Simple Ways to Freak-Out Most State Troopers
Alaskan State Trooper calling-in your tag number
Never try to out-run the Troopers
Talk about shameful
I wonder sometimes at the amount of negative press that has been thrown at State Troopers. It has to be a horrific-number of asinine stories, foolish things said in letters to editor(s), exaggerated tales written by citizens who never wrote an intelligent story in their lives, and then more front-page smearings on the front pages of newspapers that seemingly were locked, loaded and ready to fire at just the right time when (the) State Trooper in the story made a minor mistake. Ripping State Troopers, as well as the local police, is the new national pastime, didn’t you know?
And the editor and writer of “this” “Jackass Journalism,” have never erred in his life? I never knew that perfection wore three-piece suits, smoked four-dollar and seventy-five cent cigars and had his office on the top floor with an imitation gold nameplate that reads . . .”Jim Golford, II, publisher,” as it this added more quo to his status.
State Trooper, Dan Borecki doing his job
A fearful sight
A Grand Rapids, Michigan Trooper investigating a speeding violation
I had best settle down, chill and refocus on the subject of my story: “How to Freak-Out Most State Troopers,” and tell you up-front that this story does not have any, na-da, none, no, no, a thousand times, no, mentions, suggestions, lurid ideas of guns, spray paint, passing gas cushions, soap, and a few dozen eggs, so do not pre-judge me before the end of this offering. Personally, I have no “axe to grind” with any State Trooper or the local authorities.
All State Troopers are human. Made of flesh and blood. Apt to err, mistakes and snap-decisions that went bad. I have known this for years, while a few of my old friends somehow tried to make these guys and girls in blue stand high on some marble pedestal and when they, (the Troopers), wave their hand, the traffic parts like the Red Sea.
To be around “these” friends of mine and hear them regale you of a few hundred synonymous tales about a Trooper literally flying in Superman-style through inferno’s caused by six exploding gasoline tanks on a tractor-trailer rig sending the driver, one “Dave R. Windell,” Route three, Saltillo, Ms., flying into a huge catfish pond and what made this fiasco worse . . .”Windell,” never learned to swim. But, according to “these” windbag friends, the Trooper taught “Windell,” how to dog paddle while whisking him across the catfish lake.
This is how to act when you are "blue-lighted"
I would give this girl "just" one warning
A Las Vegas trooper on the job
Lt. Jack Tibbs, Ohio State Trooper checks speed of cars on the interstate
Troopers do not want to be idolized
“He, (talking of the State Trooper), didn’t stop once,” commented, “Dewey Perpack,” a resident of Gulfport, who was visiting his Army buddy, “Bob Shepperd,” who lived about two miles from where the tractor-trailer rig exploded. “He just flew right through the lake like a Kingfisher looking for a fish, taking ‘Windell’ in his arms landing on the bank of the giant lake as dry as my boxer shorts.”
And these “gassed-up” tales my friends tell over and over, were all told to them by a passerby from out of state, I think it was a pet store supply salesperson, who just happened to get into a conversation with these “vacuum mouth,” friends of mine while filling his Nissan with High Octane gas. You see, the sad part of all this mini-essay, these friends of mine will believe anything a stranger lets come out of his or her mouth. I would guess that these friends were behind the now-famous “Second Shooter Theory,” that innocently-cropped-into several investigations and reports written about if Lee Harvey Oswald was acting alone when he shot JFK.
These friends cannot be trusted.
All that State Troopers want is to be respected and treated like a human being. They do not work for loud praise, hard pats on their backs, or free lunches at Ruby Tuesday’s. They just want to go to work, do their shift, enforce the law as best possible, then get home to their doting wife and kids and relax. This, my friends, is all any State Trooper wants in four sentences.
Do State Troopers ever laugh, or have a sense of humor? Yes. And yes. Why shouldn’t they laugh, and have a sense of humor? Believe me, and I have watched enough “COPS: in Charleston, S.C.” enough to know that some things these guys investigate is laughable. And some calls they answer are just plain stupid. So stupid in fact that the guilty parties couldn’t get hired to work for Barnum-Bailey Circus as a trained hippo (wearing a rubber suit designed by America’s friend: GoodYear.)
A New York Trooper is on the case
Now this is a landmine-of-a-question: “Do State Troopers ever pull pranks on each other?” Sure. When they are off-duty in their respective locker rooms. Haven’t you seen those State Trooper shows where someone slips an inflatable mule inside the locker of “Jodie,” the rookie, who loves to be razzed by the veteran Troopers because he feels a part of the squad—sure, State Troopers pull pranks on each other.
My story title today is . . .”Ways to Freak Out a State Trooper,” and I must tell you by way of a disclaimer, these items in my story (below), are all harmless, clean, and pose no threat or injury to the State Trooper who you are pranking and absolutely NO alcohol, firearms, illegal drugs are to be used in the pranks. Thank you. Kenneth.
Pennsylvania State Troopers
State Trooper Rick Scott
Tennessee Motorcycle Trooper
Writing tickets are just one of the jobs a State Trooper does everyday
Even big rig operators get speeding tickets occasionally
Use these "fun pranks" with wisdom and discretion
- Have a hot pizza in the box on the front seat when you get the blue light from a State Trooper. When he gives you the “license and registration, please,” have it ready for him and continue to chew like a hungry bovine. Ask the Trooper, “You had lunch yet, sir?” He will be all-business. “No, sir. Have you been drinking, sir?” You of course say, “No sir. Don’t touch the stuff.”
