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Well My Dear, Every Woman Wants To Be A Mother-NOT!

Updated on November 7, 2013
gmwilliams profile image

Grace loves to write commentaries on psycho-cultural and sociocultural dynamics in their myriad forms.


The idea image for women is that of a wife and mother.Women have been inculcated to believe this since childhood.Women who  go against such strictures are often stigmatized as being abnormal and anti-child.However, NOT EVERYwoman wants children.
The idea image for women is that of a wife and mother.Women have been inculcated to believe this since childhood.Women who go against such strictures are often stigmatized as being abnormal and anti-child.However, NOT EVERYwoman wants children.


More and more women are eschewing the societal dictum that all women must be mothers.They elected to be childfree for a myiad of reasons including career-related and personal.They lead happy and fulfilling lives.
More and more women are eschewing the societal dictum that all women must be mothers.They elected to be childfree for a myiad of reasons including career-related and personal.They lead happy and fulfilling lives.

Don't Be So SELFISH,You Will Be So UNFULFILLED Without Children

Women have been incessantly told in this society that in order to be fulfilled as women, they must have children. This mantra has been heard by women since their childhoods. In order to prepared for motherhood, girls are routinely given dolls to play with. This indoctrination is so planted into the female mind that many girls and women subconsciously believe that they will eventually become mothers.

Women are told that they have a maternal instinct and it is only natural for them to become mothers. They are further instructed that there is something about marriage that makes women become mothers. Parents, relatives, friends, and associates inform them that there is nothing more glorious and sacred than to become a mother.

Not only relatives and friends tell women that. The general societal and religious construct relay the same message. Religions often tell women that their sole purpose on earth is to eventually marry and to become mothers. There are some religions that go further and inculcate women that it is their sacred duty to become mothers and if they elect not to become mothers, they are being errant in their ways.

Women are also told that in order to be considered as true adults they must have children. Many "reasons" are conveyed to women regarding the myriad reasons they should be mothers ranging from it is an integral part of married life and who is really going to look after them when they become old to if they do not have children, they are going to become embittered and regret their lives. In essence, there are constant reinforcements for women to become mothers.

However, not every woman wants to be a mother and/or is cut out to be a mother. There are women who truly do not have a maternal instinct. Furthermore, there are some women who really do not like children. I hear several gasps and plates dropping now! "What type of nonsense is being said?", people are asking now. Yes, there are women who do not wish to have children-ever!

They have thoughtfully pondered this situation and decided that motherhood is definitely not in their arena. Yes, motherhood is not for everyone. Even though motherhood is ultimately fulfilling, it does require a lot of sacrifice and lifestyle readjustments. Life is usually not the same after a woman becomes a mother. Oftentimes, once a woman becomes a mother, some of her life goals must often be either derailed and/or delayed in order to care for her child/children. Sometimes a mother has to cut back on certain things in her life because her children come first. With the advent of motherhood, there are diapers, bottles, clothes, and other related childhood expenses. When a woman becomes a mother, she must cease being carefree and to become more responsible! To some women, that is fine but to other women, the prospects of motherhood sounds like imprisonment to them.

Many women are pressured into having children by so-called well meaning parents, relatives, friends, and other associates much to their regret much later on. They never intended to become mothers or they were somewhat hesitant about the idea. However, they were propogandized into believing the dictum of their parents and others who told them that they are selfish and irresponsible if they do not become mothers. Some of them were told that they needed to grow up as they were no longer children and to stop being frivolous, adding that mature grown up women have children, like it or not!

There are many cases of women who actually resent their children as they had to curtail their dreams and goals because of motherhood. Betty Friedan in her groundbreaking book THE FEMININE MYSTIQUE maintained that many women often had to curtail their career and related goals because they had children and were quite unhappy with their lives. Such unfulfilled women often take their angst out on their children. These women did not want children but, in essence, they were browbeaten into being unwilling mothers.

Let us not digress too far. There are some women who are quite recalcitrant in the face of pronatalist indoctrination. These women maintain that they are not interested in becoming mothers. They are probably starting careers and they do not want to be derailed regarding not accomplish their career goals. Their main emphasis in life right now is to concentrate on their respective careers.

Other childfree women just do not want to be tied down with children. They want their lives to be unencumbered as much as possible. They further desire to have the ultimate freedom to come and go as they please. They want to be free to travel and indulge in other activities whenever they wish without being totally encumbered. They furthermore desire a one-to-one relationship with their husbands and/or significant others. They already have a full and exciting life as it is and they do not want that to be interrupted by motherhood.

