Rules to Ensure that You Have a Happy Springtime
Well it's that time again, springtime. Flowers and trees flourishing in their beautiful colors, bumblebees buzzing, birds singing and just an overall feeling in the air that things are starting anew. What a grand time to be alive.
I hate to say this, but many who were with us last springtime, are sadly, not with us this year simply because they were not aware of certain "Rules That Ensure That You Will Have a Safe and Happy Springtime," like the ones that I will present in a moment.
No one really likes rules, so these are more like loving-suggestions that "I" am revealing to you that I know that you will sure to love because each rule, if followed, will add more years to your life and that means more springtime's, barbecue's, and great times to be had.
Now for a few simple rules about barbecues that will give you more happiness, fun, and peace of mind no matter where you are invited to eat delicious barbecue.
- If you aren't invited to your neighbors' barbecue, invite yourself. Who will tell you to leave? If you start getting harsh looks and women who roll their eyes at you being there, just ask this question in an humble manner, "wasn't this a public barbecue, or a private affair?"
- Agree with everything your host or hostess says. If they like Obama. You like Obama. If they are into swapping martial partners, you "say" you are into swapping martial partners. If you are a barbecue-lover, then there is nothing you will not do to get more of those great burgers, hotdogs, and pork chops. Don't worry. None of your neighbors will check-out your story behind your back.
- Make sure to say that all of the children at this barbecue, no matter who they belong to, are the "cutest," children on the face of the earth. If you make your hostess angry, then you will be asked to leave. That means no tasty barbecue.
- Offer to help your hostess set out the dinnerware or glasses. This tells your hostess that you are a good neighbor and you should have more to eat than the regular neighbors.
- Always pet the family cat or dog if they are at this neighborhood barbecue. An animal-lover is always welcome at every barbecue.
Attention married men:
Girls like this are dangerous
for the mere fact that they can cause you lots of trouble with your sweet wife. Face it. Not many red-blooded men, married or single, do not enjoy the sight of a gorgeous, scantily-clad single girl who shows-up at a neighborhood barbecue. She might be related to the host or hostess, but that is irrelevant. The thing for you to do, men, is to avoid having any contact with her. Do not stand up when she leaves to use the ladies room. Do not embrace her in a bear hug when you are introduced to her. I am telling you here and now. Leave girls like this alone if you want to attend another barbecue in a healthy body.
Notable sights that mean spring is here
More general rules to help you enjoy springtime
- If you over-indulge in beer-drinking with your neighbors, do not take a foolish dare from them and play in the traffic that runs near their home.
- Do not partake in a dangerous eating contest. So what if you can eat more bowls of ice cream than Harry, the milkman? Is it worth dying from a brain-freeze?
- Please to not get tipsy and make suggestive remarks to the pretty wives who are at this barbecue.
- Do not jump onto the main dining table and start doing your Chippendale Dancer impression. Honestly, your body isn't what it used to be when you were in college.
- Stay-clear of testosterone-fueled contests such as see which man can hit the hardest. It is definitely not you because you are not a day-laborer like Bill, the cement worker who is in great shape.
- Keep your mouth shut when it comes to bragging about your home, job, and sex life. None of these areas of your life merits an award.
- Do not try to play pranks on the other barbecue guests such as pretending not to know that the can you picked up is a gasoline can that your host uses to put gasoline in his riding mower. But you try to fool your friends by turning the can up to your lips and actually take a swig of gasoline and then try to get a laugh by saying, "uhhh, thought this was lemonade."
- Do not volunteer to play, "Pin The Tale on Dale," and your name just happens to be Dale.
- Yelling at neighbors across the street is not a good idea. They might be visiting from Iran and yelling in their land is a sign of hatred and the next thing is a feud.
- If your host has a beautiful pool, just sit and watch the other guests dive in and have fun. You are not a good swimmer or proficient on the high-diving board. The last time you tried to dive off of the board into the pool you missed and almost crushed your head on the side of the pool.
- Do not play the old college beer-drinking game, "Chug-a-Lug," because you are not a young man anymore. You are married with a mortgage, an unhappy wife and two rebellious kids.
- Making prank calls to people and the police is definitely on the "not do do" list. No one really wants to "pony-up," to pay your bail.
- Do not start telling fictitious war stories simply because you were never anywhere near a war of any kind. Your military service consisted of you making sure that your company received their mail on time.
And with these rules being published, you have no excuse to not have a Safe and Happy Springtime!