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What Not To Do When Pregnant

Updated on March 12, 2015

To Start:

Women shouldn't be having sex outside of marriage, that's disgusting.

IF you do though, use protection, because my god your not ready for a baby! You have so much to learn before your ready for a child.

If your partner (who you've obviously been with for years and are dedicated to) doesn't like the feel of a Condom, go out and pay for some chemical hormone unbalancing pills that wholly F#cks your system up. Then and only then, should you have sex.

OOPS! Bun in the oven, you obviously weren't using the birth control right. Silly woman. You've made your bed, you can sleep on it....but not get an abortion, because that's disgusting.

Marriage is a must, otherwise your baby will be brought up in a broken home. You don't want that emotional baggage for your child.

Expect people to ask "Your sure that's Safe?" They're looking after your unborn baby.

Pregnancy and Rights:

Your body, your rules, except there's another little body in there, so its actually my rules now. You are wholly incapable of making any big decisions by yourself, therefore, Ill be making them all for you.

Doctors know EVERYTHING, they've been to college and everything, so what they say is 100% fact. Listen to your doctor, nobody else. This is Pregnancy 101.

Doctor tells you to drink lots of water, and exercise, but also rest a lot, your bodies barely able to stay alive when you're making a whole other person in there, so no lifting anything, or moving to wildly, or running too fast.

Also, don't eat Cheese, Milk, pate, oily fish, vitamin A, caffeine, alcohol, undercooked meat, Sauces that include:

  • Caesar salad dressing
  • BĂ©arnaise sauce
  • Hollandaise sauce
  • Mayonnaise

.....deli meats, raw beansprouts, smoked seafood. However, you must eat these: eggs, salmon, potatoes, grains, colorful vegetables. If you don't adhere to these basic rules, your a terrible mother already. And people are allowed to ask you "Should you be drinking that!" they're looking out for your baby, because you obviously aren't.

Make a birthing plan, but don't get upset if we refuse to follow it. Most of all, be flexible with it. If you want a home birth, put your second choice down as a semi private hospital birth.

Don't hire a bloody Doula or midwife, they aren't trained like actual doctors, they're closer to hippies. If you do Hire one, then you've failed as a mother already. You obviously don't care for your unborn child and don't want the protection of hospital staff to ensure the survival of your innocent little child. But again, its totally up to you....if the HSE allows it....and you actually manage to book two of the 20 midwives in the entire country. Then, yes, its totally your choice.

If you get refused the birth of your choice, but go for it anyway, you're definitely a criminal and you hate your baby, Your body and choice is not as important as your unborn fetus'. Remember that!

Most Important Rule:

Enjoy your pregnancy, or appear to enjoy your pregnancy, and be very happy about it. You are glowing, your creating life, pretend that you haven't been sick all day, and haven't sore breasts, and can pee in normal intervals.




Childs birth...Mothers a Vessel

Didn't get your home birth? Too bad, we'll make this as comfortable as possible though, don't mind that women behind the curtain, shes having twins.

But Always remember you are but a vessel, carrying this child until its able to enter the world as a human being.

Don't want an epidural? Your crazy and reading too much hippie nonsense. Your not capable of dealing with this much pain without medical intervention. Also, we need to snip that small area to make sure the head has enough room to get through, even though babies have been getting through these for centuries without needed this, we, the medical professionals remember? think its for the best. We don't want to distress the baby now do we?!

Stay in bed, don't be walking around, we can't keep constant monitoring of your unborn child with you walking around like that.

Push when your told, because even though you feel like you need to push now, don't! Im a doctor, trust me.

You need a C-Section, this is taking too long. There's obviously something terribly wrong and we have to get this baby out now! You don't want one? What about the safety of your child, would you prefer it smothered up there?

For the Love of God, Keep breathing! In and Out.

Take your baby when they are handed to you, and give her back when the doctors ask, that box is much safer for them to sleep in. Don't even consider co-sleeping, unless you want to kill your baby.

Try to breastfeed, and keep trying. Don't ever give up on it, no matter how uncomfortable it is. But for the sake of everyone, don't ever breastfeed in public. That's disgusting. Pump yourself like a cow, and feed with the bottle, Its better that way.



After Birth!

Your body is yours again, but only kind of. You still can't drink alcohol or smoke, because your breastfeeding remember.

You need to lose that baby weight now, its been a month...look at yourself!

Spend every minute with your baby, watching its every move, it could hurt itself and then you'll be a bad mother.

Don't bother with natural treatments for babies, they simply don't work. And don't even think about those amber bracelets for teething. Unless you want to kill your baby.

Read every mother and baby book ever. These instructions on being a mother exist for a reason. Its hard.

The most Important rule:

Don't ever complain about being tired, cranky, upset, angry, frustrated, sore or anything that would suggest being a mother is difficult. You made this happen, now its your responsibility to deal with it. Also, always tell people the mothering instinct came naturally and it didn't take multiple doctors, nurses, friends, family, Doula's and google to figure it all out.

Being a mother is a gift, so never let it get you down, even if your baby is screaming your ear off for the fifth time at 4 in the morning and you haven't slept in weeks.

Loss of human rights in Pregnancy

The sad fact is, many pregnancy practices are done so as to keep the baby safe, and to adhere to societies standards of what a 'good' mother is. Most medical practitioners fear law suits and so adhere to very strict guidelines of what is and is not safe, but these often negate the rights of the mothers. Episiotomies have no known benefit, if anything, they prove more harmful to women and borders on FGM (female genital mutilation). Many mothers even say this was performed without their consent. Cesarean sections are also so commonplace that Irelands highest rate of C-Section in one hospital is 38%, while America has an average of 32.8%.

"In 2008, 3.18 million additional CS were needed and 6.20 million unnecessary sections were performed" (http://www.who.int/healthsystems/topics/financing/healthreport/30C-sectioncosts.pdf Worldwide C section rates.)

Mothers are told what to do, and what not to do, for the sake of their children, an infringement on basic human rights. Home Births in Ireland exist for a privileged few with less than 20 midwives that provide this service for the entire country. Which means that many women who want this service are unable to avail of it, thus giving birth in a way they are uncomfortable with. Women dying and in need of abortions have had been refused because this is a 'Catholic Country', See Here. Women are refused Home births if they've had C-sections previously, See here. Rape victims are refused Abortions and then forced to birth the babies through c-sections, See here. These instances prove that a woman's body is hot her own one she becomes pregnant, she is public property, and doctors and government officials can decide what to do with her body.

Birthing rights is a feminist issue, but above all it's a human rights issue. Its not for doctors or the law to tell any woman what they can and cannot do when pregnant, they can give non biased information and advice, they can assist when the mother needs and asks for assistance, and not a second before. And Importantly, no doctor should negate a woman's decision and go through the courts to carry out their own interests.

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    • peachpurple profile image

      peachy 2 years ago from Home Sweet Home

      i must say, you did point out a list of stuff that I should had known 20 years ago. ANyway, it is best to ask mom's advice, she did the best