ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Rhinoceros Party

Updated on January 3, 2013

Welcome to the Rhinoceros Party Reunion!

Politics in Canada is akin to being in a zoo full of crazy Canuck critters. And, the most popular political party among the pull the wool over your eyes voting crowd is the highly entertaining Rhinoceros Party of Canada.

This light-hearted lens will acquaint you with a pesky if not patently ridiculous political party that consistently comes up with its wacky ways of improving life in Canuckville, (you know that "land of the silver birch home of the beaver" not to mention all manner of other curious critters including Ogopogo, Sasquatch, and a gregarious person of snow named 'Bonhomme' who seems to run the circus north of the 49th parallel!)

__________

Image Credit: koderitsche@flickr.com

Some Rhinos are Ridiculous - Which is better than being a Horrible Hippo

I'll have you know that my mother loves my mirthless mug!

________________

Image Credit: Rhino dragon - beloved-creature.deviantart.com/Dragon_Rhino_by_Beloved_Creature

THE RHINOCEROS PARTY OF CANADA

Let's face, any country that hunkers down for 11 months of winter, and one month infested with black flies, beer and beef burgers deserves to have some fun.

So, it's not surprising in a country where political pluralism and fringe parties are synonymous with freedom to do your own thing, that those crazy Canucks came up with their very own symbol of sillyness.

The Party, (established in 1963 by Quebec author and physician, Jacques Ferron), drew it's inspiration and name from "Cacareco", a Brazilian rhinoceros that won a landslide victory to take a seat on Sao Paulo city council in 1958. His nomination was the result of a prank by several reporters.

The good doctor then delegated his powers to a baby rhinoceros named "Cornelius" (born at Quebec's Granby zoo). When Cornelius was later sent to a zoo in San Diego in trade for a giraffe, the Rhinos were mortified. Using their light-hearted logic they concluded that Cornelius was merely indulging in the Canadian national pastime of cross-border shopping in the U.S., and so move was perhaps a big-spending blessing in disguise.

Rhinos and ripsnorting politicians share a good deal in common, they're thick-skinned, dim-witted, can move as fast as hell when in danger and possess large, hairy horns that protrude from the middle of their faces.

As far what else they share in common...well they do precious little except eat off the fat of the land. As for promises well they're not known for keeping them and platforms they're nothing but preposterous at best and at worst will amount to nothing...nada, not even a hill of beans!

In the game of life, they more often than not seen as a bunch of blowhards, who haven't got a sweet clue how to play by the rules, which is why you'll often see several several rhinos running around in the same riding with the outrageous objective of splitting the silly vote!!

Apparently the Party came on hard times when in 1993 the government of Canada (headed by the Conservative party leader Brian Mulroney) changed the election laws, making it difficult for the rhinos to run in all the ridings unless they agreed to fork over $1,000 per critter for their puckish privilege.

In 1980, the Rhino party garnered 120,000 votes (which only goes to prove that crazy Canucks really do care enough to vote for the best boisterous beasts of burden around)!

The party last ran in a federal election in 1988, fielding 74 candidates. Regrettably, none were elected.

In 2004, Elections Canada, changed the laws again perhaps realizing that trying to herd the current clan of cats in Parliament was a bit of lost cause, and had to admit that rhinos, or for that matter any beast could register and run for political office.

The real question is, why aren't the rhinos running in this federal election? Why aren't the gurus of gray running against those boisterous buffons in blue, red, green, or orange? What do you mean there's no more room in the bog, swamp or quagmire of life for these gentle giants? Stay tuned to the Hindquarters to find out who will win the booby-prize this year!

______________

Image Credit: Albrecht Durer - 1515

How does the Rhinocerous Party Celebrate St. Francis Feast Day? - By collecting peanuts from people to feed the monkeys in office!

_____________

Image Credit: www.photos.com - image# 93024095

"I'm the Rhino! Ain't nothing can hurt me." (Rhino's last words to Spider-Man)

"I'm the Rhino! Ain't nothing can hurt me." (Rhino's last words to Spider-Man)
"I'm the Rhino! Ain't nothing can hurt me." (Rhino's last words to Spider-Man)

The official logo adopted by the Rhinocerous Party of Canada (Albrecht Durer, 1515 - photo courtesy of the British Museum)

The official logo adopted by the Rhinocerous Party of Canada (Albrecht Durer, 1515 - photo courtesy of the British Museum)
The official logo adopted by the Rhinocerous Party of Canada (Albrecht Durer, 1515 - photo courtesy of the British Museum)

"POLITICS IS THE SKILLED USE OF BLUNT OBJECTS".

(Lester B. Pearson, former Canadian Prime Minister, who must have been a rhino in a previous lifetime)

Think what RhinoInk Can Do For You!

"For me, religion is like a rhinoceros: I don't have one, and I'd really prefer not to be trampled by yours. But it is impressive, and even beautiful, and, to be honest, the world would be slightly worse off if there weren't any."

______________

-- Silas Sparkhammer (a San Franciso somebody) --

PROMISES PROMISES PROMISES!