- “You know why I pulled you over, sir?” The Trooper will ask getting a bit frustrated—while you still munch the pepperoni. You shake your head “no,” because you really don’t know. “Step out of the car, sir?” and you do that very smoothly. In all honesty, you will receive a breathalyzer test to see if you have been “busting the suds,” and when you pass the test, the Trooper might say, “You were right. You are not drinking.” Then you say, “I never said I was sir.” Followed by the real prank: “I just love to eat fresh pizza mixed with marijuana, sir.” He will throw you against the car and probably test you for this “hippy act,” but start laughing and let the poor guy off the hook.
- When the Trooper pulls you over, speak to him as if you are from the hill country and only say words you say slur and grunt while speaking. Do not crack a smile when you are answering his questions. Yes, the “are you drinking, sir?” Is coming and let him test you for alcohol. When you pass, clear your throat and then go back to using your normal voice. If the Trooper should ask why you spoke so strangely when he met you just tell him that State Troopers make you fearful and scared.
- Hold a stone-face stare at the Trooper, not an angry stare and do this while answering his every question. When he looks off, bat your eyes. See how long it is before he asks if your eyes are okay.
- If you see a Trooper’s blue light, smear a Hershey’s bar on your mouth and all around your mouth. Do not act funny and see if the Trooper doesn’t get suspicious. If he should ask why the chocolate bar is all around your mouth, just answer, “I am a terrible eater. I miss my mouth a lot.” The Trooper will feel pity on you.
- Have a big stuffed bunny on your front seat and as the Trooper is asking you questions, suddenly snap, “This is ‘Bushy,’ the bunny and you can’t have him. Yes, the Trooper may be making a call for some psychiatric workers to come to talk with you. Cooperate fully with them; be normal; and talk sensibly. “I sure did tell this officer that the bunny, “Bushy,” was mine and he couldn’t have him because I was taking “Bushy” to my little nephew and besides, I am a very protective person.” The Trooper will let you go, but what a story he has for his pals at lunch.
- When a Trooper pulls you over and goes through with the license inspection, then takes I ton himself to ask you to step out of the car so he can search it for illegal drugs or alcohol, start a serious conversation about why he became a trooper? What is his wife’s name? Did he graduate college? And on and on. Explain to him that you are a lonely man and just needed a small amount of friendly talk.
- When the State Trooper is asking you the normal questions, look past him and yell, “Hey, you! Get outta those woods!” The Trooper will ask who you are yelling at, and you reply, “Aww, that old Sasquatch always butting-in where he ain’t needed.” This will guarantee you a breath-test that you will pass.
- Use a foreign accent such as Canadian to answer the Trooper’s points of interest. “You been drinking, sir?” “No, eh! Do not touch the demon rum, eh!” You say. The Trooper will be amazed at your accent. But do not be too cute.
- If you sense that the State Trooper is in a jovial mood, ask him, “Will this take long? I am late to lay on my couch and nap all evening,” and see if he laughs.
- This is my favorite prank . . .
- When the Trooper asks you roll down the window, you already have it down. Have your license, insurance proof and registration ready to hand to the officer. While he is looking at your information, you know that you were not speeding, so ask him, “How much is my ticket? Hey, I was pushing the envelope a bit, and no, I am not Tom Cruise in Top Gun, so officer, could you tell me how much exactly this will cost me?” See how the officer reacts when he tells you “nothing,” it was only a routine stop.
- When the Trooper is questioning you as to why you were going over the speed limit, talk like the robot who was seen on “Lost in Space.” He signature remark was, “Danger, Will Robinson!” “Danger, Will Robinson!” Although you might get just a warning, you have given the Trooper a good laugh.
- Ask the State Trooper who is running your license if you can lay down for awhile in his back seat because he suddenly feel light-headed.
- Plead with the Trooper who stopped you and after inspecting you, your background and other areas of interest, ask him to drive you to where you were going. If he asks why, just answer, “I am so nervous now about driving that I do not trust myself. I will pay a towing company to come and pick-up my car.”
Coming soon . . .”Ways to Be Your Neighborhood’s Center of Attention.”
Remember my question: Do State Troopers have fun? The photo is answer enough
This is my great pal, David Richards and his lovely wife, Dianne
David and I worked together from 2000 until 2001 at an FM radio station (with an Oldies format) in Winfield, Ala., a scant 21 miles from my hometown of Hamilton, Ala.
David and I became good friends in record-time. He was our Operations Manager and knew radio backwards and forwards. David designed a popular radio program for this station, WKXM, that is till running today: "Pigskin Round-up," that ran on Friday nights from 9 to 12 p.m. where we read that night's local football scores. David would interview coaches, players and anyone connected with our local football teams.
He gave me a rather unusual task called: "The Concession Stand Report," where I would take a cassette tape recorder and interview various concession stand volunteers and find out things such as: "Is there a pension plan in place for concession stand workers?" And other humorous things.
Then one day, David said that he wanted something more out of a job, not that he didn't love radio, but with a wife and two small children (who are young adults now), his salary was not enough although his wife, Dianne, was a school teacher in the Winfield City School Sytesm.
Long story short. David did the unthinkable: He applied and was accepted into being an Alabama State Trooper, uniform and all. David does not know that I am doing this for I want it to be a surprise. He taught me so much about radio and was such a good friend, that I told him, "David, one day, I will do something for you."
And here it is.
Actual newspaper ad about Pigskin Round-up--see David (on left) handing football off to me?
Due credit for above ad
goes to Les Walters, another friend of mine, who is the managing editor of the Journal Record where I worked for 23 yeqrs. Walters designed this ad for the radio station, WKXM-FM, Winfield, Al., where David and I worked.
Tracy Estes, then-staffwriter, and Winfield resident, was good enough to meet David and I at Estes Hudson Stadium in Winfield to snap this photo of us for the ad. Tracy is now the news editor of the Journal Record.
A very-belated "Thanks," Les and Tracy.