The Tom Sawyer Caper

Tom Sawyer's aunt demanded he whitewash the fence. There were a lot of other things he wanted to do, but he had to whitewash the fence.

As Tom was a bit more clever than his friends he made the task seem more fun than just about anything else. Soon enough all his friends were whitewashing the fence and Tom was watching them, enjoying his sloth.

Tom Sawyer was good, but I'm better.

I can get people to do jobs they never had any intention of doing.
I can get people to do the worst jobs, for free.
How?
I volunteer to do it.

Oh, you say, rubbing your chin, how's that go?

I find people who don't like me, suspect me, can't put me into a category who
view me with a mix of suspicion and dislike.

I don't say anything. I act bland. Then, out of a clear blue sky I tell them I want to volunteer to: (fill in something unpleasant) and lo and behold! that person, or that person's appointee will do that job.

A horrible job no one ever thought of doing is now being undertaken by someone whose main purpose in life is to 'deny' me the 'benefit.'

Six weeks ago Miss P. died. She died in that flat over there.

For six weeks that flat has been locked while the owners of the premises sat on their hands.

As Miss P. didn't have many relatives who cared if she lived or died, the first wash of vultures grabbed whatever value she might have had, (not much) leaving boxes and containers and closets and drawers full of her personal stuff.

The guy in charge of the flats is a pretentious prig on his best day. We usually call him Pharaoh. He has a way of tipping head when he speaks to give you a view of his boogies.

Seeing him, I attend like some servant and mention that me and Rick would clean out Miss P.s flat.

Now Pharaoh looks down at me in his priggish style. His mouth is in a knot and he says something about already asking his wife to do that before proceeding away.

Rick is about to strangle me for he could think of about 1, 276,987 things he would rather do than clean out a flat that has been locked for six weeks with a dead woman's stuff inside.

I say,

"If I had a dead rat on a leash,
Pharaoh would begrudge me
that dead rat. Since I don't
like him or his wife I decided
to give them a little task."

Rick went into pause mode. He couldn't imagine that anyone could behave in such a manner... yet... he had proof.

For four (4) days, Mrs. Pharaoh went through Miss P.'s stuff. Pharaoh dropped her
at about ten in the morning and picked her up at about one in the afternoon for lunch, and brought her back at two until about six.

For four (4) days that woman was sitting on a table on a veranda going through box
after box, carrying the items to the veranda, (as the dust in the room would of
killed her), then going back for more.

Every time I saw her I choked on a laugh.

Find someone that doesn't like you and volunteer for some horrible task.

It could be anything, researching all the laws that pertain to women. It could be rearranging an office. It could be, landscaping the complex, whatever it is that is a lot of work and no pay; volunteer.

As people who hate you operate on the; "Tell me what you want so I can deny it", principle, the mere idea you suggested it automatically attracts a "NO".

Now grab a front seat. Watch them go through law book after law book for weeks,
or spend their entire weekend moving furniture, or labouring in the sun to plant
those flowers, as you pass.

Try to look a bit glum when you do. Bursting out laughing is poor form.