Republican Guide to Stealing Elections

September 02, 2012

It's hard being a one-percenter—even harder being a one-percenter politician, when all you really want to do is sit around sipping champagne and counting your money, but you have to periodically go out and actually win elections...

That's not an easy thing to do. Especially when you don't actually do anything for the people you need to vote for you, and in many cases do lots of things that are bad for them.

Even after you turned corporations into people and removed all restrictions from their money being able to influence elections and policies, it is still surprisingly difficult to convince the ignorant masses that they are in fact ignorant masses, who would be unable to do anything but lie around in pools of their own drool if it wasn't for your inspired designs and wondrous visions. Do not fret though. There's no reason to get your cravat all twisted up. There is a simple solution: cheat.

This strategy is so easy to implement you will be amazed. All you have to do is use your control over the media to plant and spread ridiculous rumors in order to create a problem that doesn't exist. Don't worry about not having evidence or about how ridiculous the stories are. Tell them that zombies are rising from the ground and voting in elections. They'll believe it. They are after all the ignorant masses.

If they need more convincing, fall back on the invasion of the immigrant hordes story. That's always a good one. Tell them about how these dangerous backwards invaders are sneaking into our country, destroying our economy, stealing our wealth, and diluting our proud cultural heritage. Back in the day we would have also said they are raping our daughters, but even we can't get away—wait, whats' that—oh, I guess we can.

Hold on a minute. “ROSA!...ROSA!” Dammit, you'd think with only having to watch 4 kids, clean the house, do the laundry, and cook dinner, she'd be able to answer the damn door. “Yes, what is it?” [mumbling] “What?” [more mumbling]. “HECTOR!” I motion for him to cut-off the lawnmower, so I can hear the woman at the door. “Nine Forty Two,” she says in broken English. I hand her a ten and take my dry-cleaning from her. “Gracias,” Shut the door. So, what was I saying? Oh, ya, damn Mexicans, destroying our country, ruining our economy. Works every time.

This one is not only useful, it is actually a lot of fun. In fact, me and a lot of my buddies sit around sometimes and do it just for giggles. The way it works is you get a hold of a voter registration roll and then search through it to find names that you guess would be Democratic voters, then you try and see if there is something suspicious about them and report them to the election commision. How do you choose which names to pull? Well, in some cases it can be pretty difficult, but something like Martinez is of course fairly obvious. Black names are tough since they no longer have their African names. Did you know that some of the blackest names in America are Washington and Jefferson? Ironic isn't it. The beauty of this strategy is that all it requires is a sympathetic administration (like Rick Scott in Florida). With the right administration, legality and accuracy are optional.

First of all, lets all kneel down and pray to our Breitbart statues, "long may he live in Republican heaven," and while we are at it give praise to the amazing James 'Pimpdaddy' O'Keefe who, with a camera pulled out of a Cracker Jack box, brought down ACORN, "cursed be their name." O'Keefe's accomplishments are a perfect example of what can be done without having any talent or truth.

Blocking voter registrations is a critical component of any voter suppression effort. Disproportionately, minorities are less likely to be registered to vote—37 percent of blacks and 48 percent of Hispanics—compared to the 25 percent of the total population. If that doesn't scare the color out of you than nothing will. Taking out ACORN was a significant victory, but there are still many other organizations doing this sort of work.

In the absence of an O'Keefe sting operation, these organizations can be attacked by increasing the requirements they need to meet—extra training requirements is an example. Florida tried to require third party organizations to publicly list names and addresses of anyone registering voters for them. For now the ninnies in the courts have blocked this perfectly reasonable intimidation tactic. Much more effectively, Florida added a requirement that voter registration organizations turn over their collected forms within 48 hours. The courts have overruled this requirement as well, but it did shut down the registration efforts of Rock the Vote and the League of Women Voters for a year. Nice work Florida.

Democrats and minorities seem to vote early more than other groups, so any restrictions to early voting are a good thing. Of particular concern is the Sunday before the election when particularly strong efforts by religious groups encourage voting after church services. In Florida, in 2008, over half of all voters on that Sunday were minorities. Yikes!

Eliminating this Sunday in particular is therefore especially important. If necessary, say these changes are being implemented to reduce costs. Does it make sense from a cost perspective to reduce a busy weekend day from a week day? No, of course not, but let's be honest, there isn't anyone left in the media who would actually point that out.

Some inspiring young men have proposed and are attempting to implement a new law in Florida to protect our polls. The law would say this:

If you are a legal gun owner in the state of Florida and you suspect someone on Election Day is committing voter fraud you can shoot him or her with your licensed weapon and not be charged with a crime.

Is this some sort of a joke? Who cares. I love theses guys.

Another inspiring figure, J.T. ready, is shown in the photo above. He too was just an ordinary citizen who took it upon himself to pick up a gun and defend this great nation. The fact that he went crazy and shot his girlfriend, his girlfriend's daughter and her boyfriend and baby, and then himself doesn't diminish from his courageous efforts to protect our borders from the immigrant hordes.

Do what Florida is doing.