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Which Conservative Turd Will You Polish this Presidential Election? Trump or Clinton?

Updated on September 19, 2016

Well America, you went and nominated not one, but two very conservative candidates for president. How does it feel? How does this election look, having only conservatives to choose from? It looks exactly how I would expect a conservative election to look: greedy, homely, desperate, reckless, obtuse, mean, jingoistic, infantile, corrupt, grotesquely clannish. All the attributes we've come to expect from today's contemporary North American conservative.

Both Candidates' Integrity Is Compromised, Who Is Better For The Good Ol' USA?


...the Moribund Craft of Establishment Turd Polishing.

That being said, and since America's media and other elite have all but censored the liberal and alternative voices of Bernie Sanders, Jill Stein and Gary Johnson... you have forced me to play that conservative game that's become so popular with the criminal conservatives that seized power here in Wisconsin, the moribund craft of establishment turd polishing. I've said it before and I'll say it again, America needs a viable fifth party, both third parties are sadly, shadows of the other two and are used viciously as leverage and pawns for corrupt billionaires.

Which of the two popular candidates speak with sincerity and reaches better, humanly sympathetic conclusions?


Lo! But which turd to polish you ask?

Lo! But which turd to polish you ask? There's the orange-haired business failure, whose contempt for Americans is as bawdry as his most zealous supporters' heart-shaped boxes. Or there's the Walmart pant-suit rocking, momentum negating, war-on-drugs hawk...<sigh>.

This liberal will be voting for the conservative candidate Bernie Sanders recommended. Sadly, I've watched a lot of Bernie Sanders "supporters" attack the man the moment he lost the primary. Which tells me they weren't his supporters to begin with, only decoys or conservative shills probably on some racketeering payroll. Or maybe they were well-meaning liberals whose feelings have been hurt by the shady primary and they're pondering the idea of voting for Trump to get back at conservative Democrats, which is like eating horse manure to get back at broccoli. There is sooooo much I disagree with on policy issues with Clinton, and sooooo much more I disagree with on Trump's side. So she's got Bernie Sanders going for her, which is a big deal and she should try harder to work with him if she wants to win. More about that at the end of my essay...

Here's the other thing Hillary's got, and it took awhile for me to accept this, sometimes my balls-of-steel get in the way of my brain lobes. Hillary beat a bunch of men at their own game, rich, white men, the kind that have been mucking up Congress for as long as I can remember, the privileged kind that have been handed piles of money and power and that have no right to be where they are today, destroying the heart and resources of our children's country. I've heard and seen men I respect, real men, strong liberal men, actually make misogynistic remarks about Hillary Clinton. Let's not stoop to the lowly, man-boy woman-hating rhetoric of conservative men, please my liberal counterparts? Remember? We're the ones that stand up for women's rights with our women? Haven't women been through enough? Don't they go through a storm of testosterone every day of their lives, as they go to the grocery store and get heckled for not responding to cat calls in just the right way or threatened every damn moment of the day by some pathetic excuse for a Y chromosome? I disagree with so much of Hillary Clinton's policy choices, and I expect her to make some liberal changes. But what I won't do is stoop to the slimy level of a woman-hating conservative buffoon. She's not perfect, thank the Great Spirit she's not Alaska's embarrassment Sarah Palin. She's cheated in some minor ways, compared to all the men in politics, and she beat them at their own stinking game, and that's really pissed off The Old Boys Club, and I like that, a lot. Those man-boys have been hurting our people for a long time, they've messed things up, damaged a lot of minorities and women, imprisoned a lot of innocent people. Let's give women a chance to screw it up, who knows, maybe they'll do just as bad as we men have. Hopefully they will do a lot of good in the world, I'm ready to give them a chance to try.

Which turd will you polish this 2016 presidential election?

Pick a turd, and grab a rag, try not to get too much on you! Welcome to the world of conservative American politics

See results

How this election will be won

  • This election will be won by whomever decides to address actual liberal issues, commit and make happen changes that will benefit the American people, not billionaires, multinational corporations and the people that love them.
  • This means ending the clean water Native American treaty abuses of oil pipelines in North Dakota and elsewhere, NOW!
  • This means ending the war-on-drugs and replacing it with a rational and reasonable approach to drug users, allowing our police officers to use their resources where they belong, addressing violent crime. This means addressing drug use and abuse with the Health Department instead of the US Criminal Justice System. At a minimum this means removing marijuana and cannabis from a Schedule 1 type drug to a Schedule 2 or 3 type drug. Teaching our kids that cannabis is as dangerous as heroine is insane, hysterical and the result of bribery combined with prudishness. Stop imprisoning nonviolent criminals, it's un-American.
  • End the welfare for billionaires government program. Get money out of politics, end Citizens United and all other types of legalized bribery that have allowed criminals like Wisconsin's Governor Scott Walker to seize power and taint our hallowed election system and representational government.
  • Create a true alternative energy plan, subsidizing solar, wind and wave power. Show the world we really are leaders, and we are ready to end or at least greatly minimize our addiction to petroleum.

