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The Final Blow

Updated on October 27, 2014
Deborah Demander profile image

Deborah is a writer, healer, and teacher. Her goal is to help people live their best lives everyday by sharing her joy and love of life.


In Topeka Kansas, the city council is considering removing domestic violence from the city ordinance. The drastic measure comes as a result of the Shawnee County attorney refusing to prosecute any misdemeanors at the county level due to a 10 percent budget cut. This leaves the city of Topeka to prosecute the misdemeanors, and the city says not only can they not afford it, but also the city officials are not trained in prosecuting some of these cases, including domestic violence. As a result, the council is considering repealing the part of the city code that bans domestic violence.

Which leaves women in a precarious position. As it is, most cases of domestic violence are never reported. While one in four women will experience domestic violence in their lifetime, according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, these cases are rarely reported to police. The unfortunate outcome is that daughters look for abusive husbands, not because they like to be picked on, but because it has become the norm, and the norm is familiar and comfortable. Sons often become abusers themselves, because they see the behavior modeled, and it has become their norm. Thus, new generations of domestic abuse arise out of the ashes of destroyed families.

I always thought that I would never stand for being abused. I told my abusive ex-husband that he better never hit me, because then I would leave. For years, he abused my children and myself, verbally, emotionally and psychologically. When he finally hit me, he dared me to call the police. He said no one would ever believe me. I cowered in our bedroom, crying. Not because he hit me, but because I was a coward. I didn’t have the guts to get out. My children watched the event. They comforted me, and told me things would be fine.

With six children living at home, my fear of the unknown was huge. It took several more months before I got up the courage to leave, taking them all with me, to start a better life.

Many women never get the chance to start over. I am blessed beyond my ability to express my gratitude, for this beautiful life I live, in Evanston. Everyday, I thank God for this great life, for my wonderful husband, and for my happy children. Sometimes, the chance to leave comes when the abuser is in jail, and the woman is finally safe, as in my case. It took just a few hours, after he was arrested, for me to get out of Dodge.

With the city council deciding that domestic violence is no longer a crime, many women in similar positions will never find freedom and happiness. Hopefully, the Topeka city council, the Mayor, and the county attorney’s office will find a way to help the women in their community be safe. Prosecuting domestic violence is an important step in the process.

The statistics are rather grim. According to some statistics, domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women, more than car accidents, mugging and rapes combined. Unfortunately, domestic violence doesn't occur in a vacuum and nearly 10 million children witness some form of domestic violence annually. These children then go on to become the victims or perpetrators of domestic violence in their own relationships, thus perpetuating a vicious and deadly cycle.

While this problem is typically violence against women, the Domestic Violence Resource center says that violence against men accounts for 15% of abuse. The frightening piece of the puzzle is that every day, in this country, more than three women and one man are murdered by their intimate partners, most of those occurring between spouses.

These frightening numbers do not show the human side of domestic violence. I can't describe the fear and self-loathing that permeated my being for nearly twenty years, as I heard what a pathetic, no good, dumb, worthless person I was.

After leaving, it has taken me a while to rebuild trust, and to believe in myself as a capable human being. The hardest row to hoe, however will be with my older children. After years of hearing their father berate me, and them, they have come to believe his lies. While my older daughters, now adults, are glad that we got out, they blame me for staying too long. They blame me for not leaving sooner. Worst of all, now they blame me for lying about their dad. After hearing him degrade me, they buy into hate that he spews, and they believe I am as he describes. This painful turn of events has only served to continue the cycle of abuse. My teen-aged son, who still lives with his dad has begun many of the same types of behavior, including blaming others when things go wrong, bullying his younger brothers and sisters, and disregarding what I say, because I am just a woman, and not to be listened to. While my ex-husband accuses me of ruining his respect for women, I can see the painful truth.

My children have suffered, not only watching attacks against me, but also by enduring constant criticism, condemnation and critique. They are working as adults, to build their lives new, to start fresh and to define themselves.

Still, I feel guilty for causing them to endure such emotional trauma. Although they are emerging from behind the veil of abuse, they are still tender, sensitive people whose hearts have been forever marred.

