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The Secret Secretions of Life, Death and Rape

Updated on September 1, 2012
Diagram 3
Diagram 3 | Source

During the middle ages, there were lots of witches around. A great test to divine the vile creatures was to “swim the witch.” A woman would be bound and thrown into a body of water such as a lake or cistern, and if she floated, she was a witch and would be burned at the stake. If the bound woman sank, she was innocent of being a witch. She would also possibly die from drowning. That’s a small price to pay to prove your innocence.

And just recently, Americans learned from Rep. Todd Akin and Dr. Jack C. Willke that “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Romney said of Willke in 2007, ““I am proud to have the support of a man who has meant so much to the pro-life movement in our country...He knows how important it is to have someone in Washington who will actively promote pro-life policies. Policies that include more than appointing judges who will follow the law but also opposing taxpayer-funded abortion and partial-birth abortion.”” And it's great that Romney has a surrogate to teach us that sometimes a rape isn't a rape.

You see, a doctor said that women can defend themselves against pregnancy when raped, and if they get pregnant, it wasn't a rape. It fits into our ideology, and we wouldn’t want facts to interfere with our beliefs.

I have learned some other important things about human biology from doctors such as Dr. Willke that I feel it is important to pass on to the public.

1. Poor people secrete a juice so they don’t get hungry or need food. If you are truly poor, you won’t get hungry or need food. Food stamps are just not needed because real poor people are not “legitimately hungry.”

2. When you are shot, innocent people emit a fluid that heals you and keeps you from dying. If Treyvon Martin were innocent, he would have secreted the fluid of life to keep him alive. He died because he was guilty.

3. If the police are called by someone who says they were assaulted, the police must take special precautions to study the person carefully before believing them. If they have bruises or cuts on them, then they weren’t really assaulted. You see, the body of a person under assault will shut down and the chance of getting bruised is rare.

4. If a person is being deprived of water, they aren’t legitimately thirsty if they die of dehydration. People that are legitimately thirsty secrete a juice from their pancreas to quench their thirst and thus they don’t die.

5. A person who vomits isn’t legitimately nauseous because if they were they would emit bile from their gall bladder that would prevent vomiting. And if they die, they weren’t legitimately poisoned because the body of a poisoned person would shut down and prevent death.

So the next time someone complains about being sick, assaulted or raped, remember, if they have ill effects, it’s not real.

Tex Shelters


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    • texshelters profile image

      texshelters 5 years ago from Mesa, Arizona

      Those studies are bunk, of course.



    • OldWitchcraft profile image

      OldWitchcraft 5 years ago from The Atmosphere


      I just try to avoid them. At first, I thought they were just kind of interesting. I've even attended some Evangelical services just to see what they're all about. On the surface, they just seem a little weird, but if you dig deeper, there are some scary things going on.

      One of their beliefs is that if women have abortions, they are more likely to get cancer. I don't know if there's a study to back this up or not, but they believe it is a punishment from god.

      They are scary... especially the more you know about them. They pretty much run everything here. Even the Catholics are scared. I keep a low profile.

    • texshelters profile image

      texshelters 5 years ago from Mesa, Arizona



    • TravelAbout profile image

      Katheryn 5 years ago from United States

      I can't even imagine what other crazy beliefs are in the minds of these people. Very scary. How do you handle being surrounded; do you just remain silent or speak your thoughts?

    • OldWitchcraft profile image

      OldWitchcraft 5 years ago from The Atmosphere

      Excellent satire!

      I'm literally surrounded by Todd Akins-types. They have some other crazy beliefs about women's bodies, as well.

    • texshelters profile image

      texshelters 5 years ago from Mesa, Arizona

      That's great. The point is, it was rape and the mother had a choice.


    • profile image

      LikaMarie 5 years ago


      I am glad that your friend is a good friend for you. This isn't about barbarianism, it's about the woman's choice. So you don't think your friend's mom should have had the choice to have him or not? That's what this is all about, is a rape survivor who got impregnated ought to have a CHOICE in the matter, not have the pregnancy be forced upon her with NO other options. If you can't understand that, I don't know about you.