Still quite a few childfree women, often the oldest or older daughters of their families, were often the parentified ones, giving up their respective childhoods and adolescence, raising their younger siblings. They were so saddled down with this responsibility that when they became adults, vowed that they have raised enough children already and clearly have no desire for motherhood. They want to regain their freedom, asserting that motherhood is definitely not in their agenda.

There are still more childfree women who observed their mothers and other female relatives having negative experiences with motherhood. They often saw their female relatives' life plans and goals ruined because they were mothers before they were ready and/or prepared to do so. They also saw their mothers sublimate their true desires into the motherhood role, often taking out their unsaid frustrations on their children. They saw how motherhood negatively impacted on their mothers and other female relations, vowing that they are going to lead their versions of a fulfilling life by not being mothers.

To reiterate, there are some women do actually do not like children. No, this is not aberrant in any way. However, many people believe that it is because they as many of us are conditioned that all women have a maternal instinct whether consciously or subconsciously. Their thinking is that "normal" women are supposed to love children. However, this is not necessarily the case.

There are women who are quite repulsed and uneasy around children. They just cannot stand the patter of little and/or childish feet. One childfree woman at my former job confessed to me that she never was drawn to children. She confessed that she had more interesting things to do than to have children. There are some women who just have NO interest in children period. To these women, children are not just their cup of tea so to speak.

There are some women even though they are childfree who love children. Although they have no children of their own, they have children in their lives whether it is godchildren, nieces, nephews, and children of their friends. Many childfree women are advocates on behalf of children and their rights. Some childfree women are more humane and devoted to children than some mothers who have a somewhat ambivalent relationship with their children.

In essence, there are women who elected to be childfree. There are varied reasons for this. Many childfee women often live quite interesting and fulfilling lives. They have intense one-to-one relationships with their husbands/significant others. Besides their husbands, their lives are filled with exciting friends, activities, and hobbies. They are being true to themselves and living life on their own terms. That is all that should matter.

In summation, women have been brainwashed from childhood to have children. Motherhood is often presented as the ultimate goal women should aspire to. Girls are inoculated to be mothers by being given dolls to play with. Girls and women are told that it is normal for all women to be mothers, adding that any woman who does not wish to be a mother is somewhat aberrant, unfeminine, and selfish.

As a result, of this negative indoctrination, many women reluctantly become mothers much to their and their children's later regret. There are some women who do not desire and intend to be mothers. The reasons range from being free to live a life as unencumbered as possible, to advance in a career, to continue their educations to seeing how unhappy the respective lives of their mothers and other female relatives were, being saddled down with children thus either destroying and/or derailing their cherished goals and dreams. They do not want to repeat this familial pattern, opting to be childfree. To conclude, there is nothing wrong with being childfree as every woman does not want to be a mother. Motherhood is only one of the options for women, it is not a mandated obligation!

© 2012 Grace Marguerite Williams


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    • profile image


      4 years ago

      Women are also pressured to have children by their so-called, well-meaning boyfriends or husbands who want to tie them down.

    • gmwilliams profile imageAUTHOR

      Grace Marguerite Williams 

      4 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      You are quite welcome indeed.

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      Thank you for this article. I have never had the maternal instinct and I never had a desire to have a child. I never played with dolls and I never 'dreamed of the day'. Of course, as irony follows me everywhere I ended up getting pregnant by my fiancée and now have a screaming 1 year old. I love him, but I struggle every day. I constantly feel this pressure that I have to be the perfect mother as society dictates. And even though he is only one I already have so many people, more and more by the day, asking me when I'm going to have another.

    • Cristale profile image

      Cristale Adams 

      5 years ago from New York

      Many people say that women naturally have a mother's intuition that makes them want to be mothers, but this is not the 1950s anymore. Women are always evolving!

    • gmwilliams profile imageAUTHOR

      Grace Marguerite Williams 

      5 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Peanutritious, a multillion amens to what you have succinctly stated!

    • Peanutritious profile image

      Tara Carbery 

      5 years ago from Cheshire, UK

      I was so pleased to see this hub. I get tired of the sanctimonious 'you have to be a mother to understand' attitude some women have. I have never wanted children but am constantly judged for my decision. People argue that not having children is 'selfish', having a child to enforce your views on and do all the things you failed to do yourself is more selfish!

    • gmwilliams profile imageAUTHOR

      Grace Marguerite Williams 

      5 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Sanxuary, your response is so on target. Many women are sold on the pronatalist premise that it is noble to be mothers and any woman who does not want to be mothers are demonized to the multillionth degree. This ideology result in many women becoming reluctant mothers much to the psychological detriment of their children.