  • (Final note: I'm an artist and believe it or not, I don't much care for politics. Sometimes though, I feel like I just have to lend a hand. As such I will most likely not be moderating comments below, as they usually get filled with vitriol from billionaires minions, and I'm just a working guy, trying hard to earn a living feeding my family, paying off my death-loan and making as much art, poems and prose as I can.)

God Bless The Asylum Street Spankers and America!


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    • FitnezzJim profile image

      FitnezzJim 10 months ago from Fredericksburg, Virginia

      No billionaire here, just an average everyday working dude who happens to know obscure words like "Antidisestablishmentarianism" and "Dorodango".

      How does that relate you might ask?

      Well? Dorodango first. Dorodango is the Japanese art of molding earth and water together to form a nice shiny billiard ball. However most older folks are well aware that turds turn into earth given enough time. This of course means that I have given away my older age, and am from the days before laws were enacted to extend political correctness to the family dogs – most dag-walkers have to carry around super-duper-pooper-scoopers and a plastic bag when they walk their dog, else face a fine if the dog is caught doing his business. But I digress, if you do an internet search on ‘polish a turd’, the phrase Dorodango usually shows up.

      Antidisestablishmentarianism has a bit more history to it. For the sake of brevity I’ll quote Wikipedia: “Antidisestablishmentarianism … has also come by analogy to refer to any opposition to those who oppose the establishment, whether the government, in whole or part, or the established society.” This is the state of modern American politics today. Some might claim that the Commission on Presidential Debates is a tool of the establishment – the establishment that seeks to maintain a pure two-party system. This commission holds a rather large amount of power. They have achieved the position of ‘deciding’ who can and who cannot be participants in a debate between presidential candidates. They have no legal authority to do so, but can actively work to support the establishment status quo of a two-party system. Others might add that they are supported in this effort to maintain the establishment status quo when the major news networks choose to comply with the invitation list. No law says they have to do this. They choose to do this so that they will maintain the favor of this Commission on Presidential Debates, and be able to sell advertising dollars.

      And I’m going to add one more obscure word – Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis – the disease you might get when breathing fine ash or sand dust, or when the establishment blows smoke to counter the increasingly popular frustration with American politics.

      Some might say that the death of America will be due to pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis induced by an Antidisestablishmentarianism tactic of too much dorodango applied to the current two-party candidates.

      Ok, so, nobody will SAY that, but we’ll be thinking it.

    • SweetiePie profile image

      SweetiePie 10 months ago from Southern California, USA

      I think this election is the worst one of my time. There were more vitriolic ones in the past, but in the end I would never vote for Trump, and I just cannot bring myself to vote for Clinton. I would probably have voted for Bernie, but he was not nominated. I decided to vote for Gary Johnson, even though I do not agree with him on everything.

    • Ben Zoltak profile image

      Ben Zoltak 10 months ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      I said I wouldn't moderate this political essay and I still might not...however Fitnezz Jim's turn of phrase was too humorous and elequent to resist. Well said, that's some heavy duty syllabifying amigo, thanks for your contribution! This part:

      "Some might say that the death of America will be due to pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis induced by an Antidisestablishmentarianism tactic of too much dorodango applied to the current two-party candidates."

      Hilarious and scarily accurate! Just in time for All Saint's Eve!

      Be well.


    • Ben Zoltak profile image

      Ben Zoltak 10 months ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

      Thanks for your 2 cents SweetiePie. I know what you mean. So much vitriol, so much pent up anger and hate. I will have a lot of trouble voting in this next election. A calm-hearted friend of mine showed me another essay, sorry I can't recall the author's name, where they likened the presidential election to choosing an internet provider. Nobody likes any of them much, but we all need them, so we choose the one that will work the best for the job at hand.

      Thanks for stopping by and reading.


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