Things That You Never Do While Visiting a New Bar
Guess what time it is?
"That" time is growing near. Soon school will be out for the summer and with that time in the lives of your kids and of course, you and your spouse, it will soon be time for your annual family vacation. Fun. Fun. Fun. Yes, sir-eeeee. I bet you can't wait.
But with all of this fun, there is one problem. Only one. Your wife has mentioned several times over the fall and winter months how you, her, and the kids are "in such a rut," that she is almost ready to "go over the edge" and not even use a safety line.
You are a wise man.
So you instantly resort to that look of a "thinking" man with furrowed brow, squinted eyes and hand supporting your chin. Man, you've got this look down P.A.T. And friend, I envy your acting skills. It is a wonder that some powerful Hollywood agent has not discovered you.
But all in all, you are wise enough to not argue the "being in a rut" thing with the wife, so you humbly start your negotiation with her on what she wants to do on this year's vacation. She does not answer immediately. You are secretly worried. Did you say something wrong, you think to yourself. Then there it is. "The" answer that you neither wanted to hear or wanted to do: visit her relatives in Texas. What? Huh? Relatives in Texas?
Fact is. You love Texas.
No problem with the location. You are one huge fan of the NFL's Houston Texans as well as the MLB's Texas Rangers. Before you met your wife you were a real, true-blue, "Western nut." You read every book with Zane Grey's name on it as well as watch every classic western no matter who had the lead role. You have actually forgotten your love for the Old West. Maybe this idea your wife suggested was just the thing you needed to rekindle "that" part of your spirit.
But your wife is a "thinking wife." She does not push herself or her views on you or anyone. She loves to just "go with the flow," "Live and let live." You get the picture. But before you and her retire for bed, she shares one priceless piece of advice with you. And if you heed to it, you might live to write for this website you are reading right now: HubPages. What a place to share your thoughts, ideas, and feelings.
Be honest. Has a misunderstanding in a new bar ever given you a lot of trouble?
Now let's read . . .
Things That You Never Do While Visiting a New Bar
Never . . .
- barge into the new bar as if you had just bought it and announce to the clientel who you are. First, you do not know anyone in the bar and second, they do not know you. I think it best you just leave it that way. You never know whether or not an escaped serial killer is lurking inside the crowd and well, you know what that means.
- demand the best table in the place. Do not overlook the fact that you are "new" to this bar and you do not count for "special treatment." The bartenders are smart enough to know that you are on vacation. One or two drinks and that will be the last they will see of you.
- run your mouth to the pretty waitress with the flimsy blouse that she wore on purpose to get bigger tips. Remember this: she has to be seeing someone. A Mixed Martial Arts specialist retired, but he can squeeze the very blood out of your body without breaking a sweat, so keep your conversation brief.
- act like James Spader on "Pretty in Pink." Loud mouths, know-it-all's and uppity people are the first to get slammed when a brawl breaks out, so be the most humble customer that this bar has ever served.
- carry a handgun inside a new bar or any bar for that matter. A handgun in a bar is like setting fire to the fuse to a keg of dynamite and then sitting on it to see it explode. People today, well, some people, frown on handguns, so do not ask for trouble. You simply cannot afford the cost.
- start guzzling drinks the moment you sit down at the table given you. It is true that mixing whiskey and beer is the worst move you can make. Either drink beer only or only whiskey. Did you see that slick play on words?
- guzzle or funnel your drinks. Remember, you are new in this bar and getting wasted is not polite. Sip your beer and relax. You are on vacation, so enjoy yourself with a relaxed pace. Besides at seven bucks a beer you cannot afford to not sip instead of guzzle.
- let your drinks start influencing your behavior. I mean by the third drink or beer, you start winking at every hot woman on every barstool and you start walking to the bar pretending to get a bowl of nuts but you only want to "put the moves" on the blond who looks a lot like a younger Linda Evans on The Big Valley. Just a thought, but this blond, although friendly, might have several husky brothers at home.
- complain loudly so people will know you do not take crap from anyone. Just politely mention to your waitress that you have sat at your table for two hours and she has went by several times and even smiled at you, and you want a little service. Be sure to say thank you a lot of times.
- act tough even if a "good ol' boy" who has obviously had one too many accidentally bumps into you while you are walking to the men's room. The thing you need to consider is although the "good ol' boy" might be a little drunk, he might be "tougher than nails" when he drinks and would love nothing better than to whip your butt to make his night complete.
- try to speak in Mexican as you are being seated. Not that speaking Mexican in Texas is strange, but your Mexican is a bit rusty. You in your excitement to be seen and heard, spoke "your face is like that of an angry goat," to this pretty waitress who is only working at this bar to put herself though Texas A&M.
- strut up to the bar and demand to be served immediately by using one of the corniest lines ever. "Do you know who I am?" No, the patrons in the bar do not know who you are and do not care. So be cool, smart, and very quiet while you enjoy your one or two beers.
- argue with anyone in the bar no matter if you know and everyone else knows they are completely wrong in their views on Global Warming. I have to keep reminding you that you are new in this bar and only in the bar for a limited time. And this person who is wrong might be a Ph.d. in something you flunked in college and they could easily make a fool of you in front of the entire bar. Do you really want that?
- balk at your bill no matter if you do think it is "highway robbery." I take your side in thinking that charging $140.00 for two beers for you and one mixed drink for your wife is a bit high . . .so pay it without one word of complaint or getting the bar manager to check it for you in hopes that the waitress' arithmetic is wrong. And one more time . . .
You are new in the bar and you are (hopefully) leaving relaxed, unbruised, and with all of your dignity.