The U.S. Needs to Be Under Threat
The U.S. needs to be under constant threat, real or imagined, or we feel uncomfortable. We need to fabricate enemies or our global project will fail. We’d have to change our foreign policy. We’d have to be thoughtful about what to do next if we don’t quickly find a new nation to invade or target. The military industrial complex (M.I.C.) needs a new enemy or their stock prices will fall. And there is nothing more important than corporate stock prices. Our plutocracy needs a new foreign conflict to focus the American public on, so the people don’t realize that they are still being lied to and stolen from.
We are already using drones on U.S. citizens overseas that we suspect might one day, maybe, come after us with an IED. Like Israel has the right to shot and kill kids who use slingshots against tanks, we reserve the right to send drones after people who sneer at us the wrong way.
“A leaked Justice Department white paper reveals a draft legal framework which describes in detail the targeting of American citizens by drones without due process or proof of specific intent to harm. That's terrifying.” What’s even more terrifying is that we are only allowed to target our citizens overseas, and not here in the United States. That leaves us vulnerable to internal attacks.
Therefore, outgoing acting CIA director, Michael J. Morrell, has tapped me to create the Critical Review Assessing Potential Suspects (C.R.A.P.S.) report. Who better to create a list of potential threats in America than a paranoid billionaire like me?
Even so-called liberals and Democrats want to use drones to target citizens overseas, so they won’t mind when we send the drones after them. “Among self-described liberal Democrats, fully 77 percent endorse the use of drones against terrorist targets. On the question of killing Americans in drone strikes, Democrats approved of the use 58-33 percent, as did liberals, 55-35 percent, as the Post’s Greg Sargent pointed out last year.”
See, even liberals want us to kill foreigners and citizens overseas, and if drones are supported by a majority of Americans, it’s our moral obligation to use them.
Internationally, we have to go after the Stans. Stan means “place of”, place of terrorists that is. They include: Afghanistan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, Hayastan, Lehistan and so forth. Any country in the Middle East is immediately suspect because they are near Muslim people. Any country we ever went to war with in the past, or ever disagreed with, is also suspect. As the mafia says, “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer.” I would add, keep your drones at the ready.
Internally, there are plenty of Stans we can go after. You have Organicstan: Northern California, Oregon and Washington State. Then you have Protestistan all over America; where ever there is a protest, you need drones hovering overhead just in case with an array of weapons and spy equipment. At the first un-American word overheard, we can order the drones to shoot to kill.
Here’s my preliminary list of people C.R.A.P.S. has put on their kill list in the United States. Remember, with drones, you don’t need warrants.
Liberals--Liberals are what’s wrong with American, and I have proven it by saying it time and time again. If they don’t stop disagreeing with what corporations want, I say we target them.
Protesters--Same deal as with liberals, except they will be easy to target at outdoor rallies.
Organic farmers--they are fighting the healthifying of our food by argibus who use GMOs and more chemicals. We should use napalm on their unAmerican harvest.
Wombs--The wombs of women who won’t submit to a vaginal probe should be on our radar.
Abortionists--Abortion doctors should be killed for murdering embryos and zygotes.
Clowns--Clowns should be targeted for scaring us. We can get wide consensus on this.
MSNBC and the rest of the liberal media--They might talk about drones sometime, someday, and we need a pre-emptive strike against discussion of what the M.IC. does.
Dogs--Dogs should be on the list for they bark and may let out the location of our neighborhood drone watch program.
Babies--Babies that only have one parent are on the list because in the future they will turn into criminals.
YOU--You are obviously a threat for reading this.