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Screw The Chicken In Every Pot, We Need A Gay In Every Family

Updated on January 21, 2010


In Herbert Hoover’s 1928 campaign for the White House he was quoted as saying, “A chicken in every pot and a car in every garage.” He was alluding to the fact that under his leadership the country would be so prosperous that the above would become a reality for all Americans. Well, yesterday in the lawsuit against California’s Prop 8, after reading the testimony from San Diego Mayor, Jerry Saunders, it occurred to me that while we still have plenty of people hungry (and without cars or now even garages to put a car in) what we really need is to get a gay into every home. Screw the chicken in every pot, we need a gay in every family! – Don’t Get Me Started!

Mayor Jerry Saunders ran for mayor stating that he would veto any proposition that crossed his desk to allow same sex marriages but when his own daughter came out he realized that he had been prejudiced and “I was saying one group of people did not deserve the same symbolism of marriage, and I was saying their marriages were less important than those of heterosexuals.” Although we gays have been saying this loud and clear for some time now, we have to remember that the straightees (and especially straight white men) are not very good at understanding human rights of anyone that doesn’t look just like them. (No matter how hypocritical they are as they attend church and talk a lot about Jesus loving everyone.) I applaud Mayor Saunders for not vetoing the legislation and for him testifying in this landmark case but it would seem to me that we gays should use this as a wakeup call.

Although having a politician’s child come out doesn’t always ensure us changing their white straightee male minds (look at Mary Cheney and Dick – appropriately named) it couldn’t hurt either. But what we need to do is get a gay in every household, not just in politicians’ households. Sure there may be some “visiting” gays as decorators on cousins on your wife’s side of the family in for a visit but what we need are honest to goodness gays in residence to get where we want to go.

So here’s what I think we should do. First of all, I think there are a lot of gays all ready in place but like some futuristic microchip that some villain who wants to take over the world uses to “activate” his minions, we need to start “activating” the latent gays. While I know many gays have tried in the past to “activate” gays who claimed to be straight by sucking it out of them, giving them blowjobs and having sex with supposedly straight guys, this is obviously just not working. So boys, while I applaud your efforts I’m here to tell you that for the most part you’re not making gays realize they need to come out so much as you are acting like a slut at a frat party. Hey, I’m not here to judge, if it makes you happy go for it but we have a cause to get across and your lips could be used for the cause instead of just giving some closeted guy some pleasure who afterward will tell you how you seduced him and he was “so fucked up” he really doesn’t remember you taking his behind from behind!

Look, I abhor people who “out” other people, I think everyone should come out in their own time but I just want the gays who tell everyone they’re not gay who are reading this (and soon after deleting their online surfing history from their computer) to know that if you ever thought of coming out, now is the time. Now is the time for all gay men to come to the aid of their country. (Not original but it will work.) And remember straightees, look on the bright side, once we gays have identify ourselves it will make it easier for you to know who to pray for. Even though once we’ve got one in every house we’re going to take over the world (insert menacing laugh here). We gays have tried to show you straightees who live in fear of gays that we’re just like you, moving in and cleaning up your neighborhoods but apparently it’s just not enough, apparently we need to actually move into your home like your child who graduated college and can’t find a job so they’ve moved back home. The benefits of having a gay in your home are too many to list here but rest assured that just like we helped increase your property values by moving into the neighborhood, the same will be true about your personal life once we’re in your very walls. Think how easy it will be. No more wondering whether or not that sofa needs another throw pillow. No more wondering the appropriate wine for that dinner to impress your boss. And no more having to say, “Do you know Ashley? Well her cousin is one of them there gays! Can you believe it?” (insert shrill laughter here) No, once we’re in every home you won’t have to do so much talking behind our backs and eventually you’ll realize that we’re human beings just like you (only a little better) and that we deserve equal rights when it comes to not only our daily lives but in the current laws on the books that exclude us or strive make us second class citizens. Screw the chicken in every pot, we need a gay in every family! – Don’t Get Me Started!

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    • earnestshub profile image

      earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

      Very enjoyable read. I am a straight white guy as you probably know, but I agree with your generalisation depicting us as homophobic. True enough as a broad rule!

      I have a few gay family members and friends.

      I agree, let's have a gay in every home!