ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel
  • »
  • Politics and Social Issues»
  • Environment & Green Issues

The True Guardians of Britain

Updated on April 14, 2015

TRUE GUARDIANS OF BRITAIN

The coalition government of Britain takes its responsibility to protect the Realm and the Queen’s loyal subjects very seriously indeed. Britons can sleep much sounder at night knowing that our rulers are conducting all-out warfare against the dire dangers which threaten to engulf this green and pleasant land in a tidal wave of evil wholly intent on destroying YOUR home and family. Every man, woman and child on these islands owes a debt of immense gratitude to those who tirelessly campaign to safeguard the British Way of Life. For some reason the mainstream press remains remarkably quiet on the GALLANT HEROISM of those who seek to protect you from the multitude of enemies sworn to undermine your safety for which reason I have decided laud their noble actions instead.

HORRIBLE THINGS ARE OUT TO GET YOU

KNOW YOUR ENEMIES

Do you think pure maliciousness and dreams of wholescale destruction is something that is the exclusive domain of movie makers and fiction writers? Well, you are wrong. As you read this you are surrounded by a host of vicious foes just waiting to thunder across the landscape like the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. If you don’t know who these mortal enemies are then read on, because it really is sensible to know your enemies well.

The following AGENTS OF UNSPEAKABLE evil have been identified.

ROBINS, STARLINGS, PIED WAGTAILS

These may seem innocent creatures but appearance isn’t everything! These fiendish little demons have a very nasty habit of nesting in boring old woodlands just to spite honest entrepreneurs who wish to do no more than build much needed roads and luxury housing estates in these locations which were, let’s face it, designed by the Almighty himself for the express purpose of building roads and housing estates. Moreover, these enemies of the state are amongst the vindictive cretins who spatter your car roofs and windows with their faeces. Can there be more obvious evidence of the innate hatred they have of you and yours? No, I didn’t think so. Fortunately the aptly named Natural England has publicly named and shamed the malicious feathered vermin as a threat to public health and safety and has proposed that we fight back by destroying all robin, starling and pied wagtail nests and eggs we can find.

Three cheers for the government! Recognizing which knowledge and skills are best suited to deal with the environment they appointed Andrew Sells as Chair of Natural England. You can rest assured that Mr Sells’ work experience as chartered accountant and founder of Linden Homes - a property development business specialised in developing brownfield sites for residential housing - are simply the perfect qualifications for protecting us from the lethal monsters that robins, starlings and pied wagtails truly are.

THE ONLY GOOD ROBIN IS A DEAD ROBIN

BADGERS

We all know that badgers are trying to cull the human population by spreading TB. The evil creatures are even known to sneak into supermarkets at night to spit on beef burgers and other meats. In order to protect cattle from these diseased pest-bringers the government has assigned several cull areas on large private estates (there are no cattle there, but that is quite irrelevant). Realising that the 2,000 badgers shot so far are far too few to protect public safety properly the government has wisely decided to enlarge the cull program by including permission to shoot the cubs this summer. Baby badgers may seem cute to the unwary but they grow up into murderous killers so the more of them we blast into oblivion now the better. Besides, because they are young and naïve it should be really easy to mow them down in large numbers.

BLOODTHIRSTY KILLERS. SHOOT THEM ALL!

BADGERS

What needs to be done about this great menace to our society?

See results

BUZZARDS

At long last foolish notions of protecting these PREDATORY KILLERS have been set aside and farmers and gamekeepers have been invited to destroy buzzard nests and eggs. The danger posed by these flying monstrosities should never be underestimated. If buzzards had their malign way there would be no game left for that grand tradition of grouse and pheasant shooting which gives the entire British population such joy and excitement!

WILD BOAR

Wild boars have the appalling habit of damaging golf courses where they dig up the grass in order to spoil our fun.

