The Peoples Republic of Bacon
The Bacon Protectorate
There is a completely non-violent way to defend freedom and protect the nation. We must become the People’s Republic of Bacon. We must be a nation of the bacon and for the bacon and by the bacon. We must wave the bacon banner from sea to shining to shining sea. We must become the Bacon Protectorate. We must baconize America. We must become the Baconate.
Not By Bacon Alone
But it is written, or it should be, man does not live by bacon alone. There are other pork products and we cannot in good conscience wave the white skillet of surrender in these matters. We must also become the People’s Republic of Pork and even the Pork Protectorate.
Why, some might ask, should we become the United States of Bacon? Well, I might reply, some truths are self evident. Nonetheless, out of compassion for my fellow man I will let you in on the mysterious powers of pork.
Our enemies fear pork. The world’s terrorists give pork wide berth whenever possible. Thus and therefore we should bury pigs, pig urine, pig blood and pig feces at every cross road and at every border. All buildings, bullets, bombs, and guns should be infused with pork fat, pork blood, pork urine and pork feces. No one should be able to enter or leave the United States of American without getting pork all over them. Our currency should shine with pork fat. The pig should become our national animal and our clarion call should be suey or some other hog calling phrase. We should incorporate all versions of the hog call into our national songs: soie, soo wee, etc.
Our nation should be ringed, veiled, covered, paved and populated by pigs, hogs, pork and bacon. Pork uber alles!
All Amazon Regiment
Moreover to defeat the terrorists completely we need an all female regiment with a supporting squadron of female fighter and bomber pilots. All their bullets and bombs and bayonets should be pork infused. It is said that the terrorists will never get the 72 goats they have been promised in hell if they get killed by a woman in combat. Once they find out they are facing women with pork shooting guns the terrorists will surrender rather than face us.
Invoke the Voluptuous Hypothesis!
We must fight the enemy on many fronts—and as many as possible should be peaceful and peace loving. The terrorists we fight claim to be agents of the Almighty. They claim theirs is a faith based struggle. So be it. For our side of the battle let us invoke the voluptuous hypothesis. They voluptuous hypothesis is based on the power of prayer. If the Almighty is real and if Almighty answers prayers then everyone everywhere should pray that all who would enslave, torture or kill innocents would be turned in beautiful, voluptuous, young women who have no knowledge of or interest in history, politics or religion. What is interesting about this prayer if it were granted is that it would turn men who currently enslave women because the women don’t practice the “right” faith into females who don’t practice any faith. In other words, by their previous standards the terrorists would now become slaves of true believers. Sounds like justice to me. Invoke the Voluptuous Hypothesis.
For the purists among you, stand, strike an imperious pose and in an arrogant voice like Dr Zaius of Planet of the Apes shout: “I invoke the Voluptuous Hypothesis!”
Defending the Nation
Which peaceful means to protect the nation do you think would be most effective?
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The Pork Protectorate