    • profile image


      5 years ago

      I find it odd that I never even considered women wanting kids. I definitely believe that many women are not cut out for it and even both men and women are even more uncut to be married. Most of it has to do with a society sold on selfishness. I had a daughter and hated almost all the toys they sold little girls. I have a kitchen why am I buying her one? If you our going to buy hair, nail and face products, get the real stuff, what's the point? Here she is a baby and now I am going to buy her one that even poohs? I have no idea who came up with these ideas. A real idea would include multiple male dolls to change as husbands. A lawyer complete with play money for child support and alimony. You would pull a plug on the Girl doll and it would say. Its time to take my birth control. No, I am not pregnant again. The guy dolls would all say. Here is all my stuff, now give me to your brother and tell him to start his life again.

    • gmwilliams profile imageAUTHOR

      Grace Marguerite Williams 

      6 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Thank you so much for your responses!

    • SotD and Zera profile image

      SotD and Zera 

      6 years ago

      Pretty much this. I was raised in a family where it was always assumed that I would grow up, marry, and have children. Breaking free of that thinking, realizing I didn't know if I actually wanted kids, etc, took a lot of effort. Other than an (I think unintentional on your part) implication in your third-to-last paragraph that all women have significant others, I really like this article.


    • gmwilliams profile imageAUTHOR

      Grace Marguerite Williams 

      6 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      Thank you for your comments. Only a few women stick to their goals of being childfree. They refuse to succumb to parental, religious, and/or societal pressure to have children. These women rightly believe that motherhood is only one of the options for women. However, there are many more women who are initially ambivalent about being mothers but their parents, friends, and other associates attempt to engrain the dictum "that all women have maternal instincts, all women should be mothers, and if they choose not to be mothers, something is totally and inherently wrong with them!" So these women in order not to be considered negatively, have children much to their and their children's reget! Yes, there are mothers who should have NEVER been mothers in the first place. One must seriously consider the positive and negative ramifications before becoming a mother. Motherhood is just one option and being childfree is another one!

    • yoginijoy profile image


      6 years ago from Mid-Atlantic, USA

      Very true! I applaud you for taking on this topic. It is not every day that you come across someone willing to defend the option to not have children--from either gender. We are wired for procreation and our society reinforces that constantly. It is sad that so many people follow along without really asking themselves, Do I really want to be a parent? Voted up and interesting!

    • gmwilliams profile imageAUTHOR

      Grace Marguerite Williams 

      6 years ago from the Greatest City In The World-New York City, New York

      To EstellaGrace: There are some women who could be classified as abject pleasers. They are the prototype of the nice girl. I know that you have heard of this terminology before. Nice girls are taught to put others' needs before their own. They are also taught to be obedient. Well, let me not digress. These women often lead inauthentic lives, regretting it much later.

      These are the women who have children because their parents and other authority figures tell them it is right to do so and they are selfish and abnormal if they do not. Many of these women subconsciously do not want to have children but they cave into pressure. These are the women who resent being mothers and often abusive to their children because their innate desires were sublimated.

      In an article by the late Anne Landers, advice columnists, there was a survey which stated that over 70% of parents regretted having children. I concur with you regarding this. Women should think long and hard before considering motherhood. Motherhood is something not to be taken lightly. I am single and childfree by choice. I knew from the time I was twelve years old that I neither wanted to get married nor have children. I told my parents this and I stuck to my decision without any regrets. I do not care if people called my selfish or not, so what I am happy and that is all that matters!

    • EstellaGrace profile image


      6 years ago from New York

      Hmm... interesting. I skipped a little bit in the middle because you were just saying the same things over and over again, but I do see your point, some women just do not want children. I believe that. I am not one of them. I want to have kids so bad I can taste it, but I'm sure there are plenty of women who do not. My issue with this article is actually that you make them sound like victims of their parents wishes etc. They are victims of indoctrination. Well, if they are such weak people that they can't make a decision based on their own beliefs, wants and needs, and if they really have to blame others for forcing them to do things they don't want to do, then finding themselves with a baby might just be the cure for their insecurity and mindless actions. Suddenly it is sink or swim. Take care of this being, or don't. There are no options, and that's ok! The grass is never greener. What happens in your life is what it is, and every situation has the opportunity to make you a better person. These women who blame their children on others are the most selfish kind of women, not the women who didn't want them and stuck to their guns.


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