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The Art of Being a Good Criminal

Updated on May 24, 2009

Are you a common criminal?

I was talking to a friend the other day and listening to him tell me everything that was wrong about our society. The breakdown of law and order, the signs of Armageddon, the utter absurdity of some of the ways we view things in society. Most of which, I can usually agree with to a certain extent. Armageddon, for me, is still out with the jury, but usually he makes a good argument on whatever he speaks about.

One thing that struck me during our conversation was his observation that we are all criminals. At first, I didn’t see where he was coming from. He went on to explain that there are so many laws on the books that you cannot live without being some type of criminal. After a moment’s thought, I totally agreed. You simply can’t live your entire life without breaking a law. So I decided to see how much of a criminal I really am and made a list as follows:

Courtesy of
Courtesy of

1. Taxes

I get my smokes over the internet, which means I don‘t pay state taxes on them. I am now a revenuer. The ATF could hunt me down and arrest me. Of course, it also saves me about $3,600 a year.

2. Insurance

I don’t currently have car insurance. Being on unemployment, I have had to make cuts. But, I own my 10 yr old SUV, so there is no loan requirement to have insurance. However, if I get stopped, I pay a large fine and am surpervised by the state to make sure I follow this law. Sorry State, I like having power more than I need car insurance.

3. Seatbelts

I do not wear one. Now this drives some people bonkers. I believe that it is my right to kill myself while driving. Pure and simple, common sense tells me I should, but the State watching over my shoulder to see if I’ve been naughty or nice, just makes me contrary on this.

Wish I knew who to credit this to - They were geniuses!
Wish I knew who to credit this to - They were geniuses!

4. Speeding

We’ve all done it – don’t even try to lie about it. I can agree wholeheartedly to speed limits in urban areas. But we need to be realistic about the speeds on our highways. Gas prices or not, 65 for cars, 55 for trucks in one state and then 70 or 75 for everyone in another state just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

5. Animal Shots and Registration

I have an indoor cat. She has never been and never will go outdoors. The county requires a yearly rabies shot and registration. WHY? She’s not around other animals. If she were a dog, going outside every day, I would and have faithfully done it. It should be my decision whether or not the animal is going to need it.

6. Burning Waste and Landfills.

Living in an itty bitty speck of nowhere, we still cannot burn anything other than yard waste. Oops, that wooden skateboard ramp that the kids broke? Up in smoke on a very dark night, since the garbage man decided the pieces were too big to take. That, along with the paint cans, that I hide one at a time in the middle of the trash can. Since the recycling center will not take certain types of paint or varnish or a host of other items we commonly use when maintaining our houses. Give me a better option and I’ll use it. Better yet, don’t sell it if I can’t dispose of the container afterwards.

7.    Internet Service

I have three computers in my house.  The cable company says I have to have a modem for each and pay full price for each computer.  Nope, I have a router. I pay you guys to put it in my house. How I set it up from there is my business. Whether I have one or 10 computers doesn’t matter, there’s still only one cable coming into my house.

8.    Weapons

I have my dad’s gun that he brought back from WWII and the one my ex husband gave me that he bought off a guy still in the box.  They’re locked in a fireproof lock box under my bed complete with trigger guards and I never have gotten ammo for either of them.  But I don’t have a Firearms Owner ID card and I have not licensed the weapons.  Under my constitutional right to bear arms - MYOB!

So, I’m a Criminal

The ATF, the IRS, the EPA, Animal Control and the Secretary of State could all arrest me. There could also be other departments after me, like Family Services. All because, I have spanked my children, slapped their hands, washed their mouths out with soap and made them go without supper on occasion. Homeland Security could be monitoring me right THIS VERY MINUTE. Since I am a veteran, I have been deemed possibly subversive. I could be picked up if I so much as Google a Muslim website.

They're coming to take me away!!
They're coming to take me away!!

How Many of Us are Really Criminals?

If you can answer YES to any of the following questions – YOU ARE A CRIMINAL!!!!