LOONIE NATURE FREAKS WANT THIS CREATURE TO BE FREE TO ROAM YOUR STREETS AND KILL YOUR NEIGHBOURS

OTHER ENEMIES OF THE BRITISH WAY OF LIFE

The list of enemies intent on ruining your life is too long to treat in great detail; here are a few of the ravenous freaks and their destructive habits:

DEER If a million of these are shot a year far more people could eat venison steaks.

BEAVER These creatures should have been extinct by now and for very good reasons. By altering the structures of rivers and creating dams, pools and ditches they build habitats for water voles, otters, ducks, frogs, fish and insects. The aim is to ensure that these creatures exist only in storybooks, not in the GREAT BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE where they simply don’t belong. Fortunately the government is taking action to rid the countryside of these destructive creatures.

HERRING GULLS have the audacity to take up space in the sky. Birds DO NOT belong there and if they won’t listen to reason we’ll just have to shoot them. Tens of thousands of them have been shot already and hopefully we’ll be able to kill them faster than they can breed.

LESSER BLACK-BACKED GULLS are ravenous predators which sometimes eat grouse eggs, thus preventing the natural lifecycle of a grouse: To crawl out of that egg, grow fat and then be shot. It is hard to understand the so-called nature lovers whose misguided motivations lead them to interfere with perfectly natural processes such as grouse hunts.

CORMORANTS threaten to ruin a GREAT BRITISH SPORT and have already spoiled many an angler’s day by interfering with natural processes and eating fish before they get lifted out of rivers with a hook in their mouth – as the Almighty intended.

PINE MARTINS prey on grouse eggs and chicks and the more of those they eat the less the landowners of hunting estates can earn by hosting grouse shoots. Pine martins should simply not be allowed to intervene with the natural life cycle of grouse and fortunately there are plans to eradicate these pests.

BATS have the audacity to take up residence in old churches and other buildings, preying on the blood of innocent virgins as we all know bats do and it is absolutely ludicrous - as pointed out by a Tory Lord – that one isn’t allowed to simply poison bats whenever and wherever they are encountered. This will have to change in the future.

THE RSPB is a dangerous COMMUNIST ISLAMIC MILITANT organisation and a new term in office will see suitable measures for the culling of these TRAITORS.

YOU ARE IN DIRE DANGER, WE KID YOU NOT

ELECTION RESULTS

 
 
 
THE GUARDIANS OF BRITAIN
A COUNTRY WHERE GROUSE ARE SAFE (till hunting season)
YOUR LOVED ONES ARE SAFE
LOONIE LEFT
AN END TO BRITISH TRADITIONS
WILD ANIMALS ASSAULT YOUR LOVED ONES
LOONIE GREENIES
WILL CULL PEOPLE IN ORDER TO SAVE VOLES
THE END OF CIVILIZATION AS WE KNOW IT

CONCLUSION

IT CANNOT BE REPEATED ENOUGH: DANGEROUS ANIMALS BELONG IN STORY-BOOKS, NOT IN THE GREAT BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE.

IF YOU DON’T WANT YOUR HOUSE LOOTED, YOUR LOVED ONES TORN TO SHREDS BY SHARP TEETH AND YOUR PRIVATES GNAWED OFF BY FUNDAMENTALIST FIELD MICE: VOTE TORY.

DO YOU WANT THIS TO HAPPEN TO YOUR LOVED ONES?

POLL

Reading this has convinced me to...

See results

Comments

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • NisseVisser profile image
      Author

      Nisse Visser 3 years ago from On the Edge

      I understand culling when the genuine reason is to safeguard the survival of a species as a whole.

      Culling Robins because their presence might prevent company profits...culling badger cubs because their presence might harm the grouse population...it's just daft.

      They seriously uttered the benefits of venison on the table bit. They actually said that.

    • Bren Hall profile image

      Bren Hall 3 years ago from England

      That is not funny...............No! But it is deliciously satirical, cynical and hilarious instead and you, Mr. Author, really deserve the pink wristband.

    working