Domestic Violence Destroys Families

The domestic violence trap is a difficult one to escape. Many people may wonder why women don't just leave. Leaving, for an abused person, is not as simple as walking out the door. Many times, domestic abuse involves poverty, children and shame.

When you are poor, it is difficult to think about anything else, other than putting out the immediate fires surrounding your life. When I was in an abusive marriage, we were poor. I worked as a waitress, most of the time, and my daily tips went to pay whatever utility was getting shut off next. It was only after I decided that I needed to leave, that I began saving money. The lying was hard. I had decided to save 10% of my tip money. I always gave all of my tips to my husband at the end of the day. After this decision, I hid the money in my sock, then opened a secret bank account at a bank across town.

That step was very scary, and I was afraid of what he would do if he found out. I had a dear friend who went with me, to encourage me to open the bank account, and fortunately, it went smoothly. After opening that account, I began to save money, a little at at time. I called it my freedom account. Even my password was the word freedom.

While my ex commented on the smaller amount I seemed to be making, it never came up that I was stealing from him. If he had known, I would have been in big trouble. So saving money was one step, and there were a number of times when that money would have bailed us out of financial trouble before I left. I was committed to leaving, and I had a plan, so I stuck to the plan.

I tried several times to ask him to leave. His reply was always the same, "If you are so unhappy, get the hell out. But you have to explain to the kids why you are abandoning them." I knew I could never leave my children behind. I felt trapped by his refusal to leave, and I prayed that God would provide a way for me to get out.

After years of waitressing, I got a job in sales, making more money than I had ever before. I had $50 from every check automatically deposited into the secret bank account. This was significant for my freedom fund, and also very scary. I knew there would be dire consequences if he ever found out.

Finally, after almost a year, he was arrested. I couldn't raise the money to bail him out, and one of my daughters, a teen-ager at the time said, "Mom, maybe God doesn't want you to bail him out."

The light came on in my head, and I realized that this was my chance at freedom. Although we had nowhere to go and no real plan, I decided to pack the van with our important belongings. I told the children not to ride the bus home after school, that we were going on an adventure.

God blessed me when I finally took the first step of faith. He says it many times in the bible, as with Abraham, when God told him to go into the land, which God would show him. God didn't show Abraham the land ahead of time. He told Abraham to start walking, and then he made a path.When I took the first step of faith, relying on God to lead the way, he did.

The hard truth

One of the hardest pieces of advice I ever received came from a dear and trusted friend, who told me, "I don't want to listen to you complain anymore. You are exactly where you want to be. If you wanted things to be different, you would make them be different."

At first, those words stung and I didn't speak to her for a while. After thinking about what she said, I realized the truth in her statement. We are all exactly where we want to be, good or bad.

We all have the power to make our lives exactly as we would have them. The first step is to believe the truth that you can create your own life. The second step is to walk toward what you want. As it says in the book, "Conversations with God," we can create exactly what we want in this life. It begins with a thought. The thought becomes words and the words manifest in action. Believe in what you want, do the things necessary or do the things that someone with that life would do, have the life you want. While this is over simplified, it is also true.

We all have the power to manifest life exactly as we want it. The first step is to believe it.

Namaste Friends.

Domestic Violence affects everyone

Do you know anyone who has suffered from domestic violence?

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    • Green Art profile image

      Green Art 5 years ago

      You are an amazing and strong woman Deborah! I left an abusive relationship years ago and am thankful everyday that I did. I believe I would not be here today if I'd stayed in that situation. I thank God for putting good co-workers and friends in my path that told me I deserved to be with someone who was kind to me. I too have a good life now and a husband who is kind to me! Voted up, useful, awesome and interesting:)

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thank you for the support.


    • Phil Plasma profile image

      Phil Plasma 5 years ago from Montreal, Quebec

      It is such a difficult life and a difficult decision to get out of it. I'm glad you got out of it, and I can only imagine how difficult this must have been to write.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for your comments Ruchira, I appreciate you stopping by.

      Namaste my friend.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 5 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Cheeky, thanks for stopping by, and for your thoughtful insight. Unfortunately, many women think they deserve nothing better than a bully. I'm glad you learned that lesson early. Some of us take a lot longer.

      Namaste my friend.

