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Tex Does L.A.

Updated on June 21, 2012
Nightmare in Hollywood
Nightmare in Hollywood | Source

After the happy respite of conservative San Diego, with its strict border enforcement, adherence to laws, and an abundance of immigrant yard workers and nannies, I got into my limo and made my way up the coast to Los Angeles, sin city of Southern, California.

After arriving in L.A, I braved an Occupy L.A. (OLA) meeting. In order to infiltrate group, I put on my chauffeur’s disguise. Dressed as my driver, T.J. Snodgrass, I listened to all sorts of filth at the meeting.

I listened to occupiers who seemed more concerned about the people of Japan than our own nuclear energy needs. We should not have a meltdown in the face of Japan’s nuclear catastrophe. So, Prime Minister Yoshihiko Noda has worked out the politics to restart the failed reactors in Japan. What’s the big deal? If Japan, meaning the Prime Minister and the Parliament, want to gamble lives using nuclear plants that are on a fault line and previously melted down, why should we care and why should their prime minister listen to the Japanese people anyway?

I cringed when girly-men at the OLA meeting talked about fighting the so-called “war” on women. Not only were these men involved in class warfare against the billionaires who have made this nation great by creating wealth for themselves, they are engaging in gender warfare against downtrodden men who have been held back since the founding fathers birthed this nation.

And I rolled my eyes into the back of my forehead when OLA talked about working with people on skid row to help them better their lives. If people on skid row don’t have sense enough to be born into at least a middle class family, why should we help them out?

After surviving the OLA ordeal, my chauffeur drove me to Hollywood. What a fright. I soon realize that L.A. was just like the rest of America. First, you have a bunch of liberals dressed in ridiculous costumes while a bunch of tourist, doing nothing to stop the impending apocalypse, looked on passively.

Then you have all the people making money off the backs of the hard working elites in the entertainment industry. The liberals are stealing from celebrities by showing off celebrity homes on tours, dressing like movie and rock stars and selling their image in shops all along the boulevard. It was Broadway robbery akin to minimum wage and social security. I just hope these stars receive residuals on the use of their image and charge tolls on the streets where their homes are molested by these worthless tourists who add nothing to the economy.

And who chooses the stars for the Hollywood walk of fame, Joan Rivers on quaaludes? Well, the committee that decides on who gets a star needs some criteria, fast! Judge Judy is one of the most striking abominations on the Walk. However, I guess if Judge Wapner has a star, Judy’s earned one. But should people who failed to distinguish themselves in their original careers, i.e. judging, get a star on the Walk of Fame? At least Slash of Guns and Roses earned his spot on the Walk of Fame by sporting good hair. Also, Slash is from L.A., so he’s very Hollywood, unlike Canada’s Rush who has no right to be on the Walk because they’re not real Americans.

Vanna White also has a star. Pointing at letters that magically reveal themselves seems a dubious talent for a Walk of Fame star. But then Michael Bolton has a star, and he has less talent than Vanna White has in her pointer finger.

And you don’t have to be human, or even innovative, to be on the Walk of Fame. The Rugrats got their star in 2001 after 10 years on the air. At least Sponge Bob doesn't have a star. I am sure it's because he is gay. Also, Steven Spielberg got his star in the same year as the Rugrats. I guess Spielberg still had to prove himself. Others who remarkably have stars include the “rock” band America, John Stamos, and Tinker Bell, Tinker Bell being the most animated of the three.

With all the wax figures on Hollywood Boulevard in addition to the statues in Madame Tussauds Wax Museum, I got myself out of their before the biggest posers on the boulevard, the Cirque du Soleil performers, sucked me in.

Cirque du Solei Posers
Cirque du Solei Posers | Source

Wish me well dear patriots on my visit to the sin city of Northern California.

Tex Shelters


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