1. Ever copied or downloaded a song, video, or software that you did not pay for?

2. Ever used your neighbor’s WIFI to connect to the internet?

3. Ever gone over the speed limit?

4. Ever bought anything over the Internet and not had to pay tax on it?

5. Ever gone through a stop sign?

6. Ever taken any supplies home from work? A pen, pencil, some paperclips?

7. Ever used an emergency turn around on the highway because you forgot something or got on the wrong road?

8. Ever crossed against the light when it said don’t walk?

9. Ever not been charged for something at the store and not reported it?

10. Ever stopped alongside of a deserted road because you drank too much coffee and there’s no public restroom within 20 miles?

Any one of these things can get you arrested, sued, hauled into court, fines and possibly jail time.

Disposing of the Evidence!
Disposing of the Evidence!

Criminality is Contagious

Sadly, today I realized that such lawlessness is spreading. I found out my neighbors bought chickens. (Remember this is a small town, in the middle of farming country.) Our village ordinance only allows common household pets and 1 pygmy goat. (the goat is another whole hub). No farm animals- no pot bellied pigs or other exotics allowed.

I really thought about reminding them of that ordinance but I didn’t want to see all their efforts at building a coop and the obvious delight they were taking in doing this project to be ruined. Besides, we criminals have to stick together. If anyone wants to complain about the chickens – we can always have a chicken dinner and dispose of the evidence. Take that Coppers!!!!


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    • profile image


      6 years ago

      All I gotta say is I like this it has shined and brighten my view on things thanks and you seem like a really funny person :D

    • FitnezzJim profile image


      9 years ago from Fredericksburg, Virginia

      We keep on electing folks who seem to think their job is to make more laws, and they're really good at it. They write more and faster than we (and they) can possibly read to keep up, and tax us to police them, prosecute them, and debate their legitimacy in front of our tax-paid-for courts. They are so good at their jobs, we’re all criminals, and we all pay for it.

      If we could elect folks to represent, we might start making an improvement.

      Good hub.

    • Nanny J.O.A.T. profile imageAUTHOR

      Nanny J.O.A.T. 

      9 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow

      Fortune- Not so loud! They'll hear you...Come join the rest of us hiding in the chicken coop!

      CG - From you - high paise indeed! You keep that Cpt of yours well in hand.

      ledef- Exactly my point in a way - why bother to try and stay on the straight and narrow if you can't even walk out your door without breaking some kind of law?

      Thank you all for your kind comments. Always appreciated! :)

    • ledefensetech profile image


      9 years ago from Cape Girardeau, MO

      Our leaders seem to have forgotten that if you pass laws people will routinely break, sooner or later people will lose all respect for the law. Unfortunately that's becoming clearer and clearer every day.

    • fortunerep profile image


      9 years ago from North Carolina

      This is soo funny, It makes you think, according to your list I am guilty as charged!


    • Nanny J.O.A.T. profile imageAUTHOR

      Nanny J.O.A.T. 

      9 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow

      Did someone say something ....? Naahh..... must have been the wind!

    • Frieda Babbley profile image

      Frieda Babbley 

      9 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

      Shhh. I am not here. You don't know who I am. Tell me when they're gone.

    • dineane profile image


      10 years ago from North Carolina

      it's insane, isn't it, the crazy laws on the books! I wrote a hub during the challenge about a proposed law in NC to outlaw novelty cigarette lighters. I'm guilty of some of the examples you list, but I'm worried about the things we'd have never even thought of! You never know when some infraction will come back to haunt you!

    • Nanny J.O.A.T. profile imageAUTHOR

      Nanny J.O.A.T. 

      10 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow

      You go Lorna!!! When my girls were younger we still got the the children's discount as often as we possibly could by lying about their ages. After all, everyone says that teenage girls always look older than they really are!!

    • LornaDane profile image


      10 years ago from Roanoke, VA

      Too right! I'm very glad to admit that I answered yes to all 10 of your questions.

      I have a good one for you that isn't necessarily breaking the law but I just found out recently that some have a major moral issue with it. I still use my college id from 10+ years ago to get a student discount. That's right people and if I'm going to hell for that then I'm getting a discount on admission.

    • Nanny J.O.A.T. profile imageAUTHOR

      Nanny J.O.A.T. 

      10 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow

      Good Luck on your challenge! You'r a better.... ummmm..... "being" than I am - I know I don't have the time to get it all done.