    • Daniel Cravener profile image

      Daniel Elliott Cravener 5 years ago from USA

      I don't know about all that but, one of my best friends is an offspring of rape. I am grateful and he is too that his mom didn't follow the true barbarism of killing innocence for convenience and easement of life.

    • Homesteading profile image

      Julie Z 5 years ago from North Central Florida

      As a rape victim, my body found no humor in it at all, let alone my brain, even to this day. But putting that to the side, your points are targeted correctly. I only wish I said it before you.

    • profile image

      LikaMarie 5 years ago

      Thank you for the logical lesson in female reproductive systems...

    • profile image

      chloelozano 5 years ago

      I shared this on both Facebook and Twitter. Too funny not to share yet it also gets a very clear message across. Good job!

    • craiglyn profile image

      Lynda 5 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Ok I'm not in the U.S., and didn't hear this but a friend of mine repeated it to me the other day. How stupidly rediculous are these people!!! Thanks for portraying this in a way that we could get a giggle out of a very sad situation.

    • TravelAbout profile image

      Katheryn 5 years ago from United States

      I guess their theory wasn't quite on the mark regarding Jaycee Dugard who was kidnapped and held for 18 years and who fathered two children from her kidnapper/rapist.

      Then we have the other political idiot ( I can't recall his name) in support of passing a regulation forcing women to go through having an intra probe uterine ultrasound prior to an abortion. His suggestion to eliminate any fear on the part of a woman of this procedure was for the woman to just close her eyes and it would be over in no time. Sadly, these brainiacs are helping to run this country and make decisions on behalf of 'we' the people. It won't surprise me if next we hear one of this group suggesting that perhaps women should not be allowed to vote due to their inability to be rational when it's, 'that time of the month'. It would be funny if it weren't so frightening. Thanks for bringing it to the attention of those who might have missed it. Great hub thanks for sharing it.

    • AudreyHowitt profile image

      Audrey Howitt 5 years ago from California

      Funny and sad all at the same time--Passing this one on!

    • Daughter Of Maat profile image

      Melissa Flagg OSC 5 years ago from Rural Central Florida

      This was great!! I love the diagram too. It shows exactly how the female body "shuts that whole thing down." lmao!!!

      I read something on pinterest yesterday that I found appalling. It's a quote from Clayton Williams from about 1990 when he was running for governor of Texas. He said: "Rape is kinda like the weather. If it's inevitable, relax and enjoy it."

      I found that so disgusting, that man really needs to be thrown in a mental institution... or dragged out into the street and shot.... he is a sickening man and a sorry excuse for a human.

      But I'm a woman, my opinion doesn't count.... or so they think... (insert maniacal laugh here...)

    • Natashalh profile image

      Natasha 5 years ago from Hawaii

      Wow. So funny! When I heard the original interview clip on the radio, I really couldn't believe my ears. Fantastic illustration!

    • ThoughtSandwiches profile image

      ThoughtSandwiches 5 years ago from Reno, Nevada


      Let me begin by saying...Thank God fpherj48 shared this for fear of missing it!

      I hardly know if the correct emotion is to cry or to laugh...therefore I laughed so hard I cried. This is masterful! As I am feeling a might peckish at the moment...I hope I start secreting that "not hungry" juice.

      Very funny (and sad) at the same time! I will be sharing.


    • fpherj48 profile image

      Paula 5 years ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

      Oh......My have done it this time. I didn't believe my EYES........the illustration is Pulitzer Prize material.......(and there SHOULD be an award for stuff like this.) I have laughed so much (against my better female judgement) since that legitimate MORON made his egregiously STUPID statement, to THE SHOCK AND HORROR, THROUGHOUT THE NATION. If only we had a GAS we could emit to fend off the sounds of complete and utter brainlessness! Mitt & Co. NEEDS to get rid of this idiot.....bury the body and never look back. Every female in the country will provide them with an alibi!! UP!! & shared!!

    • texshelters profile image

      texshelters 5 years ago from Mesa, Arizona

      BZ: Thanks. It needed to be said.


    • Bob Zermop profile image

      Bob Zermop 5 years ago from California, USA

      Lol Tex, hilarious as always! I stared at my television with the expression of a stuffed roadkill owl (frozen, pained, but mostly just bewildered) for almost a minute after I heard the comment. Voted up and up and funny.