ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Stop Silencing Domestic Violence Survivors

Updated on March 2, 2016
Silenced Lips
Silenced Lips | Source

An Announcement: Domestic violence is not an unknown issue.

It's not a recently made popular subject covered by the news. Society has known it happens for quite some time, now. Nonetheless, those who don't have to deal with it in their lives, past or present, have the luxury of turning off the television, radio, or computer. Those of us who live it or did live it, on the other hand, don't have that option. Sure, some can tune it out, but we never truly heal that way. No one heals by never facing the past.

How do you know you've healed?

In my experience, it means you've accepted what happened. You may or may not necessarily be in a better place, but you don't keep expecting the past to change. It's never going to. I realize this isn't what society thinks of healing. They think this means we're new people, and we're all better. Well, I'm not one to believe that anyone can be entirely better after traumatic experiences like that. As long as you've lived through it, and moved on with your life, that's as close as you'll get. Expecting to be as perfect as someone who never went through it is a bit impossible in my book. I know society expects me to be able to say I love my dad, now; otherwise, I must not be "healed." Well, no, I don't love him because he never loved me—Not for a single day.

Society and Parents

Over the years, I can't recount how many times I have been told or heard someone say, "We're supposed to love our parents, unconditionally." I have never agreed with this idea. It's a toxic concept that stems from Abrahamic religions. Aside from the oppressive power put upon parents as leaders we never chose, there is the obvious binary effect. Even if just one parent is abusive, as in my case, society feels there is something lacking if both aren't present. That was certainly how the judge felt when handling my parents' divorce. He told my mom that even if one is abusive, children fair better when both are part of their kids' lives. I happen to disagree, again. The only thing my father ever gave me was financial support, and even that was against his will. I could have dealt without the extra stress, anger, and depression throughout my life had he never been there to play mind-games to make himself look like he hadn't been abusing me since I was a toddler. Imagine how much happier a kid I could have been without that.

Being a domestic violence survivor taught me about life, early on.

Hell, most adults I've known don't accept the real world. They want and expect their chosen family life to be the one part that's not going to be complicated, like it's owed to them. They assume the wedding and marriage will be equally as uncomplicated. They think if they say "I'm never getting divorced" they won't want or need to, someday. A marriage becomes a life goal rather than to be self-sufficient—which, by the way, can save anyone going through a divorce or anything, really.

Advice doesn't work.

I don't know what I'm going to do if one more person responds to being told I'm a domestic violence survivor with "You should wait until you've known someone for longer because most people are uncomfortable with that." Do they honestly think I haven't known this? Do they honestly think they're the first to suggest this? I have some news: I knew before the first person ever advised this when I was probably a pre-teen. I've been open about it for as long as I can remember, and I've never been ashamed or felt a need to wait to share. It's my life. It may not be pretty, but it's what I know. Experience of abuse is rarely short-lived. For me, it lasted almost twenty-five years. For many, it's eighteen because they're waiting to be able to legally move out.

The Advice We Don't Receive

Taking this into consideration, how are we supposed to talk about ourselves? Are we supposed to tell the pleasant stories, leaving out the abusive parts like they never happened? Then, when some time passes and we wonder if a friend will accept us for being survivors, casually mention, "Oh, by the way, all of those nice stories actually came with lies, manipulation, and/or physical violence." Is this how we're supposed to express ourselves to make others comfortable hearing about the abusive pasts we never chose to live?

High School Year Book
High School Year Book | Source

A Surprising Reaction

One day, in High School, I had a particularly bad experience that had to do with my dad. He had said some ridiculous things to a teacher during a meeting which set me off. When I returned to class, I was furious. I vented about what had happened and how I felt. Once I had calmed down, I was a bit ashamed of myself for being so angry, but one of the assistant teachers actually complimented me on how I spoke! She told me how much she admired my ability to express myself so easily. She told me she had a difficult childhood as well with her parents, but it took many years of therapy to learn to speak frankly like I just had. I still remember that moment, over ten years later.

Safe Haven: No Emotion is Wrong

From a young age, others have always confided in me because I allow them to talk about topics that are considered "taboo" to their other friends. My past and the way my mom raised me has made me compassionate; especially, towards fellow abuse survivors. I feel their pain and tell them how wrong it is that they were treated that way, usually with an angry tone, directed at those wronging the person, rather than a "poor you" tone. Personally, it always annoys me when others use the "poor you" tone. I want to signal that they have a voice against their abusers, whether they know it or not. Anger is always seen as a wrong emotion, even when it's understandable. Personally, I think it's healthier for someone to let out whatever emotion they're feeling; especially, as someone with years of experience being silenced for her own honesty.

© 2016 social thoughts


Submit a Comment

  • social thoughts profile imageAUTHOR

    social thoughts 

    2 years ago from New Jersey

    Aw, thank you, Bill. I appreciate your friendship and support so very much. :)

  • billybuc profile image

    Bill Holland 

    2 years ago from Olympia, WA

    This is an epidemic in this country and I agree, it must be talked about, and survivors must be given their voices and allowed to speak out....I love that you take on the important issues....keep ringing that bell, Kailey!


This website uses cookies

As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

Show Details
HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)