Stop the Wine Press—Subcultural Wine Reviews for the Holidays
Commentary From Your Libertarian Opinionizer
The holiday season is full of fun, family, festivities and, sadly, political correctness, intolerance and social triggering.
For centuries the self-anointed Wine Snobs were the gatekeepers of all things oenological. They told us that red wine goes with red meat and white wine goes with whitefish and white chicken breast.
Not only are we instructed as to which wine is correct for the occasion—does a wine from Brest go best with a turkey breast? What do you decant for a Santa's Day soirée? What is a quality quaff for Kwanzaa?—but we continue our angst over who we are and where we belong in the grand political-social-cultural wine list of things.
After all, a petite young radical Feminist would no more sip Mad Dog 20/20 than an aging white eyebrowed captain of industry would deign to incline a bottle of Ripple Red.
But we got over that. We began drinking whatever with whatever wherever whenever.
We were also told that rosé is for uncouth youth who can't decide between red or white, but we got over that too.
Book Break: Your Libertarian Opinionizer’s Pick
You won’t find Alzheimer-Geezer Blank or Libertarian Lambrusco listed here but if you want to know the difference between Burgundy and Bordeaux you need a good, simple, easy to read reference book like this one.
For example, it has graphics like “flavor wheels” that inform your taste buds about various flavors found in each particular wine and a “Profile graphic” that shows the amount of fruit, body, tannin, acidity and alcohol in your favorite glass of vino.
A good holiday gift for beginners. Just don’t read the book reviews; they’re all arrogant opinions decanted by wine snobs.
Socially Tasteless Wine Tasting
But snobbishness in anything dies hard. Today we live in a world of identity politics, where quaffing the unvetted vino may be a major faux pas in our chosen sociopolitical milieu. (See? Snobbishness is contagious).
As stated on winefolly.com, the Wine Folly book’s own website, “At its heart wine is a beverage best enjoyed in the company of others.” Most people, perhaps more now than ever before, prefer to enjoy their wine only in the company not of some other’s subculture but only others of their own subculture. As long as that holds true this article attempts to bring “Mine and Wine” together.
The following wine reviews are therefore presented as a public service for those needing guidance through the vineyards of life and to help people find their way to a safe haven from the culture wars and the political spin—for defining their own safe space for spacing out.
TRIGGER WARNING: All wines on this list should be tasted with a palate thoroughly cleansed of artificial indignation and feigned offense and with a tongue firmly fitted into cheek. These are witty wine reviews, not whimpery whine reviews.
Wines Missed From Most Lists
Wine Folly Quote: “Wine is an alcoholic beverage made with fermented grapes.”
Libertarian Opinionizer Quote: “Wine is an alcoholic beverage made to separate the snobs from the slobs.”
Alzheimer-Geezer Blank 1953 (Vintage Vineyards) This AARP approved sipping wine features a heavy presence of prune and elderberry with the acidic bite of crabapple with Granny Smith nose. It's an old traditional tipple with macerated skins and thinning hair of the dog, heavily fortified with preserves, well fermented and aged with a 65-year maturation period. Good choice as a dining companion with beef jerky and tough old birds, but has little structure, no complexity, not much grip and devoid of character. Doesn't seem to improve with the years but should be kept in the cellar anyway.
Partie de Jaqasse Democratique (Blue State Estates) This deep purple port ("port" being a nautical term for "Left") with its bright berry nose and pretentious name makes it the darling of Blue State statists. Made of earthy recycled lees from a wide diversity of free range organic grapes, some tangy, some spicy, some acidic, some prickly and tart, all vie aggressively, and oppressively, for attention on the collective palate. With great complexity but little structure this hard to characterize wine may find its full-flavored body politic bent over a wine barrel.
Wine Folly Quote: “A great wine and food pairing creates synergy together on your tastebuds.”
Libertarian Opinionizer Quote: “A great wine and mind pairing creates synergy together in your self-identity.”
Wine of Glory (Grapes of Wrath Vineyard and Christian Gift Shop) This 100% All American unfermented Republican Red State wine is a bright ruby-red with hints of strawberry Jell-O and a heavy whiff of old oaken bucket. Once touted for its richness and character, but now lacking structure and balance, this label, while boring, is still perfect with white bread or communal wafers.
Ruby di Begonia Chianti (Black Caucus Winery) An Incredible waxy dark licorice, both sassy and strong. Juicy blackberry flavors dominate this earthy full-bodied entry, recalling lush sloe-eyes and a substantial dose of smoky ebony. Shows a rush of upfront raspberry red sweetness that comes soft to the lips. Delivers ripe black booty fullness and firm black plums, smooth and round. Chocolate nuances appear in the finish. A wine with a feisty peppercorn attitude that is hard to resist.
