance that prompts people like me to say "get off the video games and go outside to play" or from children emulating parents who take three or four snack breaks while watching an episode of LOST. Stupid me, and kudos to smart CAI and their experts who have shown the world that it isn't a matter of much you put in your pie hole or how often you shove it in there. The real cause of childhood obesity is what you put in that pie hole.
But is ridding the world of Ronald McDonald and his fiendish band of corporate icons enough? Won't our children and their grandchildren be influenced by the universally subconscious memories of Ronald, Wendi and Chuck E. Cheese? Perhaps its time for the nutrition nazis, er experts, to come out with new and much more politically correct icons to combat the threat. I've even thought up a few, because gods know the leaders of the anti-obesity crusade (aka as the intellectually superior folks) may be too busy forming a human chain across the doors of KFC to come up with these on their own.
Jainist Jeff, aka Hippie Man
Jainist Jeff hasn’t touched a hamburger since his days in college when it became apparent the only way he was going to bag his roommate’s vegan sister, Jill, was to give up red meat. In doing so Jeff won his way to editor for the campus gazette, and after earning a degree in Health Science Jeff and Jill took a trip to India. There Jill ran off with an aspiring Bollywood actor in addition to Jeff’s American Express and all of his pocket change. Heart-broken, Jeff ran off to the nearest Jainist guru he could find and in the man’s company swore off violence, bathing and all temporal cravings. In time Jeff came to sustain his life entirely on a diet of water and decaying plant matter. Even at this Jeff came to see that in boiling the water and consuming the plant matter he was murdering millions of microscopic life forms. Now Jeff consumes only the air around him. But be of cheer, dear mosquitoes and other flying infestations! Jeff can hold his breath a long time while running away for your protection!
Pam, the Pet Pamperer
While Pam isn’t as back-to-nature about her diet as Jainist Jeff, she doesn’t mind letting the world know how very serious she is about pro-vegan sentiments. When not leading protests against egg farmers, the dairy industry, the beef industry and the manufacturing of fly swats Pam can be found donating her time to PETA, airbrushing anti-fur posters featuring naked spokesperson celebrities
Maury the Mime
The happy-go-lucky icon for the not-so-fast-food chain, Tofu Smorgasbord Palace. Although adults may find Maury even more annoying than Ronald McDonald, at least Maury doesn’t try pimping fried delicious junk to children. Instead Tofu Smorgasbord Palace serves never-fried, low-fat, low-cholesterol, low-taste bean curd offerings. Visit now and experience dining at its unseasonably best! You can order a delicious Big Tofu Sandwich for yourself and a Maury Meal for the kids (comes in eco-friendly packaging with tofu hotdog in a whole grain bun, tofu baked fries and strained tofu juice). After the gnawing down your meal turn the little ones loose in the Tofu Kingdom gymnasium while you relax with a well-earned tofu “milk” shake. And remember, a portion of each purchase at Tofu Smorgasbord Palace goes to Maury the Mime's favorite children’s charity, Grazer Gregg’s Fat Farm & Yard Service.
Greg the Grazer
Greg knows there is nothing more beautiful than the smile of a happy child, especially when that smile is a nice shade garden fresh green! That’s why he’s an icon of health to hopefully thousands of obesity-threatened children and head of Greg Grazer Fat Farm and Yard Service. By enrolling your child at Greg’s fat farm they will be removed from the temptations of junk food while getting back to nature. And in learning the ancient art of human grass grazing (and offering it at Greg's low everyday prices) your child will also be introduced to fun and outdoorsy sources of physical activity like Look, I’m a Sheep and Mooooooo over for brunch!.
Louey McSleaze, attorney at law
Louey gained fame by winning a lawsuit against a pizza shop after his client had dropped a slice of hot pepperoni while talking on her cell phone in traffic. A friend of the “little people” Louey has devoted his career to representing victims of corporate irresponsibility. Louey is adamant in his quest to right corporate irresponsibility wherever and however it happens. His prestigious litigation victories include a case against Big Tobacco when he represented a corpse exposed to third-hand cigarette smoke by a coroner. More recently Louey got financial justice for Gamer who suffered needless epileptic seizures after spending eighty straight hours betting at an online casino. Wherever corporate abuse, injustice or the call for common sense is allowed to roam unfettered Louey is there. Just call the law offices of McSleaze, Savage and Shark today for a free consultation!
