The Threat of Hamburgerism
This burger is going to kill you (and probably steal your job (and is potentially gay, but there's no way I’m looking under his bun to find out))
In light of this
dangerous and growing threat, the United States government has just announced
the creation of a new agency called the Look Out! That Homicidal Hamburger Is
Going to Kill You Security Department (LOTHHIGKYSA). Sorry, it’s kind of a
mouthful, but we had to find something for our lettering sub-departments responsible for the letters L, O, G, K, and Y to do. We have also established a Department of the Letters G and K to study the most effective font and letter spacing to use for those letters when they are adjacent to one another. We are also expanding the Department of Letters Formed Using Three Lines due to the projected increase in the use of the letters K and Y. Unfortunately the Department of the Letters G and K has been caught in a temporal anomaly that formed when they tried to write their name but couldn't because they hadn't yet studied it. We have also had trouble staffing the new Three Line department. For some reason our KY Tech job posting has been receiving some very strange applicants. We have created another agency to determine the reason for this called the KY Exploratory Probe.
The LOTHHIGKYSA in action
To the right is a photo of our new agents in action. They busted these patty punks trying to smuggle burgers across the border. These somewhat clever bandit burgers had hidden the contraband in their stomachs. Scientists are still trying to figure out how they planned to reassemble them.
Sirloin Stockade your favorite restaurant? Not anymore. Now, it’s the name of our Slammer! where these devilish patties are locked away and tortured for information. First they are beaten with a wooden mallet, then we pour things into their wounds, salt, Worcestershire Sauce, brown sugar…no, wait…that’s just a recipe.
Are you concerned at all about unfairly stereotyping a single food type?
No. And who let the Commi in the room? Next question.
Is it really that serious of a threat?
Great question. We've put together the following graphic to demonstrate the seriousness of the threat which compares death from terrorism with deaths from hamburgerism. As you can see, the havoc these insidious invaders inflict upon us is horrific.
I'm sorry...I'm not entirely clear how exactly hamburgers are killing people.
Well, for one, did you see the heat that beefsteak was packin'? But, along with that are heart disease, stroke, cholesterol, diabetes, cancer, high blood pressure, and lastly (though it isn't yet confirmed) it is rumored that they secretly built Justin Bieber in a lab.