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Reagan Helps Romney Pick a V.P.
Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney, sitting in Reagan’s presidential library for inspiration, looks over his list of Vice Presidential criteria and searches for a candidate that can help him win the White House in November. Pictures of Christy, Jeb, Marco, and others sit on a large cedar table in front of him. He considers his options out loud, speaking to the photo of Reagan that faces his chair.
“Well Ronnie, we have to find someone who promotes tax cuts for the job creators, my friends on Wall Street…no problem finding a candidate there.
And opposing gay marriage is really important, that’s nearly all of them...
Must be pro-life, even in cases of rape and incest…hmmm That shouldn’t be too tough, but we can forget those chicks from Maine.
He…or she, must be tough on immigration and believe in racial profiling…not sure Jeb Bush is strong on that, what with a Mexican wife and all. (Romney looks up at the photo of Reagan) You don’t think so either, eh Ronnie?
Ready to invade Iran…well, Ron Paul is out.
Must be a union buster like you my lord Reagan…that doesn’t really narrow down the field much…
Abstinence only education is a must, because talking about sex means you’ll have it, well, some of these candidates don’t talk nearly enough about sex…
Must be against environmental regulation as you were my master (again looking at Reagan)
Believes creationism should be taught in schools…not my criteria, but I gotta throw the base a bone…you know what I mean, my President (he looks up at Master Reagan)
Must want to drill baby drill…well I’d drill in my mother’s tit if there was oil to be found…
Has to be pro-gun and pro-life and not an educated elite…like me. We can’t have two of Ivy League eggheads on the ticket, or the base will reject us.
National legislative experience…not necessary. Knowledge of economics, history, world events, the constitution, eh, not important.
Against sex education, wants a theocracy, wants guns and prayer in school, well, there’ only one choice…