Wilty Kale, aka Salad Man
Disguised as a mild-mannered reporter for a NPR affiliate Wilty is in fact a leading superhero in the world of good nutrition. After seeing his 105 year-old grandfather suffer a heart attack after eating a slice of fat-loaded birthday cake Wilty vowed to dedicate his life to the battle against fatty foods. Every day Wilty stays on the vigilant lookout for the enemies of healthy lifestyles like The French Fry Gang, Mr. Ice Cream, the Greasy Chip Mob and his arch-nemesis, Pudding Galore. Despite his heavy work schedule Wilty always tries to catch some well-deserved down time with his girlfriend, Nanny State Faster than a speeding enema, more powerful than a laxative and able to leap tall compost heaps in a single bound, watch out villains, its Salad Man!
Dr. Kickback and his sidekick, Pharmaceutical Rep. Rita Ritalin
If your kid is in a public school, chances are the little tyke has at least one teacher who will swear on a stack of Communist Manifestos that your pride and joy suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder. Don’t worry, Dr. Kickback and his magical bag of wonder pills are here to help. While the magical bag doesn’t come as cheap as a McDonald's Value Meal the special recipe inside each pill is guaranteed to not only make your child behave in class but also make them oblivious to how mercilessly boring the teacher is. And Dads, if you’re one bit hesitant about the pills, just have a little chat with Rep. Rita Ritalin. Rita can put the hardiest man’s mind to rested assurance while showing him her talent of licking runny fat-free mustard and ketchup off her cleavage while devouring a bunload of today’s most delicious pharmaceutical products.
The Politically-Correct Five
This tightly-knit group of fat fighters is comprised of: Captain Wholegrain, Ice Muncher, Bulemia Girl and the Incredible Run-Non-Stop Man. While their lives seem like an endless battle against unhealthy temptations, the group’s diligence is unwavering. Their agenda is helped by the brilliant Prof. Bully. With the body of an android and the brain of a surgically transplanted 60’s homeland terrorist-turned White House advisor, the Prof uses his vast computer databank of info –aka WikiLeaks- in keeping the group informed of the ever-moving locales of the nefarious Yummy Junk Food Cartel.
Kallie the Can’t-say-no Nutrition Advocate Mom
A willowy and sassy beauty all her life, Kallie’s life was shattered at the age of eight when her Mom dared to show up with a tray of snickerdoodles for the class Valentine’s Day party and Kallie’s cheerleader hoped-for friends caught a glimpse of Mom’s cafeteria-lady arms. Since reaching adulthood Kallie has used the memory of that traumatic day as stimulus behind her campaign to stamp out desserts, sugary treats and fatty foods from children’s diets. Despite her noble campaign Kallie has met resistance from her own children, most notably the day she passed by a McDonalds while driving to Carrot World in her SUV. On seeing the Golden Arches her children at once began to ask if she would stop. A simple no didn’t content them, and their persistent whining pleases forced Kallie to do the unthinkable: she stopped and bought them each a Happy Meal. This experience opened Kalle’s eyes to the nefarious tricks of the Hamburger King. Kallie knows that just saying no doesn’t always work the first time and having to repeat it is a criminal assault on a parent’s patience and personal space. Kallie will stop at nothing to ensure the closing of modern day opium dens, where the dope dealers lure children into life-long addictions to fast-foods and cookies... well nothing except putting her foot down. But hey, putting feet down is the government’s job!
Are you having difficulty deciding what to eat? Let Big Brother tell you. As the Ultimate Icon of Appropriate Lifestyle Choices, this grandfatherly icon knows exactly what you should and shouldn’t put into your mouth, every single second of your life!
Big Brother has made it his mission to lead the world into the pursuit of active, productive living. In this endeavor he offers a standing invitation for everyone to become a contributing member of one of his many industrious ministry offices, where happy employees work together to accomplish tasks the importance of which are never explained or even questioned. That’s because trivial things like rational explanations just aren’t what Big Brother is about. What is important to Big Brother is that under his loving guidance we are never alone in guessing what we should and shouldn’t do. He tells us exactly what to eat, what to drink, what to read, where to go, where to stand, when to jump and even what side of the bed to sleep on. Big Brother labors tirelessly to help his beloved children relinquish all self-damaging habits like aspiration, creativity, objectivity, personal choice and even going to the bathroom without an appointment. By totally surrendering to his guidance our bodies will eventually even stop craving those reoccurring non-productive human feelings like love and orgasms. So why not re-write yesterday’s history today? Make your pledge to Big Brother and become part of the Fahrenheit-sizzling world of mindless compliance. You’ll be healthier, you’ll be happier and most importantly, you’ll never be strapped in a chair with the object of your greatest fear leering back from the other side of a movable bar inside a cage strapped to your face. Unless you disrespect Big Brother, of course, and end up at a FEMA camp.