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What Good Am I In The Eyes Of My People?

Updated on June 18, 2013

I signed the papers in hopes I could help my country, my family, and myself. The change was immediate. I was shipped to a training area where I learned how to use a weapon and I was put into a physical shape to be able to sustain in the midst of others who hated and want to kill me.

I was sent to a country where people screamed at me. I tried to be loving and gave chocolate to children. I watched as my best friend lost both his legs when their vehicle ran over a roadside bomb.

I was sent to find those who wanted to kill us and when I entered the building, bullets flew next to me. I quickly fired. The body slumped and blood spilled all along the dirt floor. The boy could not have been more than 14 and I killed him. I felt like a demon. The nightmares came and went and I learned to live with them.

I killed more in the name of war.

My day had come.

Back to the States I was sent. My time of war was over, but the nightmares still existed.

I was treated a hero at first.

My family all asked me questions in which I answered with delicate awareness that they could not handle the nightmares that I have.

My brother gave me beer and it seemed to drown the dreams for a short time. I found a stronger nightmare remedy in bottles of hard liquor, until I got caught driving drunk. The judge gave me a break, because of my hero status. I attended and pretended at alcohol intervention and drank more when I got home.

What good am I?

They hired me as a stock boy at the convenience store. Am I not better than this?

What good am I?

What good am I?

I want to go back to Afghanistan, but the drunk driving won't allow me.

What good am I?

I tried to tell them my problems, but all they tell me is I am a hero and to be strong.

What good am I?

I have a plan.

What good am I?

I enter the store where I have been known for years. They sell Remington, Colt, and Winchester. "You, fine sir, are a hero. A discount is yours for your purchase." I take the pistol with the smooth grip and a box of ammo.

I go to the tree-house I built as a child.

What good am I?

The metal tastes cold and lifeless.

What good am I?

I squeeze and the nightmares end.

What to do?

We send young men and women everyday to a war zone. We bring them back and do not follow up on how they are. How is their mental being? How is their spiritual being?

It is proven that the suicide rate of members of the military has risen dramatically. What are we doing about it?

H.O.W. stands for Humanity One World and I believe that H.O.W. needs to get the world looking at this huge problem.

Our government needs to take steps to help these guys and gals who put their lives on the line in the name of defense for America. Why is it they are killing themselves?

When a service member comes home, there needs to be a place for them. Give them ways to help the country, not stock shelves or greet at Walmart. Teach that killing was for there and not here.

God is the answer and giving them a place to seek God is the key; but no, the Government wants God out. I beg all of you reading this to hold these service members up in prayer.

The ex governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee issued a day of prayer this Sunday. Please pray for our service members.

© G.L. Boudonck


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    • Froggy213 profile image

      Greg Boudonck 5 years ago from Will soon return to an Isla Del Sol - Puerto Rico Will Rise Strong

      My prayers are with you Qudsia and I do know your presence is felt. Hang tuff over there.

    • QudsiaP1 profile image

      QudsiaP1 5 years ago

      I had goosebumps by th time I finished reading this. How true, how very true. How difficult it must be to kill; to fight the conflict of whose was are you waging. To wonder what your role is in it. It isn't easy... None of it is... I live in a country that is beginning to look like a nightmare in itself and as I lay my head to rest each night when I hear planes near by; I wonder if a blast or a drone attack would disintegrate me. I wonder if any one would ever know or remember my existence. War is difficult; living in a war is more so.

    • Lastheart profile image

      Maria Magdalena Ruiz O'Farrill 5 years ago from Borikén the great land of the valiant and noble Lord

      A questioned to be asked, looking at the mirror. A request to be followed.