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The Straight Man’s Guide to Surviving Frisco’s Gay Pride Day

Updated on June 19, 2013
Protective Gear for a Parade
Protective Gear for a Parade | Source

Here are some things the straight male needs to survive San Francisco’s Gay Pride Day.

1. Butt clinching pants to evade penetration, especially tight leather pants that provide maximum armor.

2. A policeman’s hat to exude authority and a dominating presence replete with what I call a “happy baton” to punish bad boys. If lack of male affirmation leads young men to be gay, as the Pacific Justice Report said on their Legal Edge radioshow on Saturday, then I am willing to do all the male affirming necessary at the pride parade.

3. Wearing a mesh shirt to air out your pecks and not get too sweaty is also helpful.

Wear Mesh for Sweat
Wear Mesh for Sweat | Source

4. Handcuffs are useful for a man to protect himself from homosexual bondage during any gay uprising.

5. Wearing a flag pin with rainbow colors on it shows you come in peace and perhaps they will let you observe unmolested.

6. Learn a few dance moves to Madonna songs and you can move through the gay throngs gracefully. Gays respect a few well timed thrusts.

7. Practice the distraction techniques of voguing in case you get into trouble and need an escape plan. A good vogue can get you through the tightest predicaments.

8. Bring a bunch of your buddies dressed up in similar protective leather gear, and ride Harleys if you got ‘em.

Remember men, if you keep a clear head on you and don’t get too overwhelmed, you too can get past the gayness on Gay Pride Day everywhere.

Tex Shelters


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      Atheistically Yours 4 years ago

      I am a SF native, and am appalled at the level of parody that the LGBT-UVWXYZ community has had to stoop to, to insure that straight people have a good time at their latest "voguing"-fest (I can't stop laughing at that word!). Have a great weekend, and let those freak flags fly! ;)

    • texshelters profile image

      texshelters 5 years ago from Mesa, Arizona

      Ha ha Thanks.


    • texshelters profile image

      texshelters 5 years ago from Mesa, Arizona

      Thanks Steve.


    • Steve Orion profile image

      Steve Orion 5 years ago from Tampa, Florida

      Excuse me, texshelters. I have read your well-meaning Hub on how to protect yourself against "the Gays," but must inform you about something that I'm sure was unintentional. You see, many of the tips you provide, believe it or not, could actually be detrimental to a straight man's well being in the presence of "the Gays."

      Please consider what I am saying with an open mind, as it might be a bit of a shock. For instance, your tip about extra tight pants, while true it they may ward off unwanted and evil penetration, is actually a characteristic many Gays have. Even the example picture you've provided, I fear, is of a Gay man! Look closely, it's true!

      I hope this revelation has not come to late for any readers who might have taken this advice. "The Gays" are always indoctrinating helpless young men into their Satanic ranks.

    • profile image

      LikaMarie 5 years ago

      Hmm. I guess it would be difficult to remain confident in yourself around a bunch of mean and ferocious gay people, who are happy to spread the love around.