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The Zombie In Me

Updated on February 24, 2011
Froggy213 profile image

In 2007, Greg's 23 month old Grandson was killed. At that point, he found a need to write about his family, crime, and local issues.

Wandering in my sleepy stupor, I realize it is 1:30 am. Time is a train-wreck for me as is life itself too.

My mind and imagination play games with me. Am I dead?

I see the faces and I recognize them from a day gone by. Embarrassment comes when I ask," are you from?" The answer is always no, but I know that I know them. 

My head reels with frustration and confusion. Where am I and how did I get here?

I have always been in control, but since Jonda died, I feel as all control I have has left. Even my bowels would agree with that statement.

All along I thought that many wanted me dead when in all actuality, I am dead already. I am a zombie.

What If?

When I were a younger man, we ate lots of L.S.D., mushrooms and such. I used to come up with thoughts that would "blow" my friends minds.

What if:

We have coinciding realms and we die all the time to go into the next realm? All the same people and same faces. The plan being: if you do things right, you go to a higher realm and if wrong a lower realm. When we are completely done, we go to the highest realm, or if you were ultimately evil, the lowest realm.

Ok, Christian friends, don't "blow a gasket" on me. This is just my imagination and not how God works, I am sure. I just need to release the thoughts.

Is It Wrong?

Is it wrong to have such weird thoughts? Are they a sin?

I do question my existence. Really God, what am I here for?

Here it is 2 in the morning and I am writing about zombies. If I were to go to Walmart now, I bet there would be other zombies roaming the aisles. Some will wear smiling masks and some will have grouchy masks, but all, like myself, are probably hurting. The pain runs deep, but we all just zombie through it.

The only time I feel un-zombified is when I am in church on Sunday morning. When tears can run down my face and I really don't care what others around me are thinking. Just God and me and the release comes. I know the people near me are wondering, but it is still just God and me.

Next

How to lose this zombie feeling? I really am clueless. I have thought about trying to find a woman who understands, but with my baggage, who in their right mind?

I see faces of happiness and I am jealous. I then am angry at myself for feeling jealousy and I am back in zombieland.

I want to be in Jonda's realm. I want her hugs and kisses to drown me, but probably never again. I will take this time now and reflect upon my life up until this point. I will open the King James Bible by my bed and open my mind and heart to the Will of God. I don't want to be a zombie. I want to change the world, even if it's just a little piece. Is it possible? I believe it is. I have watched people read writings of mine and seek help for addictions and problems after. No, I didn't change them, but God used me in a little way. He will you too, just let Him.

Non-Zombie

How to become a "normal" person again? I really don't know. Will it be someone in my life? A job? Maybe I will just completely lose my mind and who knows from there.

Prayer is my only answer. I pray I am led down the right path and not the zombie path.

I pray that I can open myself to those around me. How, I wanted to talk with the woman next to me in church Sunday, but the zombie side of me would not allow me.

Help me get out of zombieland please. I request your prayers. May God reign!

Make a Zombie

Did you like the picture of me zombified?

You can do it with your picture too; just follow the link below. Have fun.

© G.L. Boudonck

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    • profile image

      Mesa Verde Boers 6 years ago

      God is using you in a mighty way, even though you may not always see it. Like Andrew said to his brother, Peter, "Come see who I have met..."

      May God send you a hug today!

    • Eiddwen profile image

      Eiddwen 6 years ago from Wales

      Hi Froggy,

      I must say that the zombie photo looks very gruseome!!

      You ask; How will I become a normal person again??

      What is normal?? You are not going to revert back to the Froggy before these tragedies in your life.

      Anymore than I will revert back to the me before I lost my sisiter Val and my beautiul Erin.

      However we are surviving and even though you may not feel it at the moment you are getting stronger.

      You opening up to others also helps others as well as yourself.

      Because people are probably commenting 'He's still carrying on and being strong after what he has been through, so this is the right road for me also.

      You know in your heart that this is the way your life will carry on.

      Also remember it is not a sin or weakness to be feeling 'zombified'it is simply a small part of the road that you are now on. It will pass!!!

      You are blessed to have survivied and that is just what you are 'a true survivor!!

      I'm sure that Jonda is so proud of you.

      Travel on, you can stay in the same place for a little while but don't go back in time.

      Take care and stay strong

      Eiddwen.

    • Froggy213 profile image
      Author

      Greg Boudonck 6 years ago from On A Mountain In Puerto Rico

      I have missed you PenmanZee, nice to hear from you again. Yes life has been very tough, but I am blessed. Yes, I am blessed.

      Thank you my friend and brother!

    • PenmanZee profile image

      PenmanZee 6 years ago

      It's been a while since I've been on the pages, Froggy and it looks like you have gone through a lot. Yes, reaching out to those around you and letting them reach out to you will help ease the zombie feelings. We all feel zombified at one time or another, but it is the non-zombiness that makes us reach out to others. The more we give and receive, the less zombified we become. All the best and God's peace, brother!