    • Ruchira profile image

      Ruchira 5 years ago from United States

      First od Deborah a happy 100th hub...yeah!

      Secondly..this is shocking news. I can foresee men take advantage of mean women...I wish and pray that this is fought for since, it's bad for all women out there.

      I read about your story and am glad you fought back. Wishing you peace n happiness my friend....namaste!!

    • Cheeky Girl profile image

      Cassandra Mantis 6 years ago from UK and Nerujenia

      Clearly the woman in the video has low self-esteem, and she was so easily dominated by her nasty husband. He was a bully, and obviously experienced bullying as a person himself.

      Something I learned as a teenager - "No one can intimidate you without your Permission". It's a fact. I found it out. Some guys tried it on with me. I just never tolerated it and that was it. Period.

      Some people will do anything to put up with an imperfect situation. To save others, or for the sake of others - or because of fear of someone. Or they just don't think it through. Maybe they operate in a vacuum, and are isolated from their loved ones or family or those who can help them. But no one has to accept this from someone.

      Bullying is a Wolf in sheep's clothing that we all need to learn to recognise - and never let it get its foot in our door.

      This is a great hub! I'm glad I read this.

    • profile image

      Serena Gabriel 6 years ago

      There was an update to this news piece on MSNBC today and the City of Topeka got so much flak over this, they have agreed to prosecute cases again starting tomorrow.

      The problem is they weren't prosecuting them very well before and usually - regardless of what your jurisdiction is - you don't get help when you call. Instead your life is further endangered by the cops' and legal systems' failure to act on the charges.

      IMO, the only reason to call the cops is to lay the groundwork for self-defense, so when you finally have to shoot the S.O.B., it isn't the first time anyone has heard of the problem. A lady in NYC was recently acquitted of shooting her abusive husband, but she had a lot of trouble getting out of it despite years of abuse. Not only was he an ex-cop, but she's never called the cops about it (Doh! I wonder why?) in the past. Fortunately for her, she had her son who witnessed years of abuse and was himself abused. But, not everyone has witnesses or support. In fact, the less you have of this, the more likely you are to be abused. That's why guys move you 1,200 miles away from your family or take other steps to isolate you from friends and family before they start trying to kill you.

    • profile image

      Serena Gabriel 6 years ago


      It's not about women loving and valuing themselves. It's about a male dominated culture that still views women and children as the property of a man. Apparently, I didn't get the memo on this and found out too late what legal marriage in this country really means.

      The lady at the center of this battle in Topeka's name is Dombrowski. Apparently, the Topeka legal system is a good ole boy's club. You can see about her and her struggles, how her children were stolen by this very system and given to her abusive husband by seeing her videos on the subject at YouTube.

      I'm sure your comment is well-meaning, but this has nothing to do with women valuing themselves or choosing the wrong man, etc., etc, ad nauseum.

      Dombrowski's advice since her ordeal is NEVER call the cops. There is a good reason why the majority of women who wake up to an abuser or rapist in their house one day (the guy doesn't start out as a rapist - they start out appearing like normal people) do not call the cops. The deck is stacked against women.

      The best thing you can do is try to get the guy out of your house (that's what I did), then you let him know you're packing and what's going to happen if he comes back to try to rape or otherwise harm you. That's what I did. But, I went through legal hell for a few weeks because the laws in my state required me to either live with my rapist or report the crime (which would have only made things worse! - I could have been killed! This was a man more than twice my size and multiple times my strength.) The cops are on the guy's side usually - in fact, everyone is on his side because this culture still thinks it's okay to rape and brutalize your wife or girlfriend.

      I apologize for the tone of this comment, but not the comment - the whole putting it all on the woman thing just pushed my buttons!

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 6 years ago

      If only women loved and valued themselves enough to never put up with one moment of abuse. Up and awesome piece.

    • Deborah Demander profile image

      Deborah Demander 6 years ago from First Wyoming, then THE WORLD

      Thanks for stopping by Serena. I was hoping they would take the process one step further and decriminalize shooting abusive partners. Unlikely though, unfortunately.


    • profile image

      Serena Gabriel 6 years ago

      I was shocked by this.

      But, do you suppose this means that women who defend themselves cannot be prosecuted, either. If so, that could be not all bad news.