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Summers Lovin’

Updated on August 9, 2013
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Dear Mr. Summers,

I have been following and admiring your economist, educator, and pundit careers for years. I look forward to your tenure as chair of the Federal Reserve where you can do for the Fed what you did for the world of investment banking and derivatives.

Despite the fact that you are the top choice by admitted socialist Barack Obama to run the Federal Reserve, I whole-heartedly support you. I like your dislike of regulations. I like that you have no relationship with the poor, as Socialist Cornell West says. The poor people should have nothing to do with your economic decisions, and they don’t. If they knew what was good for them, they wouldn’t be poor.

With the New York Times coming down on you so hard, I look on you as a brother in arms. With all those ignorant, liberal economists and academics hating you with facts and statistics, I like you even more.

Even your old boss, former friend and great Republican, President Clinton, has turned against you. He even said the derivatives market that you helped create was a mistake. How can it be a mistake when you and I made millions off of the market?

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Your model of unrestrained capitalism is too good for world, but the poor don’t have the sense to realize its benefits. You are helping banks improve their position in the world and create wealth, which they spread into the American economy in portions it can handle. The piles of cash held in reserve in offshore accounts amounts to about $32 trillion dollars. As soon as the nation can handle it, we will use some of that money to create a few jobs. But for now, we can’t risk that money. If we did spend some of our lucre creating actual tangible items, the stack could dwindle from trillions down to mere billions of dollars.

As head of the Federal Reserve, you will unleash prosperity upon the public by wise monetary policy. Your work with Rubin and Greenspan helping commercial banks become investment banks is a tribute to your foresight as an economic expert. Letting banks leverage their deposits in acquiring risky assets is the height of brilliance. What could go wrong? It’s not the banks' fault that people were convinced to purchase mortgages they couldn't afford.

It’s also not your fault that $648 billion was lost in income, $73 billion was spent bailing out the banks, $3.4 trillion in real estate went up in smoke, $7.4 trillion in stock market wealth evaporated, and 5.5 million jobs disappeared during the 2008 crisis. Hedge funds managers, those that bet against these investments, did quite well, and I thank you Chairman Summers.

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I hope you get the chance to do for America what you did for Harvard. With your economic theories and derivatives genius at work, you helped Harvard invest their money and lose only $1.8 billion at a time when many people lost a lot more.

You are a master of deregulation. And don’t worry that it didn’t work out well with the housing market in 2008. Stick to your guns. Your friends made millions despite that collapse, and that is why you are qualified to run the Federal Reserve. You can make millions when others are losing their shirts.

You are undaunted in your belief in the free market, willfully ignoring the illogic of human nature and the propensity of humans to cheat. You believe the market is free, even when you are gaming it. You make the stock market a win-win situation for derivatives investors and hedge funds, and that is why I admire you so much.

And a special thanks for fighting against a bigger economic bailout for our nation that would have burdened us with more debt and reduced the desperation of workers. The banks already got their TARP bailout, and that was all that we needed to get the economy back on track. Giving financial assistance to homeowners, cities and workers would just show our weakness and hurt the value of our stock market.

You parlayed your work as Obama’s cheif economic advisor into serveral big paydays. Because of your exemplary work ethic, working one day a week, you made $5.2 million off of a hedge fund called DE Shaw. And after working for President Obama giving him financial advice, you received 2.7 million in speaking fees from banks the U.S. government bailed out. Thanks for showing the way to so many others.

Most of all, thank you for helping repeal Glass-Steagall, which allowed Citibank to purchase Travelers and then invest in all sorts of hedge funds and derivatives and risk investors pensions and deposits. I owned stock in Citibank, and you worked at Citibank, and that partnership made you $17 million and me a new house in the Riviera. Thank you. The Glass-Steagall repeal also help other banks make chancy investments with other people’s money.

Finally, any friend of Ayn Rand is a friend of mine. That is why I am all in for your nomination, Chairman Summers. Like the megabanks you helped create, you are too big to fail.

Peace,
Tex Shelters

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    • texshelters profile image
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      texshelters 4 years ago from Mesa, Arizona

      Thanks!

      PTxS

    • texshelters profile image
      Author

      texshelters 4 years ago from Mesa, Arizona

      Thanks!

      PTxS

    • forbcrin profile image

      Crin Forbes 4 years ago from Michigan

      Thank you Tex, I needed a laugh, however painful it is!

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      Sooner28 4 years ago

      Haha. Great satire! Isn't weird a "socialist" president would appoint such a capitalist fed chairman?