Republicans Voting to Resurrect Ronald Reagan
With megalomaniac Donald Trump having secured the GOP nomination, sane Republicans everywhere either jumped the political ship entirely, went Independent or even publicly endorsed the Democrats as the "lesser of two evils". For a brief time, Mitt Romney was rumored to be considering running again, but decided against it. "I have so much to catch up on," Romney stated in a press release. "Walking Dead, House of Cards, Orange is the New Black...man, Netflix is packed right now. I just don't have time for a campaign".
However, some party members feel that not all hope is lost. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan has recently endorsed Bill 666 or the "Freedom of Zombification Act". Its goal? To resurrect the late Ronald Reagan and have him replace trump as the GOP nominee.
When pressed about the fact that Trump has already secured the position, Ryan responded by claiming, "well, obviously Mr. Reagan will need brains for sustenance. We'll let him meet Mr. Trump alone. In person. Far from any help. This will reopen the position. Honestly, I'm down for trying anything at this point. It's become a real (sh*t) show".
Perhaps the biggest legal problem facing the Republican plan is that Ronald Reagan already served two terms, spanning from 1981 to 1989. This would therefore make him ineligible to run again. However, supporters of Bill 666 proposed a clause stating that once a person is dead, they forego all rights and privileges of American citizenship. As a result, any actions or offices they served are legally expunged.
Republican legal expert Chris Johnson explained, "When President Reagan died, everything about him ceased to exist. Bringing him back would essentially be a 'rebirth', if you will. This includes a new birth certificate and social security number. As far as the law is concerned, he'll be a new person, meaning his eligibility to run for president will effectively reset".
Dr. Emmett Brown -- a leading biologist and part-time psychic -- hopes to be credited with successfully resurrecting Mr. Reagan, but he admits that there are obstacles.
"For starters, Ronald Reagan didn't exactly die yesterday. Odds are there isn't a whole lot left of him. Our biggest concern is cognitive function. He needs a working brain in order to interact and, let's face it, this seems to be non-existent among Republican nominees lately. Fortunately, stem cell research will allow us to potentially grow Mr. Reagan a brain based on his DNA, long before the November vote".
Another issue is that Ronald Reagan probably won't be looking his best -- a public relations nightmare that could put off a lot of voters. "Look," Paul Ryan said, "I know we have a lot to work on, but no matter what, he'll never be nearly as ugly as Ted Cruz".