The Email You Don't Want To Send Your Kids From Your Laptop In Beijing
At the core of Beijing is the historical Forbidden City, but visitors who will be bringing their laptops with them to the Olympics will find out that moniker applies to all of China's cyberspace.
With just about a week to go until the start of the Beijing Olympics, the hundreds of thousands of Olympic fans from all over the world who will be arriving in Beijing should be aware that over and above the stunning architecture, the magnificent culture, the unbreathable air, and the tasty Peking Duck (Beijing Duck?), one of the major attractions of this wonderful city will be experiencing China's Gulagosphere on your laptop or other PC.
Yes, Olympic enthusiasts, you can be certain that every email that you send home to your family and friends will be scrutinized for forbidden words by a Thought Police Force which judging by the extent of their massive spying must number several times as large as the Chinese Army, which is already the biggest in the world. Just for fun try to sit comfortably in your ridiculously overpriced hotel room in the Crowne Plaza Beijing and write the following email to your kids:
You kids have got to stop spending all your time on that evil Xbox. Videogames are a crime against humanity and a violation of the human rights of parents to interact with their children! Who protects the democratic rights of parents? Videogames are electronic oppression! All these games do is to teach kids how to massacre and become despots, turning you into disciples to genocide. You kids are selling out your country, your ethics and your future! I long for the old days when our parents would teach us truthfulness, compassion and forbearance! Why don't you turn off the Xbox and watch football? There promises to be some great blocking in the Patriots' preseason game! Better yet, why don't you go get a job at McD's? It would wean you from videogames and reeducate you through labor! And the next time your friend Harry Wu comes over to play games, tell him that he promised me he'd wax my Exile Chopper with Shina Clean and never did it. By the way, remember that June 4th is your aunt's birthday and we have to go over to her new house on Epoch Circle in Fort Worth to see her. She was so happy to move out of Falun, Alberta and down to where she doesn't have to shovel snow any more. Yes, I know that since she's dyed her hair you kids call her the Red Terror, but try to be nice to her, ok? I called her from my hotel and she went on for thirty minutes about the latest from Obama and the Democratic "Progressive" Party. It was a half hour of blabbing on and on as the Voice Of America. Anyway I'll give you a short China News Digest: The flight was smooth, except for the time we hit some bad turbulence over the Sino-Russian border. You know your mom is rather talkative, so when we flew over Tibet, talk, talk, talk, so we missed out on seeing the land of the Dalai Lama. We're having a great time here in Beijing, we went to see Yonghegong, which is a Harmony and Peace Hall, then we went to see Tiananmen, Mother's suffered indigestion from some bad Dim Sum, but otherwise, we're all fine. She felt better once she slept with one of her crazy new age crystals over her dharma chakra. I'll fill you in on more aspects of our Unknown Story when we get home. Take care, and don't forget to feed the fish. Love, Dad.
Oh, and remember to leave your Last Will and Testament with your attorney, as there will soon be a knock on your hotel door, and I don't think your kids will ever see you again.