Libertarian Labrusca (Free Will Winery) A magnificent blend of the best and boldest of the red and blue fruits of the vintner's endeavor, creating a uniquely personal experience. Great strength and character with a complexity and structure that allows each individual flavor and scent to pique the palate and nuzzle the nose. Not just for sipping and tasting, this wine of wines demands a joyous consumption by everyone everywhere as long as nobody else's grapes get trampled. Best quaffed with gusto at the Feast of Freedom.
More From the Wine Seller’s Wine Cellars
Wine Folly Quote: “It contains practical knowledge that is immediately useful to help you find and enjoy better wine.”
Libertarian Opinionizer Quote: “Once found all you need is to pair that wine to your own mind.”
Fruit of the Bloom (Girlie Girl Grapevine Vintners) A fruity foo-foo feminine Frontignac bursting with pungent herbal flavors, nuances of potpourri, floral notes and herbal aromas reposing shy on the nose. Perfect choice for a gentleman on a cheap date with a chippy swathed in sensual musk eagerly awaiting the pop of her cork.
Lance et Bruce (Gayfellers Cellars) A limp wine featuring definite fruity notes, spicy yet demure, with a hint of playful gooseberry. Vibrant, it fills the mouth with superior length. It's rich and creamy flavors spread broadly across the palate for a firm, fruity finish. Aromas of nosegay make this the perfect companion of succulent tenderloins and butt steaks.
Biomass Blanc (Sustainable Vineyards) Lovingly hand pressed from free-range green grapes grown on vertical slopes to minimize the carbon footprint, this recycled Riesling captures the true meaning of au naturale with its pungent hint of vine rot, field fungus nose and organic compost finish. Juicy insect larval flavors dominate this earthy full-bodied entry, recalling lush ecologically beneficial nematodes and a substantial dose of smoky dry rot oak. Packaged in salvaged, vintage Nehi Grape beverage bottles from the 1950s and delivered by bicycle, this rising star of the socially savvy is the world's first truly environmentally correct fruit of the sour yet ever renewable grapevine.
Wine Folly Quote: “Why Do You Hold a Wine Glass at the Stem?”…“No greasy hand prints on the bowl.”
Libertarian Opinionizer Quote: “Why Do You Hold Wine firmly with both hands?”…”To keep it from slipping out of the paper bag when you swig it.”
Twin Peaks Pinot (Playboy Private Label) This is a ripe, robust nineteen-year-old Californian with cherry notes, firmly structured full-bodied profile with smooth texture, quite soft and rounded, bursting with the allure of succulent melons and subtle passion fruit nuances with a hint of tartness. Perfect nose, great legs. Convenient screw cap makes this one a no-brainer. Ideal companion for spicy breast of chick on a bed of rice. Has the class and breeding, if not the complexity, of more celebrated reds from the Valley
Libertarian House Brand (Fringe Fields Fermentory) This little-known label from a marginalized vintner has offered many a wine novice their first liberating taste of sovereignty. It's a bold, individualistic burst of flavor that breaks free of Old World tyranny to tantalize the tongue with fiery oratory, seduce the nose with scents of personal efficacy and finishes with a sensual surge of free will. Once tasted, never forgotten, this entry was preferred by 0.40% of voters in the last presidential taste test.
As understood by many a grandee of the grape some will find the flavors that linger on the lips after the wine is tasted are very much to their liking. This is the “aftertaste,” considered the most important factor in judging a wine's character and quality. Great wines have rich, long, complex aftertastes.
But as understood by many an uncompromising social commentator some will find these wine reviews to be in disfavor as these writings mingle in the mind. This is the pungent “in bad taste” that all too many use to judge the character and quality of others with whom they ideologically disagree.
So, at the very least during this holiday season of fun, family, festivities and, sadly, political correctness, intolerance and social triggering, let us hope that those of good cheer, good humor and good companionship will prevail.
Let “Live Laugh Love” linger on the lips of all.
References and Links
The Story of Wine Politics A Wine Economist’s book review that shows the intertwine of wine in the US with politics, economics, wealth, power, science, tradition, religion and environmentalism along with old Prohibitionist Era regulations dictating who can buy what wine where and when.
Annual Wine and Libertarian Celebration If you’re a California Libertarian and you missed the yearly LP get-together in October, fear not. Start planning now for the Lucky 13th Wine and Liberty event here with contact info via organizer’s name, phone, email and website. It’s about fun & freedom, not hate & harangue.
Anarchy Wine Co. And just so anarchist libertarians don’t feel left out there is a real “Anarchy Wine Company” in Paso Robles, California that features a 2016 Anarchy red blend wine with a 2018 vintage just released. Depending on where you live you can order a bottle or a case online.
New to libertarianism and the Zero-Aggression Principle? From “The Basics” to “Morality and Law” to many ideas in between you can jump in and learn about the voluntary post-statist concept of “governance” as opposed to coercive “governments.”