The List of Secrets on How to Be An Annoying Dinner Guest
OTHER WAYS TO BE "AN ANNOYING DINNER GUEST"
At this time I want to be really honest and sensitive with you. Do not take this as a personal plea for sympathy or pity. For it's not. This is a very sad thing I am about to share with you, that when I say it, I might break down and cry like a newborn baby.
But since I am a grown man, 58 years of age, I guess I can stand a bit more pain, so here goes. In my entire life, I have never been invited to, or taken to a dinner party. Oh, how my heart is breaking now. I wish I had not committed to this subject and just written about "The Joys of Owning a John Deere Tractor," but too late. I've open the can, so might as well deal with it.
Now do not feel that bad for me as I have, as a youth, been taken to a few church suppers and reunion lunches, but never a dinner party. The kind of party where you get to wear new clothes, shoes and sport a fresh haircut from your family barber named, "Lloyd." That kind of party.
If the truth be told, when I was a lad, we didn't have such a thing as a "dinner party" in the south, just breakfast, lunch, and supper. And the occasional visit from the preacher on Sunday after church, but nothing as lavish as a dinner party.
I regret that. I regret that empty place in my life even more when I see celebrities and politicians on my television attending fund-raisers and expensive dinner parties to honor one of their own famous friends and there I sit. Never knowing what it's like to taste food that is eaten at dinner parties. I may never get to enjoy that pleasure.
So what option do I have besides turning angry, vengeful and bitter toward the people who "do" throw dinner parties for famous people and the people who attend these lavish get-togethers? Huh?
Oh, I could leave the country and reside with a few monks in the Hymalayan Mountains and learn the "secrets of personal peace and the universe at large," but that's pretty much it by way of feasible options.
So I guess at a future time, I will start a class to teach other bitter people like me who have never been do a dinner party, "The Secrets of How To Be an Annoying Dinner Party Guest."
I will wager that when a few of my pupils follow the list of "annoying things" below, my phone will ring off the hook with people in New York City just aching for me to attend their next dinner brunch.
1. Belch as loud as you can so others at your table can hear just how much you have enjoyed this "free" meal. Don't worry. Belching in most third-world countries is customary and interpreted as one liking the food that was set before them.
2. Spilling on yourself is okay, because in 2012, people are way too sensitive to tell you about the baked chicken breast laying on the front of your shirt for they are afraid that you will take them to court for violating your First Amendment rights.
3. Talk loud to people as to not cause verbal confusion. People at dinner parties mostly whisper, and that can be rough if you are trying to hear their opinions on global farming issues, so talk up. People will appreciate it.
4. Bark at hostess if your potato salad is not up to par for you. Hey, forget about manners. It's your colon that the hostess needs to be worried about.
5. Talk with mouthfuls of food because you can multi-task with the best of them.
6. Be boisterous and never say, "excuse me," but instead say, "get outta the way, lady. That's my seat," people at high-end dinner parties respect men who take charge of things.
7. Drain the liquor cabinet dry. It's fine. The hosts can buy more tomorrow. If the dinner party hosts didn't expect you to "guzzle" the whisky, why did they sit out seven bottles near your table?
8. Dance with any girl you want to. Lively entertainment by guests a bit "tipsy," is perfectly-acceptable. And breaks up the monotony too.
9. Take off your tie and coat and be yourself. Nothing as is boring and stuffy as a man who is miserable in dress clothes. Hey, if the dinner party takes off, remove your dress shirt. Women will appreciate your gut hanging over your dress slacks that are almost bursting at the seams from your large girth.
10. Vulgar, distasteful jokes? Sure. The guests are all adult, so why hold back on those adult jokes that you picked up from, "Sal Bender," the copy machine service man at your office last Friday. The more laughter the better the dinner party.
11. Beat the table with your fist if your food isn't warm enough. Be a man. Don't whisper, "uhh, miss. My prime rib has icicles hanging from it," or you will be laughed at.
12. Pretend to know everyone at this party. No one likes a man who has to be introduced to everyone. If someone asks, "do you know Dr. Cline, the world-renowned liposuction surgeon?" Just nod and reply, "yes, I do. We went to prep school together." That remark alone will get you invited back for another dinner party next month.
13. Flirt with women you see at this dinner party. They expect it. Why do you think they spent thousands at the dress shop, beauty salon and spa to look their best? Oh for their husbands? What a naive man you are. Go ahead. Make the women's night. Tell each one how "she" is "the" prettiest lady at the dinner party. Oh, check to see if she is wearing a hearing aid.
14. Just in case you are asked to leave the party, laugh and say, "hey, I don't want any trouble. I happen to be personal friends with Sugar Ray Leonard," that will put a stop to you being thrown out on your butt.
15. Lie through your teeth about what you do for a living and you will impress the guests at this dinner party, provided no one really knows what you do for a living. If you are an assistant manager at the local Taco Bell, just change that to, "district zone production coordinator," for a noted food supply company. That will do the trick.
16. Challenge men guests to chug-a-lug contests with imported beer. You will win every time because you haven't went without beer since you graduated from high school.
17. Laugh at every joke told by every stale man in a suit, for he might be a mayor, senator or possibly someone more powerful, an I.R.S. agent. Example: Man: "and the penguin said, 'you thought it was cold. I thought it was freezing,' (laugh, wheeze, gasp). YOU: Awww, haww, hawww, hawww, that's the funniest thing I ever heard. And I got an uncle in show business too.
18. Name-drop to make yourself look "important," such as you strolling around room eavesdropping on conversations like this: "Mr. Obama sure has a fight on his hands with that national health care bill," Then you butt in quickly, "haw, haw, naaah, I was telling Barack last week, don't sweat it, man. You got the votes for "I" am friends with most of the Republican senators."
19. Act like a medical doctor also to build yourself up and if someone passes out, just jump beside them and commence to beat their chest as hard as possible and yell, "somebody call 9-1-1," to look more professional. If someone chokes on olives, jump behind them and squeeze between their abdomen and stomach as hard as you can and boom, out will pop the olive. You might get into the papers for saving some people's lives.
20. Do not listen to other people talk, for that gives them time to ask you, "and you are?" That can be fatal to you, "Mr. Uninvited Dinner Party Guest." Just interrupt people in mid-sentence and that will cause them to lose their "train of thought," and forget about asking what you are doing at the dinner party in the first place. Shrewd thinking means more dinner parties for you.
Okay. I am finished with my list of "The Secrets of How To Be an Annoying Dinner Party Guest."
I got my phone line cleared for those "uptown" dinner party hosts to get through to me easily to invite me to their next dinner party.
Okay. Enough waiting. Call already. You don't want to see me upset. And hungry.