    • lxxy profile image


      10 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

      I will definitely become a regular patron. ;D Currently, I'm working on the 30 Day Hub Challenge...but I am also given the ability to be here through my hosts body, so I don't have all the time in the world right now...but when I am finished, you will be seeing a lot of me. Also, I keep record of all new Hubs created by those I have fanned (they all go to a little folder in my g-mail box.) so I'll be sure not to miss your stream of thoughts. =)

    • Nanny J.O.A.T. profile imageAUTHOR

      Nanny J.O.A.T. 

      10 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow

      Thanks Ixxy - My provider is one price fits all!!! So we just use our own router.

      I appreciate your comments - and I too hope we can get over all this silly legal stuff and teach common sense. Mr Franklin would approve, I think.

      Yes it sucks not having a permanent just under broke - but tween unemployment and a temp job- nose is still above water. Paddling fast as I can!

      Thanks again for stopping by and rating me- you're always welcome at my little hubdom!

    • lxxy profile image


      10 years ago from Beneath, Between, Beyond

      "The cable company says I have to have a modem for each and pay full price for each computer." I'm not sure which ISP you have, but this is not the case for mine. They advocate using routers! They make no bones about it; they can pump in enough bandwidth for a whole house. Tis why they have different speeds and price points. ;)

      "Firearms Owner ID card and I have not licensed the weapons."

      That's okay. Requiring such things to own a gun is unconstitutional; even if its a matter of law. Trust me, if Mr. Franklin was around, he'd be slapping every punk in the government, one by one. And they'd be honored. ;)

      "I don’t currently have car insurance. Being on unemployment,"

      Hey, that sucks that you've not a just under broke. =( Don't worry about the car insurance; be a careful and vigilant driver, and hopefully (when/if/hopefully never) you're hit its not your fault. =)

      Your friend had a great point; there's so many dumb laws on the books it feeds a lawyer's addiction to read through parchments. Many of them are defunct, just by virtue of no longer being paid attention to.

      In due time, I'm sure your species will get over this silly legal stuff.

      It all starts with being good humans! =D

      Great article, rated up, super spiffy.

      In Lightspeed,


    • Nanny J.O.A.T. profile imageAUTHOR

      Nanny J.O.A.T. 

      10 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow

      Of Course! I wouldn't want to add to my criminality LOL!

    • men are dorks profile image

      men are dorks 

      10 years ago from Namibia

      credit will be in order...

    • Nanny J.O.A.T. profile imageAUTHOR

      Nanny J.O.A.T. 

      10 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow

      I'm not even gonna touch the priests-no matter what I may think, God can still hear me!

      Cops, however, are another matter!  I had a friend at work recently, whose son (6yrs) decided that stealing from classmates was okay - "they gave it to me" Uh -Huh!!

      Several of us older mothers gave her the advice that the lil tike needed a trip to the police station to see what happens to people who steal. She called and the police refused. Their policy now forbids these types of internentions because they don't want the children to be afraid of them - should they ever have to call for help.

      Hello!!! You're supposed to be afraid of them if you've done something wrong!!!! Whatever happened to an ounce of prevention??? 

      Hmmmm thanks M.A.D. I think I just found my next hub!!!

    • men are dorks profile image

      men are dorks 

      10 years ago from Namibia

      With all these laws, pheew. I'm glad I'm a criminal, but what about all the cops or priests, how many of them are concidered as "criminals". I think a lot

    • Nanny J.O.A.T. profile imageAUTHOR

      Nanny J.O.A.T. 

      10 years ago from Somewhere over the rainbow

      Thank you! On the one hand, you really want to laugh about some of the things people want to make laws for or against. But on the other hand, if you really think about how much we are regulated, it's kind of big brother scary!! Most people don't even think about how much freedom they have lost in the last 100 years.

    • TheMindlessBrute profile image


      10 years ago from Orlando,Florida

      Nanny J.O.A.T, You enemy combatant,you!I made the list and I'm a vet too!Seriously though it is getting ridiculous right.I had animal control called on me because my dog ran out on my lawn and barked at someone walking by.She was on a tie chain but I almost got a ticket because she wasn't registered.Great hub,your friend has a valid point and I expect it to get worse as the economy sinks further.Gotta generate revenue somehow...uuummm...I meant keep the town safe,welcome to the nannystate;-)


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