The Speech You'll Never Hear From Obama
Today I am bestowing the "Obie Award" to a most deserving individual - Barak Hussein Obama, AKA The Pretender-in-Chief. He sold the American electorate on "hope and change" back in 2008 with empty rhetoric. Those are such fluffy, feel good words. They bring a tear to my eye each time I hear them. Don't have to use too much Kleenex though because they quickly disappeared over the horizon after his inauguration when Obama threw his presidency under the bus by allowing Reid and Pelsoi to call the shots. You see, he had no idea what to do after the ball was in his court, except to blame Bush which he continues to do to date.
So please come to the stage Obie Wan Obama, we have all the teleprompters finely tuned, scripted and ready just for little old you. Hopefully we won't have a power outage, but your environmental policies have been causing black outs lately so lets all cross our fingers, toes and anything else we can cross. Okay Mr. Weiner, please take your seat. You're not in Congress anymore, and we don't care to see a wiener loop half gainer with a full twist. What I ask the of the audience is rather simple. Indicate your approval by a round of applause as Obie lists his accomplishments to date. No cue cards will be needed as the silence will be deafening.
THE SPEECH YOU'LL NEVER HEAR:
Thank you Frog Prince. It is truly an honor to address both MY avid koolaid guzzlers and those of you who don't believe a word I say. Today I stand humbly before you to list the many accomplishments that no other President, except ME, has achieved in this soon to be destroyed nation. I won't take credit for that - JUST BLAME BUSH! What I seek is your approval, admiration, adoration and undying love for ME for having accomplished these deeds single-handedly. Well almost anyway as MY fellow progressives, Harry and Nancy, assisted ME.
Using MY keen lack of leadership skills and having no knowledge of economics I doubled the National Debt. That took all the other Presidents combined over two centuries to accomplish. Aren't I just soooo... special? But let ME add, MY avid koolaiders, I need your adoration for proposing to double down again on that debt within 10 years by MY preposterous levels of spending. I need to insure that I will take care of you entitlement junkies as long as MY butt is warming the chair in the Oval Office. Lets hear it for another fix.
NOTHING IS HEARD BUT STUNNED SILENCE!
Hmmm... I haven't finished so please take your seats. I criticized the state of Arizona and their immigration law without ever having read it. How dare any state attempt to protect their border, crack down on illegal aliens who are sucking the life blood out of America and taking food off the tables of hard working Americans. Whoops! I forgot unemployment is above 9% so forget that one. I want to grant amnesty to all those cock roaches so simmer down. My voter base is what is important and nothing else. Understand?
On the bright side, I had my administration join hands with the Mexican government in legally charging the state of Arizona to force those good citizens to allow illegal immigration. Don't try to sneak over the border to Mexico though, I assure you they'll throw your ass straight in the slammer and forget you're there. I'll come to your rescue after I get off the 19th hole. I only allow the ATF to let gun runners cross the border, north moving south, with thousands of weapons so they can gun down our federal agents and each other.
I also paid tribute to the United States Marine Corpse, whoops I meant Corps, then just recently I threatened to not pay our proud American service men and women as I went into another severe pout because I couldn't get MY way.
Yes Sir Sarge!!!
No other President but ME has put 87,000 Americans out of work in one whack by placing a moratorium on off shore drilling. You see I won't tolerate one foreign oil company soiling an otherwise exemplary safety record in the off shore drilling industry. One "WHOOPS" by them made ME require that you dig deep in those already empty wallets. It doesn't matter that I allowed a forged document to be used for the basis of the moratorium. That forgery stuff can get a bit tricky as witnessed by MY long form birth certificate. Park that SUV and go out and buy a Government Motors VOLT.
My foreign slips I need to note. I gave the Queen of England an IPod of the videos of MY most awesome speeches. She was beside herself. Did you see that look she gave ME? You'd have thought I was a roach! I gave Gordon Brown a complete set of incorrectly formatted DVDS to go up against his gift steeped in history. I even gave the Saudi King a deep bow, no other President has bowed to a foreign potentate. Did you know there is an Austrian language? I invented it when I vacationed there. Just a minor faux paux.
Don't you think I am a self-centered, conceited moron for flying all the way to Denmark, on your dime not mine, to make a five minute pitch to the Olympic committee to bring the Olympics to MY home town so I could stroll out my front door located at 5406 S. Greenwood Avenue which a non-existent person, Harrison J. Bounel, owns who just happens to be using MY social security number. Please don't forget that I made a joke of the Special Olympics. Poor kids.
I am the only President who knew there were 57 states in the union. I appointed tax cheats to my cabinet and filled Czar positions with known socialists, Marxists and any other wackos I could muster up.. Give ME a break. I am Barak H. Obama among many of my other alias I have used over time. Why do you think I won't release MY academic records? HUH? HUH? HUH?
On the money side, I spent hundreds of thousands of your tax dollars so I could wine and dine MY blushing First Lady, MOOCHELLE, in NYC to attend a play. Ford Theater was closed that night. Then I bailed out General Motors with your money, That only reduced people's retirement savings by 90% and gave MY union goons the majority stake in Government Motors. No small matter that I caused you, the American tax payer, $16 billion in the process.
All that in just 28 short months. Am I great or what? Please hold your applause until I run like hell. Wait a minute! Where did everyone go? As he looks out on an empty auditorium...