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The Straight Man’s Guide to Surviving Frisco’s Gay Pride Day
Here are some things the straight male needs to survive San Francisco’s Gay Pride Day.
1. Butt clinching pants to evade penetration, especially tight leather pants that provide maximum armor.
2. A policeman’s hat to exude authority and a dominating presence replete with what I call a “happy baton” to punish bad boys. If lack of male affirmation leads young men to be gay, as the Pacific Justice Report said on their Legal Edge radioshow on Saturday, then I am willing to do all the male affirming necessary at the pride parade.
3. Wearing a mesh shirt to air out your pecks and not get too sweaty is also helpful.
4. Handcuffs are useful for a man to protect himself from homosexual bondage during any gay uprising.
5. Wearing a flag pin with rainbow colors on it shows you come in peace and perhaps they will let you observe unmolested.
6. Learn a few dance moves to Madonna songs and you can move through the gay throngs gracefully. Gays respect a few well timed thrusts.
7. Practice the distraction techniques of voguing in case you get into trouble and need an escape plan. A good vogue can get you through the tightest predicaments.
8. Bring a bunch of your buddies dressed up in similar protective leather gear, and ride Harleys if you got ‘em.
Remember men, if you keep a clear head on you and don’t get too overwhelmed, you too can get past the gayness on Gay Pride Day everywhere.