Run Rhino Run!

What would elections be without promises? Everyone knows that anyone who runs for public office uses promises for the purposes of window-dressing, filling airtime in TV commercials, and impressing those who think emporers should always parade about in their best bib and tucker.

Let's face it, there's nothing in the rules that says politicians who make promises have to fill them, so it's not surprising that's why nothing gets done!

This amazing little fact of life inspires rhinos who are keen to keep up the good work of doing nothing plus adding a tiny bit of titillation to these time-tested traditions.

The party's mirthful motto: "We promise to keep none of our promises!"

In the best tradition of puckish pork-barrelling politics, here are a few of their grand if not gratuitous giveaways:

1. Repealing the law of gravity.

2. Paving Manitoba to create the world's largest parking lot.

3. Providing higher education by building taller schools.

4. Instituting English, French and illiteracy as Canada's three official languages.

5. Tearing down the Rocky Mountains so that Albertans could see the Pacific sunset.

6. Making Montreal the Venice of North America by damming the St. Lawrence River.

7. Abolishing the environment because it's too hard to keep clean and it takes up so much space.

8. Annexing the United States, which would take its place as the third territory, after the Yukon and the Northwest Territories (Nunavut did not yet exist) in Canada's backyard, in order to eliminate foreign control of Canada's natural resources.

9. Permitting everyone to smile, smirk, and say cheese for their Canadian passport photos.

10. Paving the Bay of Fundy to create more parking in the Maritimes.

11. Turning Montreal's Saint Catherine Street into the world's longest bowling alley.

12. Adopting the British system of driving on the left; this was to be gradually phased in over five years with large trucks and tractors first, then buses, eventually including small cars and bicycles last.

13. Selling the Canadian Senate at an antique auction in California.

14. Putting the national debt on Visa.

15. Declaring war on Belgium because a Belgian cartoon character, Tintin, killed a rhinoceros in one of the cartoons.

16. Offering to call off the proposed Belgium-Canada war if Belgium delivered a case of mussels and a case of Belgian beer to Rhinoceros "Hindquarters" in Montréal (the Belgian Embassy in Ottawa did, in fact, do this).

17. Painting Canada's coastal sea limits in watercolour so that Canadian fish would know where they were at all times.

18. Banning guns and butter, since both kill.

19. Banning lousy Canadian winters.

20. Renaming the country Nantucket.

21. Building a bridge spanning the country, from Vancouver Island to Newfoundland.

22. Making the Trans-Canada Highway one way only.

23. Changing Canada's currency to bubble gum, so it could be inflated or deflated at will.

24. Donate a free rhinoceros to every aspiring artist in Canada.

25. Counting the 1000 Islands to see if the Americans have stolen any.

___________

Photo Insert Credit: starleneg's photostream on flickr.com

My Solution to the Economic Crisis - Make Funny Money Legal Tender! (Illustration by Pablodr)

My Solution to the Economic Crisis - Make Funny Money Legal Tender! (Illustration by Pablodr)
My Solution to the Economic Crisis - Make Funny Money Legal Tender! (Illustration by Pablodr)

MORE PATENTLY SILLY PROMISES!

Today, voters are constantly complaining that thtey have so little to choose from amongst the myriad of mirthless candidates.

Blogs and forums are full of folks who reminisce about the good old days when they could count on a a ripsnorting rhino to ride herd over all the curious critters in their ridings.

So, to jog the minds of the vapid voting public here are some more promises from the peanut gallery!

1. In Newfoundland, the Rhinos ran a candidate named "The Codfather" who proposed putting rubber sidewalks on George Street, so the drunks wouldn't hurt themselves when they fell."

2. The party felt obliged to offer "the guaranteed annual orgasm" to keep nature-lovers happy.

3. The party also reiterated its pledge to whitewash everything, in particular "to change our national flag to a white dove on a white background".

__________

Photo Insert Credit: RhinoNiki's photostream on flickr.com

How would you recognize a bonified beast of the Rhinoceros Party?

Rhinoceros Party politicians have distintive features and habits:

1. They tend to hang out in groups called "crashes" (on account of the fact they love to crowd into small spaces).

2. They usually sleep either standing up or lying down (whenever the mood strikes them).

3. Often referred to as "party animals", they frequent watering holes on a daily basis.

4. They enjoy browsing, belching, and burping (in no particular order).

5. They have poor eyesight (which is why they keep bumping into bulls in china shops).

6. All are herbivores who leave large piles of dung called "middens" around in order to mark their territory.

7. Although they are thick-skinned, they are sensitive to sunburn and insect bites (which is why they spend most of their time indoors being fed by taxpayers).

8. They have a tusk in the middle of their forehead made of matted hair (which means they won't be winning a beauty contest anytime soon ).

9. They have an extended vocabulary of bellows not to meantion growls and grunts as well as squeaks and snorts.

10. They can run at a pretty fast clip (without the aid of sneakers) and have no natural predators except horrible homo sapiens who don't vote for them.

_____________

Image Credit: Rhinocerous illustration by Bill Mayer@flickr.com

"Politician, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organised society is reared. When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive."

_____________

-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" --

Solution to the Debt Crisis: Auction off Parliament and the Provincial Legislatures to Disney! (Cartoon Credit: Mibaji @flickr.c

Solution to the Debt Crisis: Auction off Parliament and the Provincial Legislatures to Disney! (Cartoon Credit: Mibaji @flickr.c
Solution to the Debt Crisis: Auction off Parliament and the Provincial Legislatures to Disney! (Cartoon Credit: Mibaji @flickr.c

The Harper Song - Steve It's Time to Leave!

"The whole dream of democracy is to raise the proletarian to the level of stupidity attained by the bourgeois."

-- Gustave Flaubert --

Some people are inspired by the Rhino

_____________

Image Credit: Vimrod cartoon created by Ralph Lazar and Lisa Swerling - blogcatalog.com/vimrod6045.jpg

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE RED RHINO! (Image Credit: benefit of hindsight@flickr.com)

HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE RED RHINO! (Image Credit: benefit of hindsight@flickr.com)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM THE RED RHINO! (Image Credit: benefit of hindsight@flickr.com)

SANTA USES A RELIABLE RHINO TO DELIVER ALL HIS CHRISTMAS GIFTS - Frankly, the rhino's tusks terrorize anyone who dares to get in his way.

_____________

Image Credit: chrismadden.co.uk. - 2008/11

The Ripsnorting Rhino Reserve

Big Plush Large Stuffed Rhino Rhinoceros with Mom Tattoo, 24 Inches
Big Plush Large Stuffed Rhino Rhinoceros with Mom Tattoo, 24 Inches

This is a replica of the Ripsnorting Rhino that Santa uses to deliver all those gifts to good girls and boys.

 

I WANT A HIPPOPOTAMUS FOR CHRISTMAS - A RHINO REALLY WON'T DO!

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

Only a hippopotamus will do

I don't want a doll, no dinkey tinker toys

I want a hippopotamus to play with and enjoy,

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

I don't think Santa Claus will mind, do you?

He won't have to use a dirty chimney flue

Just bring him through the front door

That's the easy thing to do.

I can see me now on Christmas morning

Creeping down the stairs

Oh what a joy, Oh what a BIG surprise

When I open up my eyes

To see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

Only a hippopotamus will do

No crocodiles, no rhinosaurus

I only likes hippopotamuses

And hippopotamuses like me, too

(Short Music Interlude)

Mom says the hippo would eat me up, but then

Teacher says a hippo is a vegeterian

There's lots of room for him in our two-car garage

I'd feed him there and wash him there and give him his massager

I can see me now on Christmas morning,

Creeping down the stairs

Oh what a joy and what a BIG surprise

When I open up my eyes

To see a hippo hero standing there

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

Only a hippopotamus will do

No crocodiles or rhinoceroseses

I only like hippopotamuseses

And hippopotamuses like me too!

MISCELLANEOUS MIRTH MERCHANDISE FOR RHINO PARTY LOVERS

Rhino Charm Sterling Silver Jewelry Gift Boxed
Rhino Charm Sterling Silver Jewelry Gift Boxed

The perfect gift for Rhino Party enthusiasts!

 
Electoral Guerilla Theatre: Radical Ridicule and Social Movements
Electoral Guerilla Theatre: Radical Ridicule and Social Movements

For those who want to add a little mirth and mayhem by making pompous political promises and rolling out patently ridiculous political platforms.

 
The Fall of the Republic and Other Political Satires
The Fall of the Republic and Other Political Satires

For Americans who've never heard of Voltaire or Swift, yet adore electoral candidates who sport star-spangled banners not to mention donkey or elephant party politics.

 
Beauty Tips from Moose Jaw: Travels in Search of Canada
Beauty Tips from Moose Jaw: Travels in Search of Canada

For anyone who wants to know why Canada is full of weird and wooly things, a great place get a handle of the puckish politics of the place.

 
Milking the Rhino: Dangerously Funny Lists
Milking the Rhino: Dangerously Funny Lists

Have you ever tried to milk a rhino? Well, if you fail miserably at this skill, then you need to exercise your brain cells with this funny book!

 

PITH AND VINEGAR PARLOUR - Feel free to toss something from the peanut gallery.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image

      Kalungi 2 years ago

      If some people are wliling to put time and money into an ecosystem in order to keep their playing ground usable, why not. It's a deal. It's not an ideal situation but an ideal situation would be a utopia. What's clear is that private property will make for good and likely the only effective protection. It may get violent given the difference in wealth in these regions but, you know, Africans are plenty, Rhinos are scarce (maybe I go a bit too far in my acceptance of free market economy).

    • profile image

      Edutopia 5 years ago

      An entire political party dedicated to political satire, oh you crazy Canuks you.

    • go206th profile image

      go206th 8 years ago

      I really enjoy your combination of facts and humor. Reading your lenses is always a pleasant experience. I hope one day to serve on your royal staff...... 5*