To The Amateur Bank Robber, Signs That Your First Robbery is Going Bad When . . .
Life is a mixture of various things
This hub is a fine mixture of sadness, happiness, and extreme disappointment. These things happen to all of us, but can be death-like to an amateur bank robber on the first bank robbery of his career.
I know that you are wondering why I am talking about the plight of a "green horn," bank robber, so I will be glad to explain. I have never fully-understood the life of bank robbers like I have other people and their perils, so today, after much studying, I am sharing what pain and humiliation a young, nervous bank robber feels as he sees his first "job" slowly go up in smoke.
This is not easy for me to write, so it cannot be easy for you to read, so if you do not have the stomach for a story like this, I won't hold it against you if you turn to the hubs about "True Love" and "Dating Problems While Stranded in The Red Sea."
Famous First-Words Spoken
by Most Bank Robbers
- "This is a hold-up!"
- "Fill this bag with dough NOW!"
- "Don't move! Give me your cash."
- "Do not give me small bills."
- "Your money and nobody gets hurt."
- "Be quiet. You are being robbed."
Source: Kenneth Avery
If you chose to stay with me, great. Thank you. So now get yourself a hot cup of coffee or tea, and go with this story of . . .
To The Amateur Bank Robber,
Signs That Your First Robbery
is Going Bad When . . .
- You say, "This is a hold up," to the bank teller and you were so nervous you now notice that your mask is covering your eyes.
- The bank you are going to rob has their "Monthly Mopping Day," on the very day you decide to relieve them of their cash, but you slip on their wet floor and fall flat on your butt.
- When you enter the bank, you learn that the newly-appointed bank president is an ex-C.I.A. agent.
- You forget to load your firearm and instead you point a raw wiener at the cashier.
- You approach the first available bank teller and she laughs at you and runs away to safety.
- As you enter the bank, your coat gets hung in the automatic doors.
- You hand the teller a note informing them of a robbery, but your note says, "This is a Roll Up," and she smiles and gushes, "Ohhhh, I love those! Got any on you?"
- As the teller stuffs your bag with cash, a couple of off-duty cops smell whiskey on your shirt (from drinking to give you courage) and take you down and arrest you on violating a city ordinance prohibiting the drinking of an alcoholic beverage in a banking institute.
- The teller recognizes you by your voice as her ex-boyfriend, and screams so much the security guard takes you into custody.
- Nerves cause you to drop your gun on the floor and a show-off in the next line kicks it away from you making you abort the robbery and head for the door.
- Your "wheel man," loses his nerve due to fear at seeing a cop cruiser go by him with the blue lights on chasing a speeding driver.
- An impatient Sumo wrestler loses his temper at your wasting his time and bashes you through a wall inside the bank.
- The female teller you try to crush with fear, has severe anger issues and her PMS is peaking so she almost shreds your torso with her razor-sharp teeth and nails.
- Your awesome .357 Magnum turns out to be your nephew, "Harold's" "Whizzo Water Cannon" that he left at your place over the weekend.
Happy Ending . . . A few weeks of you laying low to let this "train wreck," blow-over, you take an obscure job as